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Issy is not well and goes to see doctor Myers. After examining him, doctor Myers says, "Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions."
"OK," says Issy, "how much is this going to cost me?"
"The 12 sessions plus drugs will cost you £1,000," replies doctor Myers.
"Oy," says Issy, "Iím not a wealthy man, doctor. Couldnít you make it less?"
"Well Ö I could do it for £850," replies doctor Myers.
"Itís still more than I can afford, doctor," says Issy, "Iíve 3 children and a Jewish wife to support."
"OK," says doctor Myers, "how about £700?"
"Itís still too high, doctor," says Issy. "My business is doing terrible and my wife has told her mother that she can live with us."
"Alright already," says doctor Myers, "Iíll do it for £600 and not a penny less."
"Thanks doctor, I can accept that," says Issy.
"Good," says doctor Myers, "but tell me Ė why did you come to me to seek treatment when you know Iím the most expensive doctor in this area?"
"Well," replies Issy, "youíve got a marvellous reputation and when it comes to my health, money is no object!"
(#1585) His new
One day, thereís an explosion at the oil refinery where Moshe works and although he doesnít lose his life, he does lose his ears - both are blown off in the blast. So he goes to see doctor Myers, a Harley Street specialist. After examining him, doctor Myers says, "Well Moshe, I can reconstruct your ears without too much of a problem."
"Thatís great news, doctor," says Moshe, "but how will you do it?"
"I use one of 3 types of material for reconstructing ears," says doctor Myers. "I can rebuild using plastic, cowís ears or pigís ears. Hereís some samples to help you chose."
Moshe carefully feels each sample in turn. He thinks the plastic too hard and the cowís ears too soft. But the pigís ears feel very natural and though he isn't happy using non-kosher materials, Moshe decides to go for them.
Three weeks after the operation, Moshe goes back to Harley Street for a check up. Doctor Myers is pleased with the appearance of Mosheís new ears and asks him whether his hearing is impaired in any way.
"No doctor," replies Moshe, "but I do get some crackling from time to time."
Sadie takes her 16-year-old daughter to see Doctor Myers. The doctor says, "Okay, what's the problem?"
Sadie says, "It's my daughter, Sarah. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Sarah a good examination, then turns to Sadie and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Sarah is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess."
Sadie says, "Pregnant? She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Sarah?"
"No mother. I've never even kissed a man."
Doctor Myers walked over to the window and just stared out of it. 5 minutes pass and finally Sadie says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
Doctor Myers replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I certainly donít want to miss it."
(#602) The check-up
Maurice was 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.
"Mr Levy, what about urination? Do you have any problems?"
Maurice replies, "No doctor, itís very regular, every morning at precisely 7am."
"And what about your bowel movements?"
Maurice replies, "Theyíre fine also doctor, every morning at precisely 8am."
The doctor asks, "So then why did you come to see me, Mr Levy?"
Maurice replies, "Oy, doctor, I donít wake up before 10am."
(#962) To be a
A doctor needs three things to be successful
1. To have grey hair, to look distinguished;
2. To be moderately overweight, to look prosperous;
3. To have painful haemorrhoids, to have a constant look of grave concern.
(#963) A call
to the doctor
Sarah had recently given birth to her first child. Sarah was also a bit of a worrier to say the least and she hadnít been home long before she rang her doctor in a state of panic.
ďSo whatís the problem, Sarah?Ē asks the doctor.
ďMy baby has a temperature of 102, doctor. Is he going to die?Ē shouts Sarah.
The doctor, needing to determine whether Sarah was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere, said, ďI hope you donít mind me asking you this question, but Öhow are you taking it?Ē
Sarah replied, ďOh, I'm holding up pretty well, doctor.Ē
Sam is recovering from a recent heart attack and goes to visit Dr Myers, his cardiologist. After a full check up, Dr Myers tells Sam that he will be able to resume his sex life as soon as he can climb two flights of stairs without getting out of breath.
Sam says, ďOK, but what if I only look for women who live on the ground floor?"
first check up
Doctor Kosiner has just joined a new doctorsí practice and today is his first session on duty. The first patient to enter his office is a woman holding a baby. "How can I help you?" he says to the woman.
"Today, doctor, is the date booked for baby Samís first check-up," she replies.
"OK," says doctor Kosiner, "Letís take a good look at him."
He then examines baby Sam from top to bottom and finishes his examination by weighing the baby. He hands back baby Sam with a worried look on his face and says, "Is the baby bottle fed or breast fed?"
"Heís breast fed, doctor," she replies.
"OK then," he says to her, "could you please strip down to the waist. I need to check something out."
She does as sheís told. Doctor Kosiner then looks at her right nipple, pinches it and gently rubs it. He then looks at her left nipple, pinches it and rubs it gently. He then rubs both breasts for a while in a very professional way. When he finishes examining her, doctor Kosiner says, "Baby Sam is underweight and Iíve found out why. You donít have any breast milk."
"That doesnít surprise me at all," she says.
"Why do you say that?" asks doctor Kosiner, looking a bit puzzled.
"Because Iím baby Samís bubbeh, thatís why," she replies. "But donít worry, doctor, Iím very glad I came because mine Arnold doesnít do such nice things to me these days."
(#1834) The patientís
For the last three months, Hymie has been going through one medical problem after another and has spent most of this period in bed. First he had a minor heart attack, then he developed pneumonia, and then he fell badly and slipped a disc in his back. Now, at last, he seems to be getting over his troubles and today heís going to see doctor Myers, his specialist, for a check-up. But heís definitely not looking forward to this because doctor Myers has regularly given him negative prognoses.
45 minutes later, after giving Hymie a thorough going over, doctor Myers says, "Well, Hymie, youíll be pleased to learn that Iím very satisfied with your progress."
Hymie canít believe the optimism doctor Myers is now showing after all the previous doom and gloom. "Well, thank goodness for that," says Hymie, "itís about time I heard some good news from you."
"Your heart rhythm is strong," says doctor Myers, "your lungs are clear, youíve got a nice skin colour and youíre looking very healthy indeed. Youíve still got a slipped disk, however, but Iím not really worried about it."
"Listen doctor," says Hymie, "if you had a slipped disk, believe me, I wouldnít be worried about it either."
(#559) Fit for
Morris had reached 60, so he went to see doctor Myers for a full medical check-up. When he had finished, doctor Myers said, "Relax, Morris, youíre in very good shape. I canít find anything wrong with you. Youíll probably live till youíre 100. So how old was your father when he died?"
Morris replied, "Did I say he was dead?"
Doctor Myers then asked, "How old is your father, is he still active?"
"Heís 83 and goes jogging and Israeli dancing every week." Morris replied.
Doctor Myers was very surprised. "How old was your grandfather when he died?"
Morris again answered, "Did I say he was dead, doctor?"
Doctor Myers was astonished. "You mean to tell me that you are 60 years old and both your father and grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather active?"
Morris replied, "He goes swimming twice a week, and plays a full round of golf every Sunday, weather permitting. Not only that, he is 107 years old and next month he is getting married again."
Doctor Myers said, "If heís 107 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
Morris looked Doctor Myers in the eye and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
(#562) A call
to the hospital
A woman telephoned the Middlesex Hospital.
"Hello, I'd like to talk to someone who can give me some up-to-date information about one of your patients."
The operator said, "Please hold while I find someone who can help."
Soon, an authoritative voice said, "Iím the hospital manager. Are you the lady who is asking about one of our patients?"
"Yes," she replied, "I'd like to know exactly how Rifka Levy in Room 23 is doing." He replied, "Levy, now let me seeÖLewis, Levine, LevyÖ yes, I have Mrs Levyís details here. It says she is doing very well. She's eaten two full meals and her doctor says if she continues improving, he is going to release her on Tuesday. Is that the information you need?"
The woman said, "Yes, itís wonderful news that she's going home on Tuesday. I'm so happy."
The manager then asked, "From your excitement, you must be one of Mrs Levyís close family."
She says, "What close family? I am Rifka Levy. My doctor wonít tell me anything.Ē
(#1900) The home
Benjamin has just completed his first year at Manchester University and rings his mother Miriam. "Mum," he says, "if itís OK with you, Iíll be coming home next weekend to see you and dad."
"If itís OK with me?" she replies, crying. "Oh Benjy, of course it will be OK with me. You give me so much naches. Iím thrilled youíre coming. I just canít wait to see you again. Iíll make you all you favourite food. But please drive carefully."
When the call is over, Miriam immediately starts getting his old room ready for him. The weekend quickly arrives and all goes well. There are many things they talk about, but then she asks him, "So, my boychick, you have a nice girlfriend already in Manchester?"
Benjamin was prepared for this question. He knew it would come up during his visit. "Well, mum," he replies, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
"So give me the bad news first," she replies, looking very worried.
"I'm gay, mum," he replies.
"Oy vay!" cries Miriam, "so tell me the good news before I faint on the floor."
"I'm in love with such a nice doctor, mum," he replies.
(#1907) Heís forgetful
Miriam goes with her husband Barry to see his doctor. When they return, she goes into the study and phones her friend Ruth.
"Iíve just come back from the doctors," says Miriam. "My Barry is not a well man."
"Oy, whatís the matter with him?" asks Ruth.
"Well, you know I keep on telling you how forgetful Barry always is?" replies Miriam. "Well, the doctor has just told us that Barry is now showing all the signs of the onset of Alzheimerís."
"Oh Iím so sorry to hear that, Miriam." says Ruth.
"But there is some good news," says Miriam. "It should be a very smooth transition."
(#1908) Iíll do
Not long after attending her grandson Paulís 12th birthday party, Rebecca has a heart attack. Whilst in hospital, she starts to plead with her cardiologist. "Oy, doctor David," she says, "youíve just got to keep me alive for the next 12 months so that I can attend my bubbeleh grandson Paulís barmitzvah. Heís my first grandchild."
"Iíll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca," says doctor David.
"Thank you doctor," says Rebecca. And 12 months later, Rebecca does indeed attend Paulís barmitzvah.
