The Getting Married jokes of

A selection of jokes around the theme of Getting Married
taken randomly from the pages of for you to use for your special occasion

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All the jokes following are Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff .  They must not be copied or circulated but only used for your special occasion

Some jokes to choose from (listed in random order)

(#1656) So you’ve found your true love and decide to marry her - 1
It is customary for the groom to buy his bride a diamond engagement ring. In traditional circles, this kind of custom is called yehareg ve-al ya'avor, i.e. highly recommended. Our sages have also established a formula to determine how much one should spend on the ring. It is: -

take the amount you can just about afford
multiply by eighteen
that is how much you must spend
(#1657) So you’ve found your true love and decide to marry her - 2
The ring symbolizes many things.  For example: -
A ring has the form of a link in a chain. This symbolizes that (a) marriage chains a man and (b) deprives him of his liberty. As our sages teach, "Who is a free man? One who eludes marriage."
A ring is a circle that has no beginning and no end, which is how marriage feels after a couple of years. This also alludes to Torah study, which is also endless, all the more so because a man won't learn much once he marries.

(#1320) Wedding night advice
Joe is talking to his soon-to-be-married son Abe. "Let me give you some advice, Abe. On my wedding night, I took off my trousers, handed them to your mother and said, ‘Here try these on.’  Your mother did as she was told and said, ‘These are too big - I can't wear them.’  So I said to her, ‘And don’t you forget it. I wear the trousers in our house and always will.’ Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."
Abe thought this was such good advice that on his honeymoon, he takes off his trousers and says to his bride, "Here Rifka, try these on."
She does, then says, "But these are too large - they don't fit me."
Abe says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers in our house and always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
So Rifka takes off her panties, hands them to Abe and says, "Here, you try on mine."
Abe tries but has to admit, "I can't get into your panties."
Rifka responds, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

(#506) The negotiation
Moishe the tailor felt it was time to get a wife so one day plucked up courage to visit a marriage broker. The broker immediately offered him a beautiful young lady.
"This girl is quite gorgeous. She’s a real prize, especially as she wants to settle down with a husband right away. Yours would be a wedding made in heaven," said the broker.
But Moishe was a businessman and he never made decisions quickly.
"Look, I need more information," Moishe told her. "Whenever I buy any cloth, I always ask to see some swatches first. So before I decide on a wife, I want to see a sample also."
The broker said she would pass on Moishe’s request directly to the lady in question. She then went to visit the intended bride.
"My client says he is a good businessman and needs to find out exactly what he's buying. He insists on a sample."
"OK," replied the girl, "I understand – I am also good at business. Tell him that I don’t give samples but I am prepared to give him references."

(#1684) The pre-nuptial agreement
Sam and Leah, both in their 80's, are discussing the possibility of getting married. Leah says, "If I marry you, Sam, I’ll want to keep my au pair. She’s fantastic."
"That's OK with me," replies Sam.
"And I’ll also want to keep my Lexus," Leah continues.
"That's also fine with me. It won’t be a problem," says Sam.
"And not only that," says Leah, "I’ll want to make love 6 times a week, without fail."
"That's no problem with me," says Sam. "Put me down for Mondays."

(#1356) You’re a …Jewish boy?
Naomi is in love with Peter and takes him home to meet her parents, Moshe and Hetty. "Dad," she says, "I’d like you to meet Peter. We’re in love and we would like to get married."
It soon became obvious to Moshe that Peter wasn’t Jewish. "Now look Peter," says Moshe, "you seem a great person and I can see why my Naomi has fallen for you. But you must understand that we only want Naomi to marry a Jewish boy. Please don’t take it personally - it’s what my wife and I want."
"I fully understand sir," says Peter. "Naomi and I realised this would be the situation and so I’ve told her I’m willing to convert to Judaism. If I did this, would you then give us your blessing?"
Moshe thinks for a while, then replies, "Yes, I would."
Over the following 12 months, Peter gets circumcised (ouch), joins Moshe’s synagogue, goes to Hebrew classes, attends shabbes services and finally takes a 6 week trip to Israel. But when he returns to make arrangements for the wedding, he learns that Naomi has fallen out of love with him. She doesn’t now want to marry him. Peter is devastated and goes to Moshe to see whether he can help.
"Moshe," he says, "I agreed to convert and become a real Jew – and I have. I’ve been circumcised, I’ve regularly attended shabbes services and I can speak Hebrew as well as anyone. I know all the Jewish customs and I can tell wonderful Jewish jokes.  I’m a mensh, but Naomi doesn’t want me. What on earth can I do?"
"Marry a shiksa like all the other Jewish boys," replies Moshe.

