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(#1020) A story for the chronologically
It’s Fay’s 80th birthday and she decides to celebrate it on her own at the Savoy Hotel because they make good drinks there. As soon as she arrives, Fay goes into the bar and orders a whiskey with 2 drops of water.
As the barman gives her the drink, Fay tells him, "I'm 80 years old today, you know."
The barman says, "As it's your birthday, this drink is on me."
"Thank you," says Fay, and she quickly finishes her drink.
Then a woman next to her says, "I’d like to buy you a drink, too."
"Why thanks," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey with 2 drops of water, please."
"Coming right up," says the barman. Fay again knocks back her drink.
Then a man next to her says, "Mazeltov, madam, may I too buy you a drink?"
"Why yes," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey with 2 drops of water please."
As he hands her the drink, the barman says, "Excuse me for asking but why the whiskey with only 2 drops of water? I'm dying to know."
Fay replies, "It’s simple - when you're my age, you know how to hold your liquor, but take it from me, water is something altogether different!"
(#474) The drinker
It is Saturday night and Sean is in an Irish pub in Cricklewood. He soon strikes up a conversation with the fellow next to him at the bar. Sean says, "I must stop drinking all this Irish whiskey."
"Why do you want to do that?" asked his companion.
"Because every Saturday night I go out and drink a half a bottle of the stuff, come home drunk, make mad passionate love to my wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to church."
"What's wrong with that?" the friend asks. "A lot of good Irishmen go out on Saturday night, drink a half bottle of good Irish whiskey, come home drunk, make love to the wife, and go to mass on Sunday."
"I know," said Sean, "but I'm Jewish."
(#103) What a coincidence!
Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Israel."
Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?"
Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."
Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?"
Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?"
Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University."
Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it! I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also."
About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."
(#323) I’m tired and thirsty
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost in the desert, wandering for days.
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have some wine."
The German says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have a beer."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty. I must have diabetes."
(#1312) The hot spot
Unusually for a mid August day in Golders Green, it’s very, very hot. Sadie has been busy. She’s washed the floor, made the evening’s roast meal and taken the washing out of the washing machine and hung them up. Then she leaves the house to go pick up some dry cleaning. As Sadie walks to the shops, she’s perspiring profusely so when she comes to a pub, she says to herself, "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today, so vy nodt? I must go ged a drink or I’ll pass out."
She enters. When the bartender asks what she would like to drink, all she can think of is a cold beer, her Nathan’s favourite drink when he’s hot. So she replies, "Ya know, it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
"Anheuser Busch?" asks the bartender.
Sadie blushes and replies, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yu pecker?"
(#727) The reporter and the old man
The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benjy was coming up to his 108th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut," Benjy answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I’ve been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Shlomo followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benjy, "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."
(#734) Insulting stuff?
Bernie and Abe are having a drink together in a City wine bar to celebrate Abe’s recent promotion. They had been drinking for some time when Bernie begins to insult Abe. He shouts, “I slept with your mother, Abe.”
There was a hush as everyone listens.
Bernie again shouts at Abe, “I slept with your mother, Abe.”
Abe replies, “I know. Why don’t you go home now, Dad, you’re drunk.”
(#82) The car crash
Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi Bloom sees the priest's collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there's nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a priest and I'm a rabbi so it must be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
Father Michael replies, "I agree with you completely. This truly must be a sign from God."
Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to the priest. Father Michael takes a few big swigs and passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands it back to the priest.
Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having any wine?"
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police," says Rabbi Bloom.
(#1280) At the country club
Aaron and Rivka move to the suburbs and join the new, very elite, Country Club. But just before their first meal at the club, Aaron is feeling somewhat anxious about Rivka’s lack of finesse and so decides to give her some advice.
"Rivka," he says, "ven ve go to dee club and dee vaiter asks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink, please don't say `ah glass Manishevitz vine.' At a club like dis, you don't esk for Manishevitz vine."
"Well, Aaron," she replies, "if I can’t esk for Manishevitz, vot should I esk for?"
"You should esk for ah Martini," replies Aaron, "every lady drinks Martini. You'll like it."
That evening at the club, as the smartly dressed drinks waiter arrives at their table to take their order, Rivka is ready. "Madam, may I bring you a cocktail?"
Rivka replies, "Yes, I'll have ah Martini."
"Dry?" asks the waiter.
"No," replies Rivka, "tzvei iz genug (two is enough)."
(#1119) A night out
Issy decides to go out for the evening. He might be nearly 90 years of age but Issy still thinks of himself as one of God’s gifts to the ladies. He gets himself ready in the usual manner and then looks at himself in the mirror. What does he see? He sees a handsome, mature, smartly dressed gentleman in a great looking modern suit, a carnation in his lapel, well groomed hair and sparkling eyes. Issy is pleased with what he sees. He finishes by spraying on his favourite Eau Savage cologne and then makes his way to the Park Lane Hilton.
Seated at the Hilton bar is Becky, in her mid eighties. Issy walks over, sits besides her, and orders a drink. When it arrives, he takes a sip, turns to Becky and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
(#1263) Advert in a Jewish magazine
I’m looking for the girl I met last week at the kiddush after shul service. You went to get some chrayn (horseradish) for your gefilte fish but you never came back. I was the man with the wine and cholent stains on my tie.