Ten years later, whilst Rebecca is seeing doctor David for a check-up, she says, "I have another request, doctor."
"And what do you need me to do this time, Rebecca?" he asks.
"In a yearís time, please God, my grand-daughter Suzy is marrying a lovely, lovely, man, a real mensh, and I desperately want to attend their wedding. So please, doctor, please ensure that I stay alive long enough to attend their wedding."
"Iíll do my utmost to get you there, Rebecca," says doctor David.
"Thank you doctor," says Rebecca. And 12 months later, Rebecca does indeed attend Suzyís wedding.
Over the next twenty years, Rebecca regularly visits doctor David for check-ups, and she always religiously follows his advice. Then one day, she suddenly phones doctor David. "Hello doctor," she says. "Itís Rebecca here."
"Are you OK Rebecca?" asks doctor David, sounding worried. "Is anything the matter?"
"Nothingís the matter doctor," replies Rebecca, "I think everything is OK and I'm feeling fine. But Iím calling because I have another request to make. Do you remember when you enabled me to attend my grandsonís barmitzvah?"
"Yes Rebecca, I do," he replies.
"And do you remember when you enabled me to attend my grand-daughterís wedding?"
"Yes Rebecca, I do," he replies.
"And are you aware that I've just celebrated my 80th birthday?" asks Rebecca.
"Yes Rebecca, I know," he replies.
"Well, Iím ringing you because Iíve just taken delivery of a new mattress," says Rebecca.
"Mazeltov," says doctor David, "but why are you phoning me about your mattress?"
"Because," replies Rebecca, "the mattress came with a 20 year guarantee!"
(#579) A visit
to the doctor
Abe came home one day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, whatís the matter?"
"Oy Abe," cried Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Doctor Cohen and get this sorted out right now."
So Abe called his doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis."
The doctor said something to Abe and with that, Abe began laughing.
"So what's so funny about my having such a dreadful disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor Cohen didn't say 'tuberculosis', he said 'too big a tochusí"
(#706) The cure?
Moishe goes to see his doctor and says, "You must help me, doctor. Sadie isn't interested in sex anymore. Do you have something I can give her?"
"Iím not really allowed to prescribe..." the doctor starts, but is interrupted.
"Doctor, can we talk off the record please? In all the years we've known each other, have you ever seen me like this? Iím desperate. I can't concentrate, my business is failing and Iím going to pieces. I beg of you Ė please help me."
The doctor takes a bottle of pills from his cabinet and says, "I really shouldnít do this. These pills are still experimental and the results so far indicate that they're very powerful. So please don't give Sadie any more than one at a time. I suggest you put it in her coffee. Do you understand, Moishe?
"Yes. Thanks doctor."
Later that evening, after dinner, when Sadie goes into the kitchen to fetch the dessert, Moishe drops one pill into Sadieís coffee, hesitates, and then drops in a second pill. But Moishe couldnít forget the doctor saying they were powerful. What should he do? In a flash of inspiration, he also drops a pill into his coffee.
Sadie returns with the lochshen pudding, which they both enjoy with their coffee. Five minutes after they finish, Sadie takes a deep breath, sighs and starts to shake. A strange look comes over her and in a sexy tone of voice she says, "Oy vay, Moishe, do I need a man right now."
Moisheís hands are now trembling as he replies, "Me too."
(#708) A visit
to the doctor
Benny is nearly 80 years old and goes to his doctor for his yearly medical checkup. His wife Becky comes along with him.
As soon as they enter the doctorís office, the doctor says to Benny, "I need a urine sample and a stool sample."
Bennyís hearing was not as good as it used to be, so he looks at Becky and shouts, "What did the doctor say he wanted?"
Becky shouts back, "He wants your underwear."
(#1075) Wear it
for 3 weeks
Rivkah wakes up one morning and utters a loud "Oy Vay." She has a nagging pain in her left shoulder. She immediately goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, her doctor says, "Do you own a full length mink coat?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one for our silver wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my shoulder has cleared, but I now have a pain in my left index finger."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a 3 or 4 carat diamond ring?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me a 4 carat ring to celebrate the birth of Moshe, our first grandson."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my finger is OK but I'm now getting terrible headaches behind my eyes."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a platinum and diamond tiara?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one to wear under the chuppah at our Sarah's wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, itís a miracle. My shoulder feels great, my finger feels great and I'm not getting any further headaches. Thank you very, very much. But I have one question to ask you."
"What is it Rivkah?" asks her doctor.
"Doctor, how do you treat your non Jewish patients?"
(#1087) Good advice
Abe is in a terrible state and goes to see Dr Myers, his psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I need your help in a big way. I feel very suicidal. What should I do?"
Doctor Myers replies, "You must pay me in advance."
(#1118) What did
Samís daughter says to him one day, "Dad, as youíre coming up to 80, why donít you go see doctor Seigal and get him to give you a full medical? You havenít been yourself ever since Mum died."
"OK," says Sam. And sure enough, a week later, he has a full health check.
Three days afterwards, doctor Seigal is surprised to see Sam walking towards him in Edgware High Street with a beautiful, sexy looking lady on his arm. She looks no more than 30. When they meet, doctor Seigal says, "Itís nice to see you Sam. When you have a moment, why donít you call me? I have something I need to discuss with you."
"OK doctor," says Sam, "Iíll call you this afternoon."
When Sam rings later that day, doctor Seigal says to him, "I see that youíve decided to start seeing other women, Sam."
"Yes doctor," replies Sam, "Iím doing what you suggested when you said Ďget a hot mamma and be cheerful.í"
"But thatís not what I said, Sam," says doctor Seigal, "I told you that Ďyou've got a heart murmur... be careful.í"
(#273) A visit
to his doctor
Benjamin rushes to his doctor.
"Doctor, youíve got to give me something to make me young again. Iíve got a date with this beautiful young girl tonight."
His doctor said, "Hold on a second, youíre 70 years old, thereís really not a lot I can do for you."
Benjamin replies, "But doctor, my friend Tony is much older than I am and he says he has sex three times a week."
"OK," says the doctor, "so you say it too!"
(#275) The party
During the party, Becky was introduced to Dr. Selnick.
"Oh doctor," says Becky, sidling up to him, "Iím so glad to meet you. You see I have this problem. Every time I raise my arm above my head, I get a pain in my right side."
"Iím sorry," says Dr. Selnick, "Iím afraid I canít help you. I happen to be a doctor of Economics."
"Well, in that case," says Becky, "tell me, should I sell my Marks and Spencer shares now?"
(#286) The Value
Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.
Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Rachel says, "No children? ... and no grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"
(#287) A Flucky
Bernard, an elderly Jew, is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah, his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
Bernard returns home, and Sarah says Ė
"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" ["So? What did the doctor say?"]
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"
"I don't know -- he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."
Well, by this time Sarah is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbours "My Bernard was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"
Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky."
Neighbour #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him... nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."
Abe goes to see Doctor Myers and says, "I want to become a woman."
"You must be joking," says Doctor Myers.
"No Iím not," says Abe, "Iím serious about it. Are you willing to perform the necessary operations on me?"
"No, definitely not," replies Doctor Myers.
"So who will do it?" asks Abe.
"Well I shouldnít tell you this," replies Doctor Myers, "but I know the name of a doctor in France who can do it."
Six months later, Abe returns to Doctor Myers and says, "Iím so glad you gave me the name of doctor Jean-Pierre. Iíve had it done and I feel terrific. My new name is Sadie and I now function in every way like a woman, emotionally as well as physically."
"But Ö Sadie," asks Doctor Myers, "donít you have any emotions or desires left over from your previous life as a man?"
"Well now you ask," replies Sadie, "some mornings I do have this great urge to lay tefillin."
(#1786) The post
Bernie and Judith are worried sick because their little daughter Talya has just swallowed some aspirin tablets she found in the kitchen. Bernie immediately phones doctor Myers. "Doctor," he shouts hysterically down the phone, "my Talya has swallowed 3 or 4 aspirin tablets. What should I do, what should I do?"
"First of all calm down," replies doctor Myers. "When did she take them?"
"I think about 45 minutes ago, doctor," replies Bernie.
"Is her face an unusual colour?" asks doctor Myers.
"No, doctor," replies Bernie.
"Has she been sick?" asks doctor Myers.
"No, doctor," replies Bernie.
"Is she crying?" asks doctor Myers.
"No, doctor, sheís not crying," replies Bernie. "In fact sheís quite normal. But Iím still worried. All those aspirin. What should I be doing?"
"Well there is something you can do," replies doctor Myers. "You can try to give your Talya a headache."
(#1456) Home truth
When Shlomo arrives home one evening, he finds his wife Sarah crying.
"Whatís the matter?" he asks her.
"I went to doctor Myers today for a check up on my blood pressure and after heíd finished, he said I can't make love to you."
Morris asks, "How'd he find out?"
90 year old Issy goes to his doctor. "Doctor, Iím having trouble passing water."
"How long has this been happening?" asks the doctor.
"I havenít gone in three days," replies Issy.
"Well," says the doctor, "thatís not good news."
The doctor opens his drawer and gives Issy a large bottle of pills. "Take 2 of these pills as soon as you get home and then take two pills 3 times a day. Give me a call in 3 days time."
Issy goes home and starts his treatment. Three days later, he calls the doctor as requested.
"Are they working?" asks the doctor.
"No," replies Issy.
So the doctor tells him to take four pills 3 times a day and to call him again in 3 days time.
Issy does as he is told and 3 days later he calls the doctor again.
"Are they working?" asks the doctor.
"No," replies Issy.
The doctor then tells Issy to take ten pills 4 times a day and not to stray too far from the toilet. Issy does as requested. 3 days later, he calls the doctor again.
"Are they working now?" asks the doctor.
"No," replies Issy, "and Iím getting very worried, doctor. It's been nearly two weeks since I last pished."
The doctor asks, "How old are you?"
"Iím nearly 91," replies Issy.