(#1845) Early warning
As soon as Morris arrives home from work, he says to his wife Judith, "Darling, I’ve invited Paul, one of my workmates, to have dinner with us here tonight. He should be here in about 30 minutes."
"Are you meshuggah, Morris?" shouts Judith. "I haven’t done any housekeeping today and the house is in a terrible mess. Nor have I had time to wash the dishes from this morning. Not only that but we’ve no food in the fridge and as I didn’t feel like going shopping today, I was planning for us to eat out tonight."
"But that’s how it always is," says Morris.
"If you knew that, Morris," says Judith, "then why on earth did you invite Paul round for dinner?"
"Because the shmuck is thinking about getting married," replies Morris.

(#443) A visit to the doctor - 1
Moishe had been married 4 times. He was now approaching 80 years old and went to see his doctor. When he was shown in to see the doctor, he said, “Doctor, I have to let you know that I am soon to get married for a fifth time – to an 18 year old girl.”
His doctor replied, “This could be fatal, you know.”
Moishe replied, “Well, if she dies, then she dies.”

(#1838) What a surprise!
Shmuel has been living by himself for many years, but when he reaches 30 he decides that he has had enough already of feeling lonely. So he goes to see a local shadchen.
"I’m looking for a nice wife," Shmuel says.
"OK, you’ve come to the right place," says the shadchen. "So what kind of ‘nice wife’ would suit you best?"
"Well," replies Shmuel, "she doesn’t have to be rich, she doesn’t even need to be beautiful or have a great figure. What I’m looking for is a lebediker fisch."
A few days later, the shadchen contacts Shmuel. "I’ve found someone for you."
Two months later, Shmuel and Naomi get married. But when, five months later, Naomi gives birth to a lovely bouncing boy, Shmuel immediately contacts the shadchen. "I have a complaint to make about your selection process," Shmuel says. "I asked for a leberdiker fisch, not a gefilte fish!"

lebediker fisch: a lebediker is a lively person. Many years ago, fish merchants would shout out their fresh and tasty wares in the street as ‘lebediker fisch, lebediker fisch’
gefilte fish: filled / stuffed fish (poached fish patties or balls made from mixture of ground deboned fish, usually carp)

(#1717) Who’s got talent?
Moshe is lucky enough to meet Arthur Rubinstein, the famous concert pianist, and within minutes of meeting him, Moshe persuades him to drop by his house to listen to his wonderful daughter Emma play the piano.
As soon as Emma finishes her favourite piano piece, she looks at Rubinstein and asks, “So what do you think I should do now, Mr Rubinstein?”
Rubinstein immediately replies, “I think you should get married.”

(#1351) Conversation in a restaurant – part 2
"What would you do if I suddenly died, Maurice?" says Sadie, "Would you marry again?"
"No, Sadie, definitely not," replies Maurice.
"Why ever not?" says Sadie. "Don't you like being married?"
"You know I do," replies Maurice.
"Then why do you say you wouldn't get married again?" asks Sadie.
"OK, Sadie, I was wrong," replies Maurice, trying to end the conversation, "Yes, I would get married again."
Sadie then puts on a sad look and continues his ‘interrogation’. "You really would re-marry?"
Maurice doesn’t answer this but just groans very quietly.
"So would you live with her in … our house?" asks Sadie.
"Why not?" replies Maurice, beginning to enjoy himself, "it’s paid for, there’s no outstanding mortgage."
"And would you take my photos out of our silver frames and replace them with her photos?" asks Sadie.
"Yes, why not," replies Maurice, "that would seem like the correct thing to do."
"And would you sleep with her in our marital bed, where we conceived our children?" asks Sadie.
"So where else do you think we would sleep?" replies Maurice.
"And would she use my golf clubs?" asks Sadie.
"Oh no," replies Maurice, "she's left-handed."
Silence fills the air, then …"Oh, sh*t," says Maurice.

(#450) The confessions
The night before their wedding, Alf and Bette were sharing confidences.
Alf said, “You must know something before we get married. I am a fanatic golfer. I eat, sleep and drink golf. Golf is my whole life. After we are married, I’ll try for some balance but I doubt whether I’ll succeed. Just understand - you’re marrying a golf addict.”
“I can live with that,” said Bette, “now I’ll tell you my secret  - I’m a hooker.”
“A hooker?” Alf repeated. “I can live with that. Next time, keep your head down and your left arm straight, then swing through the ball....”

(#677) Preparing for the wedding
Maurice, age 92, has just asked Sarah, age 89, to marry him and she has accepted. Mazeltov! They are both very excited and decide to go for a walk so that they can discuss the wedding arrangements. On their walk they pass a large chemist and decide to go in. Maurice asks to see the owner.
When a young man comes up to them, Maurice asks, "Are you the owner?"
"Yes I am," says the man, "how can I help?"
"We're about to get married," says Maurice. "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," replies the owner.
"How about medicine for improving circulation?" asks Maurice.
"We stock all kinds, sir."
"What about remedies for rheumatic conditions?" asks Sarah.
"Yes, no problem, madam."
Maurice then asks, sheepishly, "Do you stock that Viagra, then?"
"Of course, sir."
Sarah then asks, "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's, medicine for memory problems, arthritis and jaundice?"
"Yes, we stock a large variety of all of these. The works, madam."
Maurice then asks, "Do you sell wheelchairs and Zimmer frames?"
"Our speciality. We have many sizes and all speeds."
Maurice finally says to the owner, "OK. We'd like to set up our wedding gifts list here, please."