(#672) My heroic Zeida
My Zaida was very religious. He prayed 3 times a day and laid tefillin every morning. One night, he heard a noise downstairs and having no fear for his safety went downstairs to see what it was. It was a burglar and he was putting my Zaida’s silver cutlery, wine goblets and candlesticks into a bag. This made my Zaida very angry and he shouted at him to stop. He then tried to take the bag away but when he reached for it, the burglar pulled a knife out of the bag and was just about to stab my Zaida when all of a sudden, my Zaida screamed out "nisht mit the milchidic messer" (not with the dairy knife).
(#1232) Shul goer
As Daniel and his wife Naomi are coming out of shul one shabbes, she says to him, "That Robson girl has put on a lot of weight, dear. Maybe she’s pregnant. What do you think?"
"The Robson girl? If she was there, I didn't see her," replies Daniel.
"And did you see that flirty Sharon Kay winking at the boys? Disgraceful, don’t you think, dear?"
"I must have been looking the other way when this happened," he replies.
"And what do you think about the short dress Rivkah Levy was wearing? That can’t be the right thing for a mother of three children to wear in shul. Don’t you agree, dear?" asks Naomi.
"Sorry darling," replies Daniel, "but I didn’t notice her dress."
"Well then, you must have seen Kitty Usum drinking all those glasses of wine during Kiddush," she says.
"I wasn't watching Kitty," says Daniel.
"Oh for goodness sake," shouts Naomi, "I don’t know why you bother to go to shul these days."
(#693) The two Rabbis
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy always greeted each other at shul by saying, "Good Shabbos" to each other. One shabbos, Rabbi Bloom, the younger of the two, asked Rabbi Levy, "What by you is a good shabbos?"
Rabbi Levy replied, "By me, a good shabbos is when I wake up, have a good breakfast, go to shul, the bar mitzvah boy does a good job, my sermon goes down well, we have a kiddush, I have a whisky, go home to lunch, have a little sleep, a little studying, and then say Havdalah. That to me is a good shabbos. And what is a good shabbos by you?"
Rabbi Bloom replies, "By me a good shabbos is when I wake up, turn around and my wife and I make mad passionate love. Get up, shower, get dressed, have breakfast, snuggle a bit with my wife, walk to shul, do all the things you mentioned in shul, and come home. My wife and I make mad passionate love, have lunch, go out for a walk hand in hand, come home, go to bed and make mad passionate love once more. Then I make Havdalah. And that by me is a good shabbos."
"That," says Rabbi Levy, "is not a good shabbos. That is a GREAT shabbos."
(#976) Family growth
Abe’s father is a widower and a multi-millionaire. He also has a terminal illness and is likely to pass away soon. Abe, a single man, decides he needs a woman with whom to enjoy his soon-to-be-received fortune and where better to find one than in a single’s bar.
With luck, on his first visit, Abe meets Rifka, a woman whose beauty literally takes his breath away.
"I'm just a standard kind of a nice guy," he says to her, "but in a week or two’s time my dear father is expected to die and I'll inherit over £20 million."
Rifka goes home with Abe and the following day becomes his stepmother.
(#558) A miracle!
A group of Rabbis were having lunch in “Isaacs White House” kosher restaurant. Unfortunately, Isaac served them watermelon spiked with whisky that he had prepared for another table and he realised his mistake too late to do anything about it. All Isaac could do was wait in his kitchen and expect the worst.
As soon as the waiter came back into the kitchen with the empty plates, Isaac grabbed hold of him and asked, "What did they say, please tell me, what did they say?"
"Nothing at all, Mr Isaac," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy searching for the watermelon seeds and putting them into their pockets."
(#1039) Good dinner dates
Hannah is talking to her best friend Sharon. They are both still single. "After my recent experiences with some of my dates, Sharon, I firmly believe men are like a fine wine."
"Why do you say that?" asks Sharon.
"Well," replies Hannah, "they start out as grapes and it's up to women like us to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."
Q: Why don’t Jews drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering.
Becky's husband dies. It was not until sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and handed me 3 envelopes. ‘Becky’, he said, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace.’"
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends asked.
"It contained £5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany coffin for him."
"The 2nd envelope contained £10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including some fine malt whisky."
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends.
"The 3rd envelope contained £25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did."
Becky then held up her hand and pointed to her 5 carat diamond ring.
"So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"
Gary’s very classy. When we had an evening of music and drink in his house recently, I asked whether he had any Rachmaninoff. Gary replied he didn’t have any vodka, only beer.
SOME NAUGHTIER JOKES
(XXX#19) The honeymoon
A young Jewish couple on their honeymoon in Bournemouth went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Do we have any entertainment? Of course we do, in fact The Amazing Benny is performing this very night!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage, dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his penis and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.
On their 20th anniversary, the same couple went back to Bournemouth and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage, slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his penis and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, slowly dragging his card table.
The couple were amazed and the husband said to the bartender, "He did that act 20 years ago when we were here...but then he did it with walnuts. Nu? So now he does this with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, 20 years is 20 years and The Amazing Benny is not what he used to be...his eyes aren't so good now!"
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