"Well," says the doctor, "then thereís no need to worry. Youíve pished enough in your life."
Rifka is out shopping in the West End of London one very hot and humid Sunday afternoon when suddenly a man faints at the junction between Oxford Street and Bond Street. Traffic quickly piles up in all directions.
Rifka sees the man collapse and rushes over to help him. But as she kneels down to loosen his collar, a man emerges from the crowd, pushes her aside and says, "It's all right, darling, I've taken a course in first aid."
Rifka stands up and watches as he takes the man's pulse and prepares to give artificial respiration. At this point Rifka taps him on the shoulder and says, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
Moshe is 80 years old and is in doctor Myersí office discussing the results of his recent medical check-up. Doctor Myers finishes looking at the cardiogram and says, "Mazeltov, Moshe. Iím pleased to be able to tell you that your health is absolutely A1. You have good lungs, your blood pressure is fine for someone your age, and this cardiogram shows that your heart will go on beating for many more years yet. So come back in 2 years time and Iíll give you another check-up."
Moshe shakes the doctorís hand and says, "Thanks doctor, I was worried about my health before I came here, so Iím glad all is OK." He then leaves.
But within seconds of Moshe leaving the office, doctor Myers hears a loud thump from the reception area. He rushes out and to his horror sees Moshe lying flat on his back next to the reception desk. He checks Moshe and quickly discovers that Moshe is dead. "Oy veh, what happened?" doctor Myers asks his receptionist.
"He walked past me then fell stiffly backwards to the floor, just like a tree being felled," she replies.
Doctor Myers bends down, puts his hands under Mosheís arms and says to the receptionist, "grab hold of his feet for me please."
"Why do you want me to do that?" she asks. "Shouldnít we leave him as he is for the ambulance men to take?"
"No, definitely not," replies doctor Myers. "We must turn him around right now."
"Why?" asks the receptionist.
"To make it look like he was coming in," replies doctor Myers.
(#1825) A costly
visit to the doctor
Kitty has just turned 40 and is very worried about her health. So she decides to see her gynaecologist, Dr Myers. When she enters his office, he says to her, "And what brings you here today to see me, Kitty?"
Kitty just blushes and is unable to say anything.
"Why are you so embarrassed, Kitty?" asks Dr Myers. "Youíve been seeing me for years and youíve always been able to discuss your problems with me."
"I know," replies Kitty, "but this problem is a little bit different, doctor."
"Maybe," says Dr Myers, "but why donít you let me be the judge of that?"
"Well, OK," says Kitty, "itís like this. When I went to the toilet yesterday morning, as soon as I sat down I heard a plink plink noise. I looked down and there in the water were some 5p coins. I immediately got up and left. When I went to the toilet again some hours later, I again heard a plink plink noise and when I looked down, there were some 10p coins in the water. And then, this morning, the same thing, only this time there were some 20p coins in the water. Oh doctor, whatís happening to me? Have I got a serious illness? Iím so worried."
Dr Myers smiles at her and says, "Dear Kitty, youíre not dying, take my word for it. Thereís nothing the matter with you. You're simply going through the change."
Dr Myers has been looking after one of his patients, 80-year-old Freda, for most of her life. But he retires and passes all his patients over to the newly qualified Dr Faith who has just joined the practice. One of the first things Dr Faith does is to ask to see Freda and she should bring with her a list of all the medicines that have been prescribed for her. Eventually, Freda has her appointment.
As Dr Faith is looking through Fredaís list, he is totally shocked to see that she has a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs Cohen," he says, "do you realise that these are birth control pills?"
"Yes doctor," replies Freda, "they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs Cohen," says Dr Faith, "I can assure you that there is absolutely nothing in birth control pills that could possibly help you sleep better at night."
When she hears this, Freda reaches over to Dr Faith, lovingly pats him on his knee and says, "Yes, doctor, I know this, but every morning I get up very early, grind up one of the pills and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter Suzy drinks when she awakes. Believe me doctor, this helps me sleep at night."
(#1483) The appointment
Harry has a Ďmalfunction problemí and makes an appointment to see a consultant urologist in Harley Street. When Harry arrives, he notices that the waiting room is already filled with patients. As he walks over to the receptionist to check in, he canít help noticing that she is a very large and unfriendly looking woman who looks just like a Sumo wrestler. He says to her, "My name is Harry and Iíve got an appointment with Dr Bard."
The receptionist replies in a very loud voice that everyone can hear, "Yes, Harry, your name is on my list. You want to see the doctor about impotence. Is that correct?"
All the patients in the waiting room turn to look at Harry, who is by now very embarrassed. However, he quickly gathers himself together and in an equally loud voice replies, "No, youíre wrong. I've come to inquire about the possibility of a sex change operation, but now Iíve seen you, I don't want the same doctor that did yours."
Q: In Jewish doctrine, when does a foetus become human?
A: When it wins a place in medical school
Hyman and Sadie, an elderly couple, go for their annual medical. Hyman goes in first and after examining him, doctor Cohen says, "You appear to be in good health, Hyman. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss?"
"Yes I do," says Hyman. "After I have sex with mine Sadie, Iím usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have sex with her the second time, Iím usually cold and chilly."
"Thatís odd," says doctor Cohen, "Iíll ask Sadie about it when I check her out."
Soon it was Sadieís turn. After examining her, doctor Cohen says, "Everything appears to be fine, Sadie. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"No doctor," she replies.
Doctor Cohen then says, "Hyman has an unusual problem. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time and then cold and chilly after the second time. Can you think of why this might be?"
"Oh that stupid shmuck of a husband of mine," Sadie replies, "it's because we have sex only twice a year - once in the summer and once in the winter."
(#441) The invention
Did you hear about the Israeli doctor who has invented a pill that is a combination of a tranquilliser and Viagra. Soon after you take it, you get an urge to make love to a woman - but if you canít find one, you just donít care.
(#443) A visit
to the doctor - 1
Moishe had been married 4 times. He was now approaching 80 years old and went to see his doctor. When he was shown in to see the doctor, he said, ďDoctor, I have to let you know that I am soon to get married for a fifth time Ė to an 18 year old girl.Ē
His doctor replied, ďThis could be fatal, you know.Ē
Moishe replied, ďWell, if she dies, then she dies.Ē
(#444) A visit
to the doctor Ė 2
Two weeks later, Moishe again visits his doctor. ďDoctor, I think Iím going impotent.Ē
His doctor says, ďOh, and when did you first notice this?Ē
Moishe replies, ďLast night and again this morning.Ē
(#1496) A doctorís
Ruth's baby boy is born with only one eyelid. "Oy veh! What am I going to do?" she says to her doctor.
"Don't worry," he replies, "after the bris, we will take the little bit of skin from down there and make him a nice new eyelid."
"But if you do that," says Ruth, "wonít it will make him cockeyed?"
"On the contrary," says the doctor, "it will give him good foresight."
The doctor gave me six months to live. I couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave me another six months.
The Doctor called
Mrs Cohen, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back."
Mrs Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live
to be 60."
Patient: "But I am 60." Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor puts his
stethoscope to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doctor, how do I stand?"
The doctor replies, "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have
a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Moshe returns to Israel following a trip to China and is feeling very ill. When his doctor examines him, Moshe is rushed to hospital for tests and then placed in a private room in the isolation ward to await the results. Moshe has been there no more than a few hours when the phone by Mosheís bed rings.
"This is your doctor speaking," says the voice on the phone, "I now have the results of your tests and I'm sorry to have to tell you that you have an extremely contagious disease known as GABS. I can't see you in person Ė in fact no one can. Thatís why Iím using the phone."
"GABS?" gasps Moshe, "What is that. What does it mean?"
"Well," says his doctor, GABS is a disease combining Gonorrhoea, AIDS, Bird Flu and Syphilis It can be deadly if not treated quickly."
"Oy veh, doctor," screams Moshe, "how are you going to treat me?"
"Well, we're going to keep you in isolation and put you on a strict diet of slices of worsht, fried egg, matzo and kichels." says the doctor.
"Will they cure me?" asks Moshe.
"Not really," replies the doctor, "but those are the only foods we can slide under the door."
(#1511) What are
Ruth has just been to see her doctor for the first time in years and returns home with a little plastic beaker. When her husband Henry sees the beaker, he asks Ruth, "So nu, darling, whatís the beaker for?"
"Doctor Myers wants me to bring him a specimen in it."
"So provide him with one already," says Henry.
"Well I would if I could," says Ruth, "but whatís a specimen, darling?"
"How the hell should I know," replies Henry, "we havenít seen a medical person for years. Why donít you ask your friend Rifka - sheís always going to see her doctor."
So Ruth goes out to talk to Rifka. She returns 30 minutes later. Her dress is torn and she has two black eyes and a cut lip.
"What on earth has happened to you," Henry asks.
"You wouldnít believe it," she replies, "When I asked Rifka what a specimen was, she said, Ďgo pee in a bottle.í So I told her to Ďgay kakken af en yamí and thatís when the fight started.
gay kakken af en yam: go sh*t in the sea
(#1514) A doctorís
Yossi goes to see doctor Levene and says, "Doctor, Iím suffering a terrible pains in the left shoulder."
Doctor Levene replies, "Nu, so what do you think? You're going to enjoy them?"
(#1381) Long lasting
Sadie is 80 years old and is under the care of Doctor Myers. One day, she phones Doctor Myers and says, "Is it true, doctor, the medicine youíve just prescribed for me must be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes Sadie, I'm afraid it is," replies Doctor Myers.
Sadie thought for a while then continued, "Well then, doctor, Iím wondering just how serious is my condition."
"Why do you ask?" says Doctor Myers.
Sadie replies, "Because on the prescription it says, ĎNO REPEAT PRESCRIPTIONSí."
(#795) Yet another
Hyman recently had a full medical check up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were complete, his doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
Hyman was obviously a little concerned about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be 80, doctor?"
He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink beer?"
"Oh no", Hyman replied, "I've never done either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled steaks or barbequed ribs?