(#1694) Marriage proposals
Sarah is talking to her friend Estelle. "I just don’t know what’s the matter with you, Estelle. You’re nearly 30 years old and you’re still not married. Don’t you want a husband?"
"Of course I do," replies Estelle.
"Then I don’t understand. You’ve got great looks and a neat figure, so why haven’t you had any proposals?"
"But you’re wrong there," replies Estelle, "I've been asked to get married dozens of times."
"Really?" says Sarah. "By whom, may I ask?"
"By my parents, who else," replies Estelle.

(#1678) The fortune teller
Daniel proposes to his girlfriend Rachel. "Will you marry me darling?"
With tears in her eyes, she replies, "Oh yes, yes, Daniel. Of course I will. And I want you to know that when we get married, I’ll be there to share all your worries and troubles and help lighten your burden."
"I’m so glad you want to be my wife," says Daniel smiling, "but as for your offer to share all my worries and troubles, you won’t have to because I just don't have any."
"Well," says Rachel, "that's because we aren't married yet."

(#1021) The charges
Sarah and Max get married. On their wedding night, just when Max is highly aroused, Sarah surprises him by demanding £25 for their lovemaking. Max readily agrees.
Over the next 30 years, this scenario is repeated each time they make love - and lovemaking is very frequent because they are both passionate people. Max always regards the payment as a cunning way to let Sarah buy new clothes and go regularly to the hairdressers.
One day, Sarah arrives home just after lunch to find Max at home. He is stressed out and in tears. He tells her, "My company’s been taken over and I’ve been made redundant. What on earth will I do? I’m not young anymore and finding another job quickly will be difficult."
Without saying a word, Sarah opens her bureau and hands Max her Nationwide Building Society passbook. When he opens it, he’s surprised to see it showing deposits plus interest over 30 years totalling nearly £1 million.  Sarah then hands him share certificates worth nearly £2 million and says, "Darling Max. For the last 30 years, I’ve been carefully investing my ‘£25 lovemaking charges’ and what you see is the result of my investments. So we don’t need to worry about money."
When he hears this, Max gets even more distraught and agitated than before, so Sarah asks him, "Why are you so upset at such good news, Max?"
Max replies, "Oy vay. If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business."

(#246) Who will it be, then?
Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.
Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
His mother agrees.
The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

(#1277) Almost converted
Christine and Daniel fall in love and decide to get married - but only on condition that Christine becomes Jewish. So she goes to see Rabbi Levy for some advice.
Rabbi Levy tells her, "You will have to learn how to keep a kosher home, light shabbes candles, keep two sets of crockery and a few other simple things."
"That sounds easy to me, rabbi," says Christine, "I can easily do that."
Then Rabbi Levy says, "The last thing is, you must go to a mikva."
"A mikva?" says Christine, "what's that?"
"It's a pool of water," answers Rabbi Levy, "and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds."
"I'm sorry, rabbi, but I have a phobia about putting my head underwater. I'll go into the water up to my chin but I won’t put my head under the water. Will that be OK?"
"I suppose it will do," replies Rabbi Levy, "you’ll be mostly Jewish but you will still have a 'Goyisha kop'."

(#1749) A handy solution
Arnold is very nervous as he goes up to his girlfriend’s father and says, "Mr Joseph, you know I’ve been dating your daughter Esther for over nine months now. Well I’m happy to tell you that we’ve both fallen madly in love with each other and want to get married. I’m here to ask you kindly for your daughter’s hand in marriage. What do you say?"
"What do I say?" beams the father. "This is what I say. Mazeltov, my boy! I’ve been waiting for this to happen for some time. Of course you can marry Esther, but only on one condition."
"What condition is that?" asks Arnold, looking a bit worried.
"On condition that the hand you’re asking for," replies the father with a mischievous grin, "is the hand that’s always in my pocket."

(#1683) The perfect woman
Avrahom and Rivkah are quite worried about their 30 year old son Jacob. They’re a Chassidic family and they feel that Jacob should have found a wife by now and had many children. So one day, Avrahom announces, "I’ve been in touch with a shadchen to help us find a wife for our Jacob, and he’s coming here tonight."
"Oy vay," says Jacob.
The shadchen arrives and immediately starts asking questions to enable him to find the right kind of daughter / daughter-in-law. At the end of his visit, the shadchen says to them, "You’ve answered my questions and I’ve been able to put together a ‘shopping list’ of your requirements. I know what you want."
"So do you have someone who meets our requirements?" asks Avrahom, hopefully.
"I think I might have the perfect woman," replies the shadchen.  "I’ll be back tomorrow night with some news."
The next night, the shadchen returns and with a smile announces, "What a wonderful woman I’ve found."
"So make with the details, already," says Avrahom.
"Well," says the shadchen, "I think this woman will be perfect for Jacob. She’s the right age; she keeps a Glatt Kosher home; she attends shul regularly; she davens by heart; she just adores children and wants to raise a large family; she’s a marvellous cook; and on top of all that, she's very, very beautiful."
On hearing this, Avrahom and Rivkah begin to discuss the prospects of an early wedding. But then Jacob, who up to now has remained silent, asks the shadchen, "Is she also good in bed?"
The shadchen thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well Jacob, some say yes...and some say no."

