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Our Rabbi unveiled the synagogues new fundraising campaign slogan last week
”I Upped My Pledge Up Yours”
(#2) The beggars.
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Starof David but drop money in the other guys hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."
(#1137) The synagogue service
Max has been a confirmed atheist ever since he left University. But now that he is approaching his 60th birthday, spiritual issues start to become part of his life and he decides to ‘become’ a Jew again. The next shabbes, Max goes to shul for the first time in nearly 40 years.
He enjoys the occasion and even listens attentively to the Rabbi’s sermon, especially the bit at the end when the Rabbi announces that his sermon next week would be about the great flood.
At the end of the service, Max goes over to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I really enjoyed the service. Unfortunately I won’t be able to attend next week. But please don’t think I will be shirking my duties – I can be as charitable as the next man. So please put me down for £20 for the flood victims."
(#9) The Inland Revenue. (Similar to
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?"
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
(#759) Death of a dog
[My thanks to Jeffrey Stonefor the following joke]
Benny’s dog has died and he goes to see his rabbi. "Rabbi, I wonder whether you could find the time to say a special blessing at my dog's grave?"
The rabbi replies, "I'm afraid it isn't possible, Benny. In fact the rules don't really make any allowance for animals."
Benny says, "But I'm really upset, rabbi."
"So maybe you should go to see the Reform rabbi over the road," says the rabbi.
As Benny walks away dejectedly, he turns to the rabbi and says, "What a shame. I was willing to donate £1,000 for such a service."
At which point the rabbi shouts, "Come back, come back."
Benny turns round and says, "I thought you couldn't help me."
"Ah," says the rabbi, "but you didn't tell me your dog was Orthodox."
(#593) The deal
Issy and Howard were brothers who had lived and worked in Golders Green all their lives. Unfortunately, nothing good could be said about them - they ran a crooked business, they womanized, they lied and they cheated the poor. But they were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died, Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate to the synagogue one hundred thousand pounds if you will say at the funeral that my brother Issy was a mensch." The Rabbi thought long and hard but eventually agreed.
At the funeral, the Rabbi told everyone present of Issy’s wrong doings. He then closed with the sentence "But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"
(#134) The big squeeze
The local pub was so sure that its barman was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1,000 bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, rowers, wrestlers, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day Hyman, a scrawny little man, came into the bar wearing thick glasses and a cheap jacket.
Hyman went up to the barman and said in a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the barman said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to Hyman. But the laughter turned to silence as Hyman clenched his fist around the lemon and four more drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the barman paid the £1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a professional strong man, or what?"
Hyman replied, "No. I’m not, I work for the Jewish National Fund."
The rabbi tells his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
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