Hyman replied, "No, I've heard that red meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" asked the doctor.
"No I don't," Hyman replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or mess with women?"
"No," said Hyman, "I've done none of those things."
The doctor looked at Hyman and said, "Then why do you want to live to be 80?"
(#814) Visit to
Sadie is in a bad way and goes to see her doctor. ďDoctor Myers, whatís wrong with me? Just look at the state of my face. When I woke up this morning, I glanced in the mirror and nearly fainted at what I saw. My hair has gone grey and wiry and is starting to fall out, my lovely skin has become pasty looking and horribly wrinkled and both my eyes are bloodshot and bulging from their sockets. I look like someone who has just died. What on earth is wrong with me?Ē
Doctor Myers gives Sadie a quick examination, looks her in the eyes and says to her, ďWell, I can say one thing Iíve discovered, thereís nothing wrong with your eyesight!Ē
(#1025) The doctorís
Morris the Edgware tailor is worried because his wife Hetty is very ill and needs a good doctor. Everyone knows that Dr Myers is the best doctor in Edgware, so Morris rings him to say that he would like him to treat Hetty.
Dr Myers says, ďOK, but can you afford me? What if Iím unable to save Hetty and you decide not to pay my bills?Ē
Morris replies, ďI promise to pay you anything, no matter whether you cure Hetty or kill her.Ē
So Dr Myers agrees to treat Hetty. Unfortunately, Hetty dies soon after. When Dr Myers invoice arrives, Morris refuses to pay, despite his promise. After much arguing, they agree to take the issue to their Rabbi for a decision.
Dr Myers puts his side of the story to the Rabbi. ďHe promised to pay me, Ďno matter whether I cured his wife or killed her.íĒ
After a few minutes deliberation, the Rabbi says, ďSo did you cure her?Ē
Dr Myers has to reply, ďNo.Ē
The Rabbi then asks, ďSo did you kill her?Ē
ďNo, I certainly did not,Ē replied Dr Myers.
ďIn that case,Ē says the Rabbi, ďMorris owes you nothing Ė you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you agreed that your fee should be paid.Ē
the family together
Ethel goes to see Doctor Myers and tells him that she is feeling constantly tired and exhausted, especially after making love.
"So how often do you make love, Ethel?" asks Doctor Myers.
"I make love every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, doctor," she answers.
"Well," says Doctor Myers, "maybe you should cut out Wednesdays?"
"No, thatís not really a good idea," says Ethel, "thatís the only night Iím home with mine Arnold."
(#1227) The cure
Faye goes to her doctorsí surgery and is seen by Dr Myers, a new young doctor who has just joined the practice. Within five minutes of talking to the doctor, Faye bursts out of his consulting room and runs crying out loudly down the hall. Fortunately, the receptionist is able to stop her and makes her take a seat. When Faye has calmed down, the receptionist asks, "Faye, whatís the matter? Tell me whatís happened."
After listening to her story, the receptionist says, "Wait her, Faye, Iíll sort this out for you here and now."
The receptionist strides purposely down the hall to Dr Myers room and enters. "Doctor, what's the matter with you? Mrs Cohen is nearly 60years old and has two grown up children and four grandchildren. Yet you just told her that sheís pregnant? How could you do such a thing?"
Dr Myers replies, without looking up from making his notes, "Nu? Does she still have the hiccups?"
(#1653) The trouble
Simon has a problem. In fact heís had a problem for so long that itís beginning to worry him to death. Finally, he decides he has to do something about it and goes to see Dr Bloom, his local psychiatrist.
"Oy, doctor, have I got a problem," says Simon. "Every night, when I get into my bed, I think there's a crazy person under it ready to do me some serious harm. I'm going meshugga with fear. Please help me."
"Donít worry, Simon," says Dr Bloom, "I can cure you of your fears, but it will not happen overnight."
"So how long will it take, doctor?" asks Simon.
"Well," replies Dr Bloom, thinking, "come to me twice a week for 3 months and Iíll rid you of your phobia."
"And how much do you charge a session, doctor?" asks Simon.
ďMy charges are £100 per session," replies Dr Bloom.
"But that will cost me £2,600 in total," says Simon. "Iím going to have to think about it and let you know. I canít easily afford that kind of money."
Many months later, Simon meets Dr Bloom in Waitrose supermarket. "So why didn't you decide to let me cure you of your fears?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Well," replies Simon, "As I told you then, your fees were really too high for me. And then my rabbi gave me the cure for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went on a weekís holiday to Tel Aviv."
"So how, may I ask, did your rabbi cure you?" asks Dr Bloom.
"Easy," replies Simon, "he told me to cut the legs off my bed. Itís now so low that nobody can possible get under it."
(#1357) The alternative
Sharon is very despondent about her aging looks and makes an appointment to see a plastic surgeon. After he examines her, he recommends she undergo a full face lift.
"Doctor," she says, "what will the operation to give me a full face lift cost?"
"For you," says the doctor, I would estimate £25,000."
"Oy veh, thatís far too much, doctor," she says. "Isnít there something less expensive?"
"Well," replies the doctor, "you could try wearing a veil."
70 year old Sidney opens his eyes and sees a lovely lady in white staring at him. "Where am I?" he says.
"Youíre in the Middlesex hospital, Mr Green," she replies. "You had a nasty car crash 4 days ago and youíve been unconscious ever since you were brought in. But donít worry about anything Ė youíre in a great hospital and weíve got the best doctor looking after you."
"4 days, eh?" says Sidney, "itís no wonder Iím so hungry. So bring me a hot salt beef sandwich on rye with mustard and a new green cucumber and some latkes on the side."
"Iím sorry, your doctor has instructed me not to feed you with any solids," says the nurse. "Youíre being fed rectally. Do you see that large tube down there? If you follow it, youíll find it is stuck up your back passage."
"Well then," says Sidney, "If this really is the best hospital with the best equipment, please bring me two more tubes tomorrow. Then I would very much like to invite you and my doctor to join me for lunch."
(#1627) The medical
Dr. Minky, a psychiatrist and Dr. Lau, a proctologist, open a medical practice in Hendon. But they have great difficulty in getting the local council to agree to the wording on the sign they want to put up outside their office. These are the signs they try, but which are not accepted by the council.
"Hysterias and Posteriors"
"Schizoids and Haemorrhoids"
"Catatonics and High Colonics"
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"
"Minds and Behinds"
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally come up with a sign which the council approves. It reads, "Dr. Minky and Dr. Lau, Odds and Ends."
(#1646) The doctorsí
Itís 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Minkofskyís house. "Itís Dr. Gold," says his wife, passing him the phone, "I do hope itís not another emergency."
Dr. Minkofsky takes the phone and says, "Hi, whatís up?"
"Donít worry, everythingís OK," replies Dr. Gold. "Itís just that Iím at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. Weíre having a little game of poker and weíre short of one hand so we thought you might like to come over and join us?"
"Sure .... yes, of course," replies Dr. Minkofsky, putting on a serious voice, "Iím leaving right now." And he puts down the phone.
"Whatís happened?" his wife asks, with a worried look.
"Itís very serious," Dr. Minkofsky replies. "Theyíve already called three doctors."
(#715) Itís too
Moishe is 75 years old and goes for a medical. After the examination, his doctor says to him, "You're in remarkable shape for a man of your age."
"I know it," said Moishe, "but I've got a problem. My sex drive is too high. Have you got anything you can give me for it?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?" he gasped.
"My sex drive," repeated Moishe, "is too high and I'd like you to lower it."
"Lower it?" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what his 75 year old patient was saying. "Just what do you consider high?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, doctor," replies Moishe, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."
wrong with me?
Esther makes an emergency appointment to see her doctor.
ďDoctor,Ē says Esther, ďjust look at the mess Iím in. When I awoke this morning, I looked in the mirror and was shocked to see my hair all wiry, my skin wrinkled and blotchy, my eyes bloodshot and bulging out of their sockets and my face so white that I looked like a corpse. What on earth is wrong with me, doctor?Ē
The doctor looks at her and calmly says, ďWell, for a start, thereís certainly nothing wrong with your eyesightÖĒ
Q: What is the definition of a psychiatrist?
A: A Jew who wanted to be a doctor, to make their mother happy, but faints at the sight of blood
(#389) A visit
to the doctor
Yenta went to see her doctor. "Doctor, I need your help," she said, " I just canít help talking to myself."
"Do you suffer any pain?" asked her doctor.
"In that case," said the doctor, "go home and don't worry. Millions of people talk to themselves...Itís nothing to worry about."
"But doctor," cried Yenta, " you don't know what a boring person I am!"
(#1800) Her prayer
is answered Ö. sort of
One shabbes, Rabbi Bloom finishes his sermon by asking his congregation whether anyone would like to express thanks to God for a recent event. Leah immediately stands up and announces, "I would like you all to know that I feel immense gratitude for the way Hashem recently answered my prayers."
"OK Leah," says Rabbi Bloom, "please do tell us about it."
"Some of you might have noticed that my husband Benny and I have not been coming to shul recently. Two months ago, Benny had a terrible accident. A car ran straight into him as he was crossing the road and his scrotum was completely crushed. For days and days, the pain he was experiencing was so terrible that he sometimes cried out for help. But his doctors didn't at first know how to help him."
There were gasps from the men in the shul as they thought of Bennyís pain.
"Benny couldnít even hold our children," continues Leah, "because every move he made caused him yet more pain. But then, out of the blue, doctor Minky decided to try out a new type of operation on Benny that had been pioneered in Israel. That was when I prayed to God to help the operation to succeed. I prayed the night before the operation and I prayed the next morning as doctor Minky performed his delicate operation on Benny. Fortunately, he managed to join together the crushed pieces of Bennyís scrotum and then wrap a thin plastic sheet around them to hold everything in place."
Again, there were gasps from the men in the shul as they visualised what Benny must have gone through.
"Benny is now out of hospital," continues Leah, "and his prognosis is good. Doctor Minky says that over the next 12 months, Bennyís scrotum should recover completely."