shadchen: a professional marriage broker
chassid chassidic: member of an orthodox religious sect
shul: synagogue
davens: prays

(#1485) Not a lot to ask
Hannah goes to see a shadchen hoping that he has someone on his books who would meet her needs. She says to the shadchen, "I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me find someone suitable."
"I’m sure I can help," replies the shadchen, "may I ask what your requirements are?"
"Well," says Hannah, "he needs to be handsome in a masculine kind of way and he needs a good sense of humour. He must be polite and courteous and have a knowledge about most subjects. He needs to sing and dance well and he must always be willing to accompany me wherever I decide to go during my leisure hours. And I want him to tell me interesting stories when I need some conversation and be quiet when I need to rest."
The shadchen smiles and says, "I understand exactly what you need. You need a good television."

shadchen: a professional marriage broker

(#1898)  Fair exchange
Today was the day Naomi has been waiting for – her wedding day. At the commencement of the shul service, her father is escorting her down the aisle to the chuppah. She looks absolutely stunning and all eyes are on her. They reach the khassen, but just before her father moves away from them, Naomi smiles and places something in his hand.
Those in the front row see what is handed over and begin to quietly laugh – in return for giving his daughter away in marriage, she gives her father back his credit card!

khassen: bridegroom

(#263) Pre-wedding conversation
Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.
The usher asked, “Are you a friend of the bride?”
Sadie quickly relied, “No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother.”

(#264) Post-wedding conversation
Rachel was talking to her best friend Sadie. Rachel asked, “So, Sadie, how’s the bride?”
Sadie replied, “To tell you the truth, Rachel, not good. She’s so unhappy, she’s lost two stone already.”
Rachel then asked, “So why doesn’t she leave him?”
Sadie replied “Because she wants to lose two and a half stone!”

(#1871) Small is beautiful
Rabbi Goldman, rabbi of a synagogue in Birchington, is one of the few rabbis who have not yet found a wife. Nevertheless, his small community like him a lot and hope that one day he’ll find his soul mate. But after many years of no change, the community gets fed up having a bachelor rabbi who can’t answer questions on subjects like, ‘marriage’ or ‘children’ or ‘keeping a family home’, and so they decide to find a bride for him.
They place an advert in the Jewish Chronicle and are pleased when they receive a reply from a Jewish girl living in Fordwich. Her CV and photograph seem to show that she is not only religious, but also beautiful and intelligent. And they are doubly pleased because Fordwich is not too far away from Birchington, both being in the county of Kent.
To be on the safe side they decide it’s important to check out the girl.  First of all, they write to the Kent Jewish community, but their reply doesn’t really help them. So they come to the conclusion that they will have to send someone to Fordwich to check out the girl’s credentials first hand – and they send Moshe.
Moshe drives to Fordwich the very next day and spends a few days quietly and confidentially checking out their potential rebbitsin. He then returns to Birchington to tell his council what he has discovered.
"Nu, Moshe, what have you found out for us? What is this girl really like?" asks the chairman.
"Well I spoke with many of her family and a number of her friends, both male and female," replies Moshe, “and then I spoke with the girl herself. Everyone was very open and honest with me."
"Enough already with this idle chat, Moshe," says the chairman, "what we want to know is, will she or won’t she make a good shiddach for our rabbi?"
"OK," replies Moshe, "I’ll come straight to the point. There is a minor problem. The girl is definitely clever, she’s definitely beautiful, she’s definitely religious, and she’s definitely slept with half of Fordwich."
"Oy vay iz meer," reply the council in unison, slapping their foreheads with the palm of their hands.
"But there’s no need to worry too much," continues Moshe, "Fordwich is only a very small town."

shiddach: match, marriage, betrothal; arranged marriage
rebbitsin: Rabbi’s wife
oy vay iz meer: oh, woe is me

(#831) Have I got someone for you
A shadchen goes over to a yeshiva buchur (student) and says, "Do I have a girl for you."
"Not interested," replies the buchur.
"She's very beautiful," says the shadchen.
"Really?" says the buchur.
"Yes, and she's rich too."
"And she has great yiches. She’s from a very fine family."
"Sounds great," says the buchur, "but why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
"Well, you can't have everything," replies the shadchen.

yiches: ancestry

(#1881) I suppose not
Miriam is an accountant and hasn’t been able to find the time to look for a husband. So her parents arrange for Morris the shadchen to find their daughter a nice husband. A few days later, Morris tells Miriam that he has found the perfect match for her. "Howard comes from a really fine family," Morris tells her. "He’s a lovely man, well educated and most importantly, he’s wealthy."
Miriam quickly agrees to go out to tea with him.
On her return, she briefs Morris on her findings. "Howard was friendly and relaxed with me," she says, "and as you say, he’s very educated and knew a lot about everything. But he’s far from the handsome man I’m looking for. In fact Howard is, how can I put it, a meeskeit and I’m afraid he’s therefore a ‘no go’ as far as I’m concerned."
Unwilling to loose business without putting up a fight, Morris says, "Hold on a minute, Miriam, I don’t want you to make a hasty decision that you might later regret. I’ve seen Howard and I agree with you that although he is ugly, thank God he’s not a klutz, nor a vilde mensh, nor a nebbish. Nor is he a grober, or a pisher, or a dumkop. These are all points in Howard’s favour. And there are other important aspects to this man that you must consider."
"OK," replies Miriam, "so what are these other aspects?"
"While you’re at work all day balancing you clients’ profit and loss accounts, will you be looking at Howard?" Morris asks.
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And when you come home after work," asks Morris, "will you be looking at Howard while you prepare the evening meal and then while you both eat?"
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And when you go to bed at night," asks Morris, "will you be looking at Howard in the dark?"
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And will you be looking at Howard whilst you’re asleep?" asks Morris.
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"And during weekends, when you have children - and please God may you be blessed with many - would you spend your time at home looking at Howard instead of taking your children on outings?" asks Morris.
"No, I suppose not," replies Miriam.
"Well then," says Morris, it’s clear to me that marrying such a mensh won’t be as much of a hardship as you think it will be. You’ll hardly be looking at him and there’s no reason not to marry him. Shall I make the arrangements now?"

meeskeit: an ugly person, so ugly that it hurts the eyes
klutz: a clumsy person, graceless
vilde mensh: wild person, deranged
nebbish: a nobody, inept
grober: coarse, vulgar, uncouth person
pisher: inexperienced, wet behind the ears, also a bed wetter
dumkop: a dumbbell
mensh: man of fine qualities, a real man

(#1782) I’m not Jewish
Moshe, a chassid, is talking to his friend Victor.  "As you know, Victor, my daughter Rifka is getting married soon and because you’re not only my friend, but have also been my study partner for nearly nine years, I would like to ask you to act as a witness under her chuppah. What do you say?"
"I'm sorry, Moshe," replies Victor looking sad, "I know it’s an honour but I can’t accept. I'm not Jewish."
"What do you mean you’re not Jewish?" says Moshe. "You've been coming to shakarit every morning for over ten years and you've been my chavruta for nearly as long. I don’t understand."
"Well," replies Victor, "It’s like this. I decided many years ago to convert to Judaism. Over the years that followed, I enjoyed not only the company but also the intellectual stimulation it provided. And I found respite in the shabbes. But somehow or other, Moshe, I just never completed the process I started. So I'm not Jewish. I’m so sorry."
"But hold on a minute, Victor," says Moshe. "Didn't we both learn in the gemara, only a few weeks ago, that if you're not Jewish, you can't keep the shabbes?"
"Yes, I remember. But don't worry, I always put my key in my pocket on Fridays so that I could carry it all shabbat."
"But our community has an eruv, Victor, you can carry a key without any problem."
"Yes, I know," responds Victor, "but I don't hold by it."

chassid: a member of an orthodox religious sect
chuppah: a wedding canopy
shakarit: morning prayers
gemara: similar to Talmud - a basic body of Jewish law / tradition
eruv: defines the boundaries of an area within which observant Jews can treat "public" spaces, shared by all the community, in the same way as "private" space at home. In practice, it means that observant Jews can carry out some normal tasks away from home during the Sabbath, such as the carrying of personal items like keys or even the pushing of a wheelchair or a pram.
chavruta: (one-to-one) learning is about discussing texts with a study partner of similar ability, embarking on an educational journey together.

(#741) I want to get married
Little Paul says to his father, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married"
His father says, "For that son, you have to have a girlfriend."
Paul says, "But I've found a girl."
"Who?" said his father.
"My grandma."
"Let me get this straight." the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that."
"Well, why not?" says Paul. "You married mine."

(#559) Fit for life
Morris had reached 60, so he went to see doctor Myers for a full medical check-up. When he had finished, doctor Myers said, "Relax, Morris, you’re in very good shape. I can’t find anything wrong with you. You’ll probably live till you’re 100. So how old was your father when he died?"
Morris replied, "Did I say he was dead?"
Doctor Myers then asked, "How old is your father, is he still active?"
"He’s 83 and goes jogging and Israeli dancing every week." Morris replied.
Doctor Myers was very surprised. "How old was your grandfather when he died?"
Morris again answered, "Did I say he was dead, doctor?"
Doctor Myers was astonished. "You mean to tell me that you are 60 years old and both your father and grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather active?"
Morris replied, "He goes swimming twice a week, and plays a full round of golf every Sunday, weather permitting. Not only that, he is 107 years old and next month he is getting married again."
Doctor Myers said, "If he’s 107 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
Morris looked Doctor Myers in the eye and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