All the men in the shul sigh with relief. Rabbi Bloom then thanks Leah for her uplifting story and asks his congregation whether anyone wants to comment on what they have just heard. A man rises from his seat and introduces himself. "For those who donít know me, I'm doctor Minky."
After the clapping dies down, doctor Minky says, "And I would like to tell Leah and all of you here today that the word is Ďsternumí not Ďscrotum.í"
visit to the doctor
(My thanks to Danny S for the following joke)
Benjy goes to see his doctor because he isn't feeling too well. After examining him, the doctor takes some samples from Benjy and asks him to come back the following week for the results.
When Benjy returns, his doctor tells him, "I have some good news and some bad news for you, Benjy. What do you want to hear first?"
Benjy replies, "Let me have the good news first."
"OK," says the doctor, "they're going to name the disease after you."
(#649) The fishermen
Issy had read that fishing was a therapeutic pastime. So he buys the necessary equipment and goes to his local lake. But as it's his first time, he has no idea what bait to use. He looks around and sees 3 men casting their lines. Almost immediately, they began to catch an awful lot of fish. So Issy goes up to them.
"Excuse me," he asks the first man, "What bait are you using?"
"Well, I'm a doctor and I use tonsils," he replies. "You really can't beat them Ė the fish here love tonsils."
Well Issy hasnít bought any tonsils with him, so he goes to the second fisherman.
"Excuse me," he asks, "What bait are you using?"
"I'm also a doctor and I have a great deal of success using bits of appendix."
Issy then turns to the third fisherman and canít help but notice that he too is very successful at catching fish.
"Let me guess," Issy says to him. "You're also a doctor."
"Actually Iím not," came the reply. "I'm a mohel."
(#1256) A fall
off in performance
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes to see her doctor. "Doctor," she says, "I really believe the romance is going out of my marriage."
"Why do you say that, Sadie?" asks the doctor.
"Because mine Moshe is not (if you excuse me) performing very well in bed these days."
"Sadie," he asks, "how old are you?"
"Iím 80, doctor," she replies.
"And how old is your Moshe, Sadie?" asks the doctor.
"Kin-a-hora, heís a healthy 88 years old," she replies.
"Well, Sadie," says the doctor, "I donít think you need worry. Sexual performance always begins to drop off in men of advanced years. Itís normal. But tell me, when did you first notice Mosheís failing performance?"
Sadie replies, "I noticed it twice last night, doctor and once again this morning."
Monty is out on one of his favourite walks Ė the one through Hampstead Heath, when all of a sudden he gets a strong pain in his stomach and has a desperate need to go to the toilet. As he canít wait, he goes deep into some thick bushes so no one can see him, lowers his trousers and pants and squats down. Naturally, Monty has not brought any toilet paper with him, so (you should excuse him) he wipes himself with some leaves from a nearby bush, gets dressed and continues on his walk.
But after 5 minutes, his toches starts to itch and after 10 minutes, the itch is almost unbearable. Monty cuts short his walk and goes straight to his doctor. After a brief examination, doctor Myers says, "Monty, I believe youíve wiped yourself with some poison ivy."
"Oy veh," cries Monty, "what can I do? The itching is driving me crazy."
"Don't worry," replies doctor Myers, "hereís some powder developed just for this purpose. Go home right away, put one teaspoon of powder in a gallon of warm water and soak your toches in it for 20-30 minutes. If you repeat this every three hours, it will take away the itching."
So Monty goes home, puts a teaspoon of the powder into a large pot he finds in the bottom kitchen cupboard, fills it with warm water, puts the pot down in the middle of the kitchen floor, takes off all his clothes and sits in the pot. What bliss!
But then his Sarah comes home. She enters the kitchen, sees him sitting naked in her new pot in the middle of her kitchen floor and shouts out, "Monty, bist meshugga?"
Monty replies, "Vos tist du?" and tries to tell her about his walk in the woods, his need to go to the toilet, the poison ivy, the doctor and the powder.
But Sarah screams, "Nem aroyse dien flayshedika toches fun der milchedika tepple."
(#1273) A Jewish
May you become world famous - in medical records.
(#1095) Up in
Sadie goes to see her psychiatrist, doctor Myers, to get help on an issue concerning her sexual relationship with her husband Abe.
Doctor Myers explains, "OK, but I can only help you if you are open and honest with me. Is that agreed?"
"Yes," says Sadie.
But after just 15 minutes, doctor Myers has to tell her, "Weíre getting nowhere, Sadie. Youíre too secretive. Iíll try just once more Ė please reply quickly to the questions Iím going to ask you or I wonít be able to help."
"OK." says Sadie.
"Have you ever looked directly into Abeís face while you were making love?" asks doctor Myers.
"Yes," replies Sadie.
"Weíre making progress at last," says doctor Myers, "So tell me, Sadie, when you looked directly into Abeís face while you were making love, did you see any emotion there?"
"Yes," replies Sadie, "I saw great anger on his face."
"Excellent," continues doctor Myers, "weíre nearly there. So when you looked directly into Abeís face while you were making love and saw great anger, could you please explain to me exactly what Abe was doing at the time?"
Sadie replies, "He was up a ladder looking at me through the bedroom window."
(#782) The painless
The time had arrived for Moshe to take his Leah to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the motherís labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, Moshe felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. Moshe was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
Leah and Moshe were ecstatic. When they got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.
(#788) A new diet
Issy is on another of his weight reduction diets and goes to see his doctor with a hamishe cucumber up his nose, a bagel shoved in his right ear and a wine glass sticking out of his left ear.
Issy says, "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well."
The doctor replied, "Itís no wonder - you're not eating right."
(#794) Two by
Jacob says to his doctor, "Doctor, my wife needs an appendix operation."
His doctor says, "But I took out your wifeís appendix only a year ago. Iíve never heard of a second appendix?"
Jacob replies, "Maybe doctor, but have you ever heard of a second wife?"
Moshe and his friends Abe, Max and Nathan meet at Brent Cross shopping centre for a coffee - as they do every Monday. They sit down and Moshe starts to discuss the importance of regular medical check-ups. He asks his friends, "So when did you all last have a medical?" All reply it was years ago. So Moshe tells them of doctor Myers, a wonderful doctor he went to and who gave him the best examination heís ever had. He suggests they each contact doctor Myers and book a check-up ASAP. They agree to do so and take down the doctorís phone number.
The following Monday, Moshe asks his friends, "Nu, how went the medicals?"
"After my check-up," says Abe, "doctor Myers asked me how old I was. I said I was seventy and he said I could expect to live another 30 years. I was so relieved and happy to hear that."
"After my check-up," says Max, "doctor Myers also asked me how old I was. When I said I was eighty he said I could expect to live another 20 years. You canít believe how fantastic it was for an eighty-year old to hear that."
Nathan is looking very sad and doesnít say anything at first. But Moshe eventually persuades him to discuss how his medical went. "Being older than all of you," says Nathan, "I have been loathe to see a doctor. But when Moshe told us of doctor Myers, I reluctantly booked to see him. After my check-up, the doctor asked me how old I was. When I said I was ninety, he looked at me and said, ĎThanks for coming. Have a nice day.í"
Itís the funeral of Moshe the cardiologist and Avrahom and Hymie are there to pay their last respects. Behind Mosheís coffin stands a huge red heart covered in hundreds of flowers. Following the eulogy, the heart suddenly opens, the coffin moves slowly inside and the heart shuts, enclosing Moshe inside the beautiful heart forever. Avrahom immediately bursts out laughing.
"Whatís so funny?" asks one of the congregation.
"I'm sorry," replies Avrahom, "but I canít help thinking of my own funeral - I'm a gynaecologist."
Hymie, the proctologist, then faints.
(#1177) Sign over
a gynaecologistís office
"Dr. Levy, at your cervix."
(#1182) The results
Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel aside and says, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"I donít either, doctor," says Lionel, "but she's really very good with the children and sheís a great cook."
(#1138) The 3
Issy leaves school and decides to open a small grocery store in Hendon. Heís good to his customers and the store does well. Soon he meets a beautiful girl and within months they are married. A year later a boy arrives. Issy calls Dr Myers, a mohel, who performs the Bris and charges Issy £50.
Over the next 12 months, his business begins to take off and Issy opens a large supermarket in Hampstead. It too does well and they buy a nice house near their business. Then a second boy arrives and once again Issy calls Dr Myers who performs the Bris and who this time charges him £250.
Over the next two years, Issy opens more supermarkets and even moves into the catering business. They move home again, this time to a large 8-bedroom house in Knightsbridge. Then, once again, his wife presents him with a son and once again Issy requests the services of Dr Myers who performs the Bris. This time, Dr Myers charges Issy £1,000.
As Issy hands over the cheque, he says to Dr Myers, "Over the time weíve been using you, your charges have increased by far more than inflation. Why should this be so? Is it because Iím wealthy?"
Dr Myers replies, "No, absolutely not. My £50 charge was for a Bris, my £250 charge was for a ritual circumcision and my £1,000 charge was for an extra special shmuckelotomy."
(#1152) The results
Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel aside and says, "I don't like the look of your wife at all."
"I donít either, doctor," says Lionel, "but she's really very good with the children and sheís a great cook."
(#1517) Her yearly
Leah goes to Dr Myers for her yearly examination. He begins by putting her on the scales. "How much do you think you weigh, Leah?" he asks.
"8 stone 5 pounds," Leah replies.
But Dr Myers tells her that her weight is actually 9 stone 3 pounds.
Dr Myers then asks, "How tall are you, Leah?"
"Iím 5 foot 9," Leah replies.
But when he measures her, it turns out that she is only 5 foot 6."
Dr Myers then takes her blood pressure. "Your blood pressure is very high, Leah," he says.
"Itís no wonder," Leah shouts at him. "When I came in here I was tall and slender. Now I'm short and fat."
Isaac is one of the worldís great hypochondriacs. One day he goes to see doctor Myers and says, with a worried look on his face, "Doctor, you must help me."