(#1726) The marriage
Lionel from London is taking his University gap year in America and he’s visiting as many places there as he can. But whilst spending some time in Oklahoma, he meets and falls deeply in love with a Cherokee girl. Not long after, they decide to get married and Lionel rings his mother to tell her the good news.
"Mum, I’ve found my future wife and we’re getting married over here. I’m going to send you the air tickets to join us."
"Mazeltov Lionel," his mother says. "I’m so pleased, but is she ……. Jewish?"
"No mum," Lionel replies, "she’s not. But she promises to act as a Jewish wife."
"Oy," his mother wails, "I’ve always wanted you to marry a lovely Jewish girl."
"You can’t have everything mum," Lionel says. "And another thing I must tell you. She lives on a reservation and that’s where we’ll be living after we marry."
"I can’t take any more of this," cries his mother, "I don’t want the tickets and I don’t want to speak to you again." And with that she slams down the phone.
Almost a year later, Lionel rings his mother and tells her that they are expecting a baby.  His mother doesn’t slam down the phone but says, very politely and unemotionally, "That’s nice, son, I’m happy for you both."
Eight months later, Lionel again rings his mother and says, "Mum, I just want to say that last night my wife gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I also want you to know that we’ve agreed to give our son a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this unexpected news, his mother shouts out with happiness. "Oh Lionel, bubbeleh, this is wonderful news," she cries, "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You’ve both made me more happy than you could ever know."
"That's fantastic, mum," replies Lionel. "I’m so glad that you and I are back together as mother and son."
"And what," asks his proud and happy mother, "is my lovely grandson’s name going to be?"
Lionel replies, proudly, "Smoked Whitefish."

(#491) The Rabbi’s visit
One Sunday morning, Rabbi Rabbinovitz goes to visit Samuel Lyons.
"Shalom, Sam. I’ll come straight to the point. I’ve come here because our synagogue needs your help. You’ve been a member for over 20 years and I realise that you’re always quick to pay your membership fees in full. But as you are aware, we are in a financial crisis. I've come here to ask you for a little extra for the new school building fund."
"How much are you looking to get from me - how big is little?" asks Sam.
"I’ll be honest. £10,000 would be a tremendous help to us," replies the Rabbi."
Sam responds, "Rabbi, my daughter Rebecca is soon getting married and she has asked me for £25,000 to help her buy that house she saw in Hampstead. And my son David is just starting at Manchester University and he wants £25,000 to see him through the difficult first year there. My wife Sadie wants a hysterectomy and she has asked for £30,000 for the doctors’ fees and in-patient facilities. And that’s not all. You know from your own experience that to keep my mother in a nursing home, they are asking £35,000. So Rabbi, if I can say 'no' to them, I can say 'no' to you."

(#372) The dowry
Jacob is talking to his friend Morris.
"A terrible thing," says Jacob. "My daughter Rifka is getting married tomorrow and I promised a dowry of £25,000. Now, half the dowry is missing."
"So what?" replies Morris. "One usually pays only half of the promised dowry at the beginning of the wedding."
"I know, but that's the half which is missing."

(#1136) Music wins the day
Lionel is a well-educated bachelor who feels ready to marry and settle down. But he’s shy and finds it difficult to meet women. So he’s developed a great love of classical music and spends much of his spare time going to concerts.
Meanwhile, Lionel’s parents have been searching for a suitable shiddach for him. Then one day, to their great relief, two potential candidates come onto the scene at the same time (just like London buses). After talking to the two young ladies, his father has a word with Lionel.
"Lionel, I think I may have found you a wife. I have been in touch with two very acceptable, but quite different girls for you to choose from and both say they are ready to marry. Let me show you their photos."
The first photo is of a beautiful woman. "Rebecca," says his father, "informs me that she has a talent for cooking great kosher food – her matzo-ball soup is supposed to be superb. She also keeps fit with aerobics and Israeli dancing. But she left school at 15 and admits to having no talent whatsoever for music."
He then shows Lionel a photo of an ugly woman. She has what looks like a moustache on her top lip, her neck is as thick as a wrestler’s neck, she has cross-eyes, her nose is crooked and her lips are almost non-existent.
"Now Sadie," says his father, "might not be great looking but she comes from a fine, noble family, has a first class degree from Oxford University and has a wonderful operatic voice. She’ll be famous one day - she showed me a Poster of a concert she’s giving soon at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden."
Lionel studies the two photos. Although Rebecca is gorgeous, his keen love of music wins him over and he chooses Sadie. Within weeks, they marry.
On the first morning of their honeymoon, Lionel awakes before Sadie. He takes one look at that face staring up at him from their pillow, shakes Sadie and cries out, "Sadie, for goodness sake, sing a little something."

(#1144) A shaky start
Aaron was soon to be married and was feeling very rough. He was so worried about the commitment he would have to make that he went to see his Rabbi. As Aaron walked in, Rabbi Bloom couldn’t help noticing that he was shaking like a leaf.
"So what’s with the shaking, Aaron?” asked Rabbi Bloom.
"I can't go through with my marriage," he answered, "I feel so sick that my stomach is cramping up all the time. My legs are like rubber bands and I can hardly walk in a straight line. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, Rabbi."
Rabbi Bloom smiled, "Don’t worry, Aaron, yours are common symptoms. I get to see them quite regularly. You’ve got PMS."
"I’ve got PMS?" said Aaron, puzzled.
"Yes," said Rabbi Bloom, "You’ve got a dose of Pre-Marriage Syndrome."

(#966) The wedding ceremony
Maurice and Rachel are sweethearts. Maurice lives in a small village out in the country and Rachel lives in town. One day, they go to see the Rabbi and set a date for their wedding. Before they leave, the Rabbi asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional service. After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service.
Their day arrives but the weather is rotten and a storm forces Maurice to take an alternate route to the synagogue. The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep his trousers dry. When at last he reaches the shul, his best man immediately rushes him up the aisle and up to the chuppah. As the ceremony starts, the Rabbi whispers to Maurice, "Pull down your trousers."
"Rabbi, I've changed my mind," says Maurice, "I think I prefer the traditional service."

(#83) The wedding
Sam calls his grandma from New Mexico.
"It's so nice to hear your voice, my Sammela. Tell me, what's new?"
"I'm getting married, grandma."
"My Sammela is getting married, how wonderful. Tell me all about her, tell me about her family."
"Well, they're not like our people, grandma, they're native Americans."
"So, they are first generation."
"No, grandma, you don't understand. They live on a reservation."
"Sammela, so what. Your own mother couldn't cook at all until I taught her, and she was always making reservations."
"No, grandma, you don't understand. We are getting married in a teepee."
"Oh, that's nice. Nu, so when is the wedding?"
"But grandma, I have to tell you that you won't be able to come to the wedding."
"But why Sammela, your grandma has to be at your wedding?"
"I'm sorry, but only native Americans and persons with Indian names can attend."
"Well, then, I will be there."
"How grandma, you don't have an Indian name."
"Yes Sammela, I do."
"What, grandma, what's your Indian name?"
"Sitting Shiva."

(#500) Oh happy day
"Congratulations, Moishe" said the bridegroom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back on today and remember it as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." replied Moishe.
"I know, I know." replied his uncle.

(#405) The colour white
Jeffery, a rather innocent young man, is getting married. On the eve of his wedding night, he goes to his mother and asks, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "This shows everyone that your bride is pure."
Thoughtful, Jeffery goes to his father and asks, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
His father looks at Jeffery in surprise -- "All domestic appliances are white!"

(#354) The sad wedding ceremony
Freda and Moishe were getting married at Edgware synagogue and all was going fine until the Rabbi discovered that Freda and Moishe and their parents had disappeared. A search was immediately made throughout the synagogue and finally, the chazzan found them sitting in the synagogue basement. All six of them were just sitting on the floor and crying. The Rabbi approached Freda and said, "Why are you all crying on this most happy and important day of your lives?"
Freda looked up at the Rabbi and replied, "My parents are alive and Moishe’s parents are alive? Who are we going to name the baby after?"

(#906) Alternatives
Benjamin and Sarah, who were both in their 80’s, invited their grandson Morris to dinner one evening. Morris was impressed by the way Benjamin preceded every request to Sarah with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Sugar Plum, etc. The couple had been married over 50 years and clearly they were still very much in love. While Sarah was in the kitchen, Morris said to Benjamin, "Grandpa. I think it's wonderful that after all these years you still call grandma those loving pet names."
Benjamin hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, Benjy," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

Bits and pieces to choose from

Divorced? Instead of getting married again, why not find a woman you don't like and just give her a house.

Q:  Who was it who asked a Princess seven times to get married?
A:  Her mother

Vicky says to her dad, “You know, a lot of men are going to be miserable when I get married.” Dad replies, “Really, how many are you going to marry?”

Son:         How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father:     I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Q: Why is it important for the groom to stamp on a glass?
A: Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down.

Sadie says that getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends, you order what you want but when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking, the husband gives and the wife takes.

Married life is full of excitement and frustration,

In the first year of marriage the man speaks and the woman listens
In the second year  the woman speaks and the man listens
In the third year   they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Definition of a perfect wife: Someone who helps her husband with the dishes

Confucius, he say, “man who sinks into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.”

Marriage is when man and a woman become one, the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves, after the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

“I married Miss Right.  I just didn't know her first name was Always.”