"How can I do that, Isaac?" asks doctor Myers calmly.
"Do you remember those voices in my head Iíve been complaining about?" says Isaac.
"Yes of course," replies doctor Myers.
"Well," says Isaac, "they've suddenly gone away."
"So what's the problem then?" asks doctor Myers.
"I think I'm going deaf," replies Isaac
(#1775) My son
Leah meets her old friend Naomi and they start talking about their families. "So howís your son getting on?" Leah asks.
"Oy," replies Naomi, kvelling, "what naches my Sheldon gives me. Heís now a qualified doctor and has just opened an office in the City. His patients all work for the top banks, brokers, insurance companies, etc. Sheldon is a very good doctor, Leah, you should go see him for a check up."
"Listen, Naomi," replies Leah, "Iím in perfect health, so who needs a check up?"
"I wouldnít be too confident about that, Leah," says Naomi. "If you go see my Sheldon, I promise you Leah, he will find something."
(#1851) The motor
Itís morning in Tel Aviv and inside THE KOSHER MOTOR garage, Jeremy Landau, one of the Cityís brightest mechanics, has started to repair the engine of an old Ford. As he removes the Fordís cylinder head, he notices Dr David Freud, a respected cardiologist, arriving to pick up his Mercedes which Jeremy has just finished servicing.
Jeremy calls over to Dr Freud, "Could you come over here please doctor, Iíd like to show you something."
Dr Freud walks over. "So nu, Jeremy," he says, "whatís this thing thatís so important?"
Pointing to the Ford and with a mischievous smile on his face, Jeremy replies, "I have a question for you. Just look at this engine, doctor. Iíve just opened up its heart. I will then carefully remove its valves and when Iíve done this, I will look for any existing damage. When I find it, which I always do, I will carefully repair it and put everything back together again and it will then work like new. So, doctor, my question to you is this: even though you and I are basically doing the same kind of work, how come Iím on a salary of just under 160,000 shekels a year whereas you probably take home around 1 million shekels a year?"
Dr Freud thinks about this for a few seconds, then smiles and replies, "The difference is, Jeremy Ö. try doing your work with the engine running."
late than never?
Monty is 40 years old but was never circumcised. So one day he decides to have that operation. His decision making process went along the lines of, "Itís better late than never Ė and after all, Iíve always wanted to be a 100% Jew."
Two weeks later, he is operated on in a private hospital by doctor Myers. As soon as his surgery is over, Monty is wheeled back to his private ward. As he is recovering from the surgery, one of the nurses asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK, thank you - at least I think I am," replies Monty. "I just didn't like what doctor Myers cried out towards the end of my operation."
"So what did he cry out?" asks the nurse.
"Oy gevalt! Zol Got mir helfen."
zol Got mir helfen: May God help me
Henry goes to the doctor's surgery to collect his wife Sarahís test results.
The receptionist tells him, "I'm sorry, but there has been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife's samples to the lab, they got mixed up with samples from another Mrs Cohen and we don't know which one is your wife's. The bottom line is that the situation is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" says Henry.
"Well," says the receptionist, "one Mrs Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is which."
"That's terrible," says Henry, "can you do the test again?"
"Normally, yes. But your private medical insurance policy won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" says Henry.
The receptionist replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of Oxford Street. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
(#1752) The invoice
Lionel has been seeing Dr Myers, his psychiatrist, for some weeks now for his schizophrenia and eventually receives an invoice for the first monthís treatment. But when he reads it, he is shocked Ė itís for £1,000. He immediately phones Dr Myers.
"Doctor," Lionel says, "Iíve just got your bill for £1,000. I thought you told me your charge is £500 per month."
"But my dear Lionel," replies Dr Myers, "it is £500 per month Ö.. but for each, donít forget."
Benny has been suffering with his hearing for many years and at last decides to see a doctor. After examining Benny, the doctor tells him, "Iím surprised youíve put up with this problem for so long. All you need is a hearing aid."
Within days, Benny is fitted with a state-of-the-art hearing aid and is asked to return in 4 weeks time for a check up.
Benny returns to the doctor a month later and after another examination, the doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect, almost 100%. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
Benny replies, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. As a result, I've changed my Will three times already."
(#497) A riddle
Q: Why are many Jewish girls still single these days?
A: They have not yet met Dr. Right.
(#498) An end
to the medical profession?
Hette was talking to her best friend Freda. "You know, Freda," said Hette, "Being a doctor these days isn't as great as it used to be. There are now many kinds of scientist around with much more prestige than doctors. It therefore follows that in future, many Jewish boys are going to become scientists instead of doctors."
"I canít agree with you at all on this one," replied Freda.
"Why on earth not?" said Hette.
"Because, my dear Hette," replied Freda, "it's much more difficult to say, 'My son, the nuclear physicist.'"
(#510) Match that
Moishe Cohen was 82 years old and had made an appointment with Doctor Michaels who was very well known for his work in curing impotence. Doctor Michaels examined Moishe carefully and then said to him, "Mr Cohen, Iíve examined every part of you and I can honestly say that you're in excellent condition for a man of your age. So tell me, why are you really here?"
Moishe replied, "My friend Bernie has told me he makes love to his wife 5 times a week, and I canít do that, Doctor."
Doctor Michaels smiled and said, "Yes you can. You can also say you make love as many times a week as you like."
(#512) The cure
Moishe went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold that wouldnít clear up. His doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit, the doctor gave Moishe an injection, but that didn't do any good, either.
On his third visit, the doctor told Moishe to go home and take a hot bath. Then, as soon as he got out the bath, he must open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doctor," protested Moishe, "I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
(#1676) A good
Isaac is 80 years old and goes to see doctor Myers for a full health check. After completing his tests, doctor Myers says to Isaac, "Well, for someone your age, everything seems very normal to me. But Iíd like to ask you just one more question, Isaac. How is your sex life?"
"Well," replies Isaac, "itís not really too bad, doctor. My wife isnít really interested in sex any more, so I just drive around the streets of London once or twice a week. Iím really quite successful at finding one-night stands. For example, last week I picked up and made love to two young women."
"Oy, and at your age too," says doctor Myers. "I do hope Isaac that you took some precautions."
"Oh yes, doctor," replies Isaac, "I may be old, but Iím not senile yet. I gave both of them a phoney name."
(#318) The check-up
Rivkah went to her doctor for a check up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel'"
(#328) The daughter
Rifka and Beckie are talking about their children. Rifka asks Beckie how her daughter is.
Beckie says, "Not too good. My daughter just divorced her husband. He was a doctor."
Rifka replies "Oh, I am so sorry to hear that."
Beckie continues, "Yes, it is sad. Her first husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she is OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer."
Rifka replies, "A dentist, a doctor and a lawyer. Oy Vey! All this naches (good fortune) from just one daughter!
(#331) A quicky
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac.
(#291) The examination
Doctor Jacobs finished his examination and informed Herman that he was in perfect health. "But what about my headaches?" Herman moaned.
"I'm not at all worried about your headaches," Dr. Jacobs replied.
"If you had my headaches, doctor, I wouldn't worry about them either," said Herman.
"You're in great shape," says the doctor. "You're going to live to be 70."
"But I am 70," Issy replies.
"Nu," says the doctor, "did I lie?"
(#478) The accident
Moishe was in a terrible car accident, which mangled his "manhood" and tore it from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that he would have to go privately to have this done - such an operation was not available under the National Health. Although Moishe did not have any private medical cover, he told the doctor that it was not going to be a problem Ė it was so important, he would pay for it out of his savings.
"So how much will it cost?" asked Moishe.
"£4,500 for a small one, £7,500 for medium and £12,000 for large."
Moishe said, "Then Iíll have the large one, please."
But the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before making such an important decision and left the room to allow Moishe to call his wife on his mobile.
Moishe spent 10 minutes discussing his options with Sadie and when the doctor came back into the room, he found Moishe looking utterly dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
Moishe answered, "Sadie said she'd rather have a new kitchen."
At Hymanís recent medical check up, his doctor asked him a few questions. Hereís how Hyman answered these questions: -
Q. How do you feel?
A. How should I feel?
Q. What hurts you?
A. What doesn't hurt me?
Q. When do you feel bad?
A. When don't I feel bad?
Q. When did it start?
A. When will it end, better?
(#852) Who are
Cyril was 80 years old and was visiting his psychiatrist. "Doctor, Iím suffering from a lot of anxiety. What's going to happen to me? I'm very worried about my future."
"Cyril," said the doctor, "donít worry, I can help you. All you need do is come and see me twice a week for the next 3 months. My charges will be £100 a visit and youíll need to pay in advance, of course."
"Okay doctor," said Cyril, "now that your future is assured, what about mine?"
and evening treatment
Howard goes to see his doctor because heís been feeling very tired of late and seems to have lost his stamina. Howard takes his wife Freda with him.
After an examination, Doctor Myers says itís not too serious and gives Howard a prescription for some pills. He then tells Freda that for the next month, she should make sure that Howard not only takes one pill every morning, but also drinks a glass of red Carmel wine with his dinner every evening.
After three weeks have gone by, Freda bumps into Doctor Myers whilst out shopping. Doctor Myers immediately asks her, "So how is Howard doing with his wine and pills treatment?"
"About 50/50, I think," replies Freda. "He's about 2 weeks behind with the taking of his pills, but heís made up for this by being about 2 weeks ahead with the Carmel red wine."
(#466) The check-up
Moishe was 80 years old and his family decided he needed a full medical check-up. The doctor listened to his heart and then said, "Uh uh!"
Moishe did not like what he had heard and asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doctor, "I can quite clearly hear a serious heart murmur. Do you drink?"
"No," replied Moishe.
"Do you smoke?
"No." replied Moishe.
"Well then, do you have a sex life?"
"Well, now that you ask me, yes." said Moishe.
"Well then, Moishe, thatís the problem," said the doctor, "I'm afraid you'll have to give up half your sex life if you want your heart to last."
Moishe asked, "Which half should I give up, the looking or the thinking?"
(#896) You know
your mother is Jewish when
she goes to her doctor for every minor ailment Ė so she can show your photo to the young single doctors.
Max and Leah visit a plastic surgeon. When asked what they would like done, Max replies, ďItís her tuchus, doctor, her backside is getting so large that I can no longer get my hands around it.Ē
ďSo,Ē says the doctor, ďyou would like me to perform a tuchus reduction?Ē
ďNo, no,Ē replies Max, ďI need a hand enlargement.Ē
Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Hetty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simonís office.
15 minutes later, to everyoneís surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Hetty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he just gave me a longer walking stick."
(#248) I canít
"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," said the doctor. "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," said Herb Levy. "My wife refuses to sleep alone."
(#949) The benefit
Private Medical Insurance
Benjy is getting chest pains and goes to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor says, "There are two different opinions on how best to treat you. I'm convinced that you need a triple bypass heart operation. However, your private medical policy says all you need to do is take this £10 tube of chest ointment and rub it in twice a day."
(#547) The cure
Yenta had to call in the doctor to check her husband Lionel. He didnít seem to be at all well.
After the doctor had examined Lionel, he said to Yenta, "Your husband is very exhausted and fatigued and needs a lot of peace and quiet. If you want to help him recover, please take one tranquilliser, four times per day."
(#91) The end
Moishe had just had a medical check up. "I hate to be the one to break it to you," said the doctor, "but you've only got about 6 months to live."
"Oh my God" gasped Moishe, turning white.
A few minutes later, after the news had sunk in, Moishe said, "Doctor, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Moishe replied that he had been a bachelor his whole life.
"You might think about taking a wife," said the doctor, "after all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."
"That's a good point," said Moishe, "and with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my remaining time."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor, "marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl? Why?" asked Moishe.
"It'll seem longer."
Miriam is a mother whoís having serious problems with her young son Nathan. Sheís in such a state that her doctor recommends she see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. He then writes out a letter for her to give to the psychiatrist.
Later that week, Miriam has her first appointment with the psychiatrist. After he spends an hour talking to her, he says, "You seem to be far too upset and worried about Nathan than you ought to be. So, Miriam, Iím going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers. These are the very latest on the market. Start taking them regularly from today and Iíll see you again in a monthís time."
On her next visit, the psychiatrist asks, "So, Miriam, you look much more relaxed than the last time I saw you. Have the tranquilizers I gave you calmed you down?"
"Yes, doctor, the pills have been marvellous. I feel so carefree," replies Miriam.
"And how is Nathan behaving?" he asks.
"Who cares?" replies Miriam with a Ďshrugí of her arms.
(#675) The drawing
Moshe is having a session with his psychiatrist. Doctor Cohen draws a picture of a triangle and asks Moshe what it looks like to him.
Moshe shows some excitement and says, "It looks like a man & woman in bed."
"Hmmm," says Doctor Cohen, stroking his beard. He then draws another picture, this time of a square, and again asks Moshe what it looks like to him.
Moshe gets more excited and says again, "It looks like a man & woman in bed."
Again Doctor Cohen says "Hmmm", strokes his beard and then draws another picture, this one a circle. He asks Moshe what this looks like to him.
Moshe is agitated and replies, "It looks like a man & woman having intercourse."
Doctor Cohen says, "Young man, I think you have too much sex on your mind."
Moshe replies, "Thatís unfair Ė itís you who's drawing the dirty pictures."
(#402) A visit
to the Vet
Solly took his King Charles spaniel dog to the vet. "Doctor Cohen," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
Dr Cohen stepped back in shock, "Solly, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Oy vey, my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
(#417) A quicky
Hette had plastic surgery the other day. Her husband cut up her credit cards.
Show me a Jewish boy who didn't become a doctor and I'll show you a lawyer.
(#150) The operation
The dentist told Melvyn that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, "Do you want a local anesthetic?"
Melvyn shook his head and said, "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best--use imported."
in the Jewish Chronicle
Mr & Mrs Moshe Levy are pleased to announce the birth of their beloved son, Doctor David Levy."
(#189) You Never
Sarah comes home from her long stay in Uganda and surprises her mother Bette, who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. Bette is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing Sarah.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."
Sarah says, "Mum, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says Bette, "But how could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
Sarah brings him in and to her consternation, Bette sees a black man standing before her wearing an evil grin, a feathered cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall spear.
Bette says to Sarah, "You stupid idiot. I said RICH doctor!"
(#142) The Doctor
Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you a year to live."
(#14) The engagement.
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married. He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may have a disease called herpes.
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles."
(#17) Seder warning.
Medical experts from London have published a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped liver and choroses.
Their research shows that if they do, it can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
(#24) A riddle
Q: If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.
(#46) The accident
Maurice and Sadie were in a terrible accident in which Sadieís face was severely burned.
The doctor told Maurice that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So Maurice offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his tuchass.
Maurice and Sadie agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at Sadieís new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beautiful skin!
One day, she was alone with Maurice and she was overcome with emotion at this sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling, " he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the nachas I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
(#48) The braggers
Becky, Sadie and Hannah are bragging about their sons.
Becky says, "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in London."
Sadie says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best doctor in London."
Hannah says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job and he is gay. But he has these two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London and the other is the best doctor in London."
(#355) The check
Max Levy goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.
ďMax, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any youngerĒ, says the doctor.
ďWho asked you to make me younger?Ē says Max. ďJust make sure I get older!Ē
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records from Israeli hospitals...
in shul - 1
"So Henry, is your son Simon a good doctor?"
"Good? Heís such a lovely boy that last year, when I needed an operation and couldnít afford it, he touched up my X-rays."
(#865) My son
Abe was 75 years old and had a medical problem that needed complicated surgery. Because his son Jacob was a renowned surgeon, Abe insisted that Jacob perform the operation. On the day of his operation, as he lay on the operating table waiting for the anaesthetic, Abe asked to speak to his son.
"Yes dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, Jacob, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if God forbid something should happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
(#1798) A rate
Ruth looks up the yellow pages, finds what sheís looking for and makes a phone call. "Hello," says Ruth, "am I talking to the loony doctor?"
"If you are referring to a psychiatrist, then yes, you are talking to one. I am Mr Martin Lewis, a qualified psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist and cranial surgeon. How can I help you?"
"Iím farfufket," replies Ruth, "I have awful thoughts 24 hours a day and Iím doing things that I canít even remember doing. I think Iím going meshugga."
"I can help you," says Mr Lewis.
"As it might take some time to cure me," continues Ruth, "I need to know how much you charge and whether you can offer me a discount."
"I charge a flat fee of £250 per visit, and I donít offer discounts," replies Mr Lewis. "Everyone pays me the same."
"What? £250 per visit?" shrieks Ruth, "Do you think Iím a meshuggeneh?" and slams down the phone.
farfufket: disoriented, befuddled
(#1569) Love match
Esther meets Rebecca in Brent Cross shopping centre. They havenít seen each other for years and immediately start talking about their favourite subject Ė their children.
"So howís your lovely little boy Lawrence?" asks Esther. "Is he still giving you much naches?"
"Heís not so little anymore Ė heís nearly 20years old," replies Rebecca, "and to tell you the truth, we were broyges with him last year."
"Why, what did he do?" asks Esther.
"He hadnít been at Oxford University more than a fortnight when he rang to tell us heíd Ďcome outí," replies Rebecca.
"Oy gevalt!" says Esther, "I bet you were both farmisht."
"Well, we were at first," says Rebecca, "but then we found out heís going out with a nice Jewish doctor."
farmisht: mixed up, befuddled, confused
(#926) The examination
Sadie took her husband Bernie to see a psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Sadie to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."
"Iím not really surprised," Sadie replied, "Bernieís been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."
Sidney goes to Doctor Myers for a check-up and returns home with a thermometer. His wife Miriam asks him, "So whatís with the thermometer, darling?"
"Doctor Myers says I must put it in my rectum, but I donít know what he means," he replies.
"Well I donít know either," says Miriam, "so call him and ask."
"Isnít it a bit late to call the doctor?" asks Sidney.
"But youíve no choice," says Miriam.
So Sidney calls the doctor. When he puts the phone down, Miriam asks, "So what did he say?"
"The doctor told me to put it in my anus," replies Sidney.
They are now both farfufket as to what an anus is.
"So call him again," says Miriam.
"But itís very late already," says Sidney, "Iím sure heís going to be mad."
"Maybe, but please call him and ask him," insists Miriam.
So very reluctantly Sidney calls Doctor Myers yet again and after a very brief conversation puts down the phone.
"So what did he say this time?" asks Miriam.
"See, I told you heíd be broyges," replies Sidney, "he shouted at me and told me to shove it up my *rse."
(XXX#160) On the
beach Ė part 2
Isaac falls asleep on a beach for several hours and gets sunburned. His legs are the worst and they are already starting to blister. In agony, Isaac goes to the local hospital and is immediately admitted after being diagnosed with 2nd degree burns.
Dr Cohen tells the nurse, "This man needs continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours."
The nurse is astonished by this and says, "Dr Cohen, what good will Viagra do him?"
"It'll keep the sheets off his legs," replies Dr Cohen.
(XXX#76) In the
Morris, 86 years old, walked into a crowded doctor's surgery. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," Morris says aloud.
The receptionist was quite shocked at his reply and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded surgery and talk that way."
"Why not?" said Morris, "you asked me what was wrong and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "But you've caused some embarrassment Ė this room is full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the real problem with the doctor in private."
So Morris walked out, waited several minutes and came in again.
The receptionist smiled and said, "Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," Morris replied.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing Morris had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," Morris replied.
to a psychiatrist
Sidney goes to see his psychiatrist. As soon as he lies down on the couch, he says, ďI needed to have this appointment because Iím sure Iím gay.Ē
Doctor Myers says, ďAnd what, please tell me, makes you think youíre gay?Ē
ďWell,Ē says Sidney, ďmy father Hershel was gay and so was my grandfather.Ē
ďSo what?Ē says doctor Myers, ďthat doesnít make you gay as well. No one has proven that homosexuality is hereditary.Ē
ďWell what if I told you that my 2 younger brothers are also gay?Ē says Sidney.