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"  I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Some naughtier jokes

(#1449) The instructor
Joel and Sarah are soon getting married but are so ‘innocent’ that neither knows what to do on their wedding night. So they agree to see the wise Rabbi Levy for advice. After they explain their predicament, Rabbi Levy takes them up to his bedroom and says, "It’s easier to show you what to do than to explain. Sarah, could you please get undressed and lie down on my bed. I’ll then show you what to do."
Sarah does what she’s told and Rabbi Levy then begins to show them, personally and in great detail, all the steps involved in making love on their first night. When he finishes, he gets off the bed and says to Joel, "Now take Sarah home and practice what I have just shown you."
But Sarah interrupts. With her face all flushed, she says, "Wait a minute Rabbi, please show Joel again what to do.... he’s a little forgetful."

(XXX#145) A letter to an Agony Aunt
Dear Naomi
I am getting married next month to a gorgeous girl called Miriam and our reception is going to be held at the Dorchester hotel in London.
Because my family’s invitation list totalled 120 people, more than her parents were expecting to pay for, Miriam’s mother Rachel invited me to her house in Hampstead to see what could be done. When I got there, Rachel and I went through my list and we managed to trim it down to 101, including my Rabbi. Rachel said she could accept this number. She is not only young and attractive but also very understanding.
Then, out of the blue, Rachel shocked me. She said that she fancied me and that before I became a married man, she would like to have sex with me. She then turned around and started walking upstairs to the bedroom. Half way up the stairs, she turned around and told me that if I wanted to leave, I knew where the front door was.
I stood there for a few minutes and then made my decision. As I headed out the front door, there was Max, my future father-in-law, leaning on my Lexus. Smiling, Max said to me, "Mazeltov, you’ve passed our little test." He then explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good Jewish boy and would be faithful to their little girl. We then shook hands.
So Naomi, the question is, should I tell Miriam what her parents did and that I thought their test insulted my character? Or should I keep quiet, knowing that the reason I went to my car was to get a condom?
Relieved of Edgware

(#1684) The pre-nuptial agreement
Sam and Leah, both in their 80's, are discussing the possibility of getting married. Leah says, "If I marry you, Sam, I’ll want to keep my au pair. She’s fantastic."
"That's OK with me," replies Sam.
"And I’ll also want to keep my Lexus," Leah continues.
"That's also fine with me. It won’t be a problem," says Sam.
"And not only that," says Leah, "I’ll want to have sex 6 times a week, without fail."
"That's no problem with me," says Sam. "Put me down for Mondays."

(#1360) Dangerous liaison
87 years old Nathan is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Fay. ‘What a beauty,’ he says to himself. Then he can’t believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.  On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Fay notices that Nathan is very quiet and still. She then realises that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.
At Nathan’s funeral, one of Fay’s friends comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Fay. Whatever happened?"
"Nothing much," Fay replies, "he came and he went."

(XXX#85) The strong man
Fay and Cyril get married and on their first night in bed, Cyril puts his arm around Fay and very sweetly whispers, "Fay darling, please pull up your nightgown."
Very sweetly Fay answers, "Nooo."
Cyril asks again, a little sterner, "Fay pull up your nightgown."
Fay again says, "No."
Cyril is now angry and says, "Fay, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you’ll never see me again."
"No." says Fay.
So Cyril gets up and goes out the front door, slamming it behind him. Fay immediately gets up and locks the door.
Not too long after, Cyril is back. He tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says, "Fay, my darling, open the door, it’s me."
Fay says, "Nooo."
Cyril knocks a little louder, "Fay, sweetness, please open the door."
"No." says Fay.
Cyril starts kicking the door and shouts, "Fay, open this door right now or I'll break it down."
Fay says, "Really? A door you can break down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"

(XXX#93) Time for marriage
Victor and Leah were an elderly couple who had been dating for some time. One day, they decided it was finally time to get married. But first, they needed to discuss how their marriage might work. They talked about finances, living arrangements, health and finally, their conjugal relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" Victor asked Leah, with a smile on his face.
 "Oh, I like to have it infrequently," replied Leah.
Victor thought about this and then asked, "Was that one word or two?"

(XXX#105) Early love
Little Yitzhak and Rivkah are only 10 years old and think they are in love. So they decide to get married. Yitzhak bravely goes to Rivkah's father and says, "Mr Levy, me and Rivkah are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Keeping a serious face, Mr Levy replies, "Well Yitzhak, you are 10, I believe. Where will you both live?"
Yitzhak replies, "In Rivkah's room. It's bigger than mine so we can both fit nicely."
Still trying not to smile, Mr Levy says, "OK then, where will you get enough money to support Rivkah? You're not old enough to get a job."
Yitzhak replies, "Rivkah gets £8 a week pocket money and I get £7.50 a week pocket money. That's over £65 a month and that should be enough."
Mr Levy is surprised that Yitzhak has put so much thinking into the marriage, so he tries to come up with something that Yitzhak won't be able to answer. He says, "Well Yitzhak, it seems like you’ve got everything worked out. I have just one more question for you. What will you do if you should have little ones of your own?"
Yitzhak shrugs his shoulders and replies, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

All the above jokes are Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff .  They must not be copied or circulated but only used for your special occasion


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