ďWell that would be interesting,Ē says doctor Myers. ďIs there anyone else in your family who you think is gay?Ē
ďMy cousin and uncle are,Ē replies Sidney.
ďI must admit,Ē says doctor Myers, ďthat Iíve never come across this before. Is there anyone in your family who has sex with women?Ē
ďYes,Ē replied Sidney, ďmy sister.Ē
(XXX#82) The investigation
Sadie went to see her doctor and when he asked her about her problem, she replied that she was suffering from a discharge.
The doctor said, "OK, Undress please and go lie down on the examination table."
She did what he asked.
The doctor put on his rubber gloves and began investigating her "private parts".
After a couple of minutes, he asked Sadie, "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," replied Sadie, "but the discharge is from my ear."
(XXX#88) The prescription
Esther goes to her doctor because she hasn't been "regular" for some time. The doctor examines her, finds nothing unusual and attributes her problem to her diet. He recommends she take a laxative.
"Donít forget I keep kosher," she says, "whatever you prescribe must be kosher."
"I want you to take Serutan," says the doctor, "and don't worry, it's kosher."
"You're sure, doctor?" says Esther, "you're absolutely positive it's kosher? If it's not kosher I can't take it and I'd be very mad if I were to find out it wasn't kosher."
"Of course it's kosher. Serutan spelled backwards is NATURES and what could be more kosher than nature?" replies the doctor.
Two weeks later, Esther comes storming back. "Doctor," she shouts, "I'm so angry with you that I'm going to sue you."
"What's wrong?" the doctor asks, very concerned.
"That medicine you told me to take - it's not kosher," replies Esther.
"Of course it's kosher," replies the doctor. "It's called Serutan, and as I told you, serutan spelled backwards is natures."
"Well doctor," Esther says, "Serutan spelled backwards may be natures, but taking Serutan gave me such gas! And FART spelled backwards is TRAF."
Issy goes to his doctor to arrange a sperm count. The doctor gives Issy a small plastic tub and says, "Use this and bring me a sample tomorrow."
Next day, Issy goes back and gives the doctor an empty, pristine clean tub.
The doctor asks, "So? Why is it empty?"
Issy explains: "Well, doctor, first I tried it with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried it with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife Rifka for help. She tried it with her right hand, then with her left, but nothing. Rifka even tried with her mouth - with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still no luck. We then called in our next door neighbour and she tried it with both hands, and with her mouth too, but with no results, Iím sad to say."
The doctor was shocked. "You mean you asked your neighbour to try?"
Issy replied, "Yes, doctor, but no matter what we tried, we just couldn't open the tub"
(XXX#74) The cure
Rifka suffered from terrible headaches, so she went to a doctor in Edgware who was excellent at curing headaches. The doctor listened to her and said, ďDonít worry. Hereís what you do. When you feel a headache coming on, sit down for 5 minutes in a private place. Take deep breaths for 1 minute, massage the middle of your forehead for another minute and then finish by repeatedly saying aloud for 3 minutes, ďI haven't got a headache, I haven't got a headache, I haven't got a headache. Thatís all there is to it.Ē
Later that week, Rifka soon had to follow the doctorís advice and surprisingly, her headache went. Over the months that followed, this method always worked for her.
One morning, Rifka thought, ďIf the doctor was able to help me with my headaches, maybe he could also sort out my Moisheís impotence problems - he was not much good to me last night.Ē
She discussed her idea with Moishe and to her surprise, he agreed to see the doctor that very day.
That night, as they got into bed, Rifka said, ďLetís make love Moishe,Ē and was pleasantly surprised to hear him say, ďOK, but first Iíll need five minutes alone.Ē Moishe then disappeared into the bathroom and 5 minutes later came out, got back in bed and thenÖ. Well, Rifka couldnít believe it. Moishe was making love just like he did 25 years ago.
The same thing happened every night and Rifka couldnít believe how good Moishe now was in bed.
But she soon began to wonder what he was doing in the bathroom to overcome his problem. So one night, she told Moishe she wanted to make love. As usual, he said, ďI need my 5 minutes first, though.Ē
This time, as soon as Moishe disappeared into the bathroom, Rifka went to the door and peeked inside. There was Moishe sitting on the edge of the bath massaging his forehead and murmuring, ďIt's not my wife, itís not my wifeÖ.Ē
(XXX#44) A cry
Barry Joseph telephoned his doctor and began shouting hysterically down the line. "Help me doctor. What on earth shall I do? My 5 year old son David has just swallowed a condom."
"Donít worry, Iíll be right over."
Just as the doctor was leaving the office, the phone rang. It was Barry again. He said, "Donít worry doctor, I found another one."
Joyce was with her doctor, Dr. Ginsberg.
Suddenly, she asked him, "will you kiss me?"
"Certainly not," Dr. Ginsberg said. "We must preserve a distance in this sort of relationship."
"Well," Joyce said, "will you hold my hand?"
"Not even that," Dr. Ginsberg said. "Itís important that we keep this on a non-emotional basis."
"Will you tell me that you like me a lot?"
"Try to understand," Dr. Ginsberg told Joyce, "I canít kiss you, I canít hold your hand, I canít even tell you that I like you. Goodness me, we shouldnít even be in bed together!"
(XXX#47) Sex is
good for you
Myron, in his mid 50's, had a relatively minor heart attack, and while he was in hospital, he complained to his cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was now once-and-for-all over and done with. The cardiologist said, "Not true, Myron. Sex is a wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you can do for your recovery."
So after his discharge, Myron tells his wife what the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and said, "That's wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice."
(XXX#171) He does
as heís told
Benny goes to have his prostate checked but when he arrives at the clinic, heís surprised to be met by a very attractive young female urologist. "Donít be shocked," she says to him, "there are now quite a few of us women entering the field of Urology. Iím very good at my job, really. So just get up on my couch, take off your lower garments and relax."
Benny does as heís told.
She puts on some gloves, goes over to him and says, "Iím now going to check your prostate. Youíll notice that my procedure is a little different to what youíre probably expecting, but it wonít hurt. Please lie on your right side and raise your knees to your chest."
Benny does as heís told.
"Good," she says. "Now while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say ninety-nine."
Benny does as he is told and says, "ninety-nine."
After 30 seconds of probing, the doctor says, "OK, now turn over onto your left side, keeping your knees raised to your chest.
Benny does as heís told.
"Good," she says. "Now as before, take a deep breath and say ninety-nine while I do my checking."
Benny does as heís told and says, "ninety-nine."
After another 30 seconds of probing, the doctor says, "Very good. Now for my final check. Please turn over onto your back, keeping your knees raised. I will then check your prostate with one hand whilst holding onto your penis with the other. It will only take a few seconds. And as before, while Iím checking take a deep breath and say ninety-nine."
Benny is no shmuck. He does as heís told, and says, "One...two...three..."
you see this?
Leah goes to see doctor Levy, a Harley Street optician, for an eye test. After asking Leah some basic questions, doctor Levy holds up a chart and says, "Can you read the letters on this chart, Leah?"
"No," replies Leah.
Doctor Levy holds up another chart, this time with bigger letters. "Can you see the letters on this chart, Leah?"
Again, Leah replies, "No."
So Doctor Levy holds up yet another chart, this one has very large letters, and asks Leah, "So, Leah, you must be able to see these letters?"
But once again Leah replies, "Sorry, but I canít."
Feeling very exasperated, doctor Levy takes out his shlong in front of Leah and asks, "Can you see this, Leah?"
"Oy veh," says Leah, "that I can see very clearly."
"Well thatís your problem, then" says doctor Levy, "youíre cockeyed."
(XXX#142) A good
Just before her 70th birthday, Kitty says to her husband, "You know what Harry? I think I'll go see Dr. Besser and get myself checked over. I havenít been to see him for ages."
"Thatís a good idea, darling," says Harry.
Two days later, Kitty is telling Dr. Besser why sheís come. "I havenít had a check-up for over 25years and I think it wise to have one now," she tells him.
"I agree," he says. "Get undressed, put on this gown and go sit down on the bed over there. Then Iíll look you over."
As soon as sheís done what heís asked, Dr. Besser goes over to her, puts his hand under the gown, lifts her right breast and tells her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"Nothing wrong there," says Dr. Besser. He then lifts her left breast and again says to her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"This oneís fine too," says Dr. Besser. "Now Iíll like to check out your other vitals. Lie down on the bed and put your feet in the stirrups."
Kitty does what the doctor asked. Dr. Besser puts on a rubber glove, rubs on some KY jelly and starts to check out Kittyís private parts for any problem signs. He once again says to her, "Say 99."
This time Kitty replies, "One, two three, four ........"
(XXX#196) A nurse
Nathan meets his friend Victor at Brent Cross shopping centre and asks him, "So Victor, how did your yearly medical check go this morning? Was everything all right? Or is there yet something else you now need to reduce or eliminate from your lifestyle?"
"Now that you ask, Nathan, everything was fine, thank you," replies Victor. "But Oy, did I get upset when the nurse started lecturing me."
"Why did she do that?" asks Nathan.
"Because she said she thought it would be better for me if I could cut down on my masturbating," replies Victor.
"Well I think sheís out of order," says Nathan. "Whatís wrong with a bit of masturbation? Surely she knows that most men of our age indulge in it?"
"Yes," says Victor, "Iím sure she does. But she was trying to examine me at the time."
Laurence and Taliaís marriage is not going too well. And itís a sexual problem thatís causing the problem Ė Laurence is nearly 70 years old and not too surprisingly is having difficulty in first of all getting an adequate erection and then sustaining it. Talia is regularly unfulfilled and is a very frustrated lady.
But one day, whilst reading the Jewish Chronicle newspaper, Laurence is excited to read of a new impotence clinic that has just opened in Hendon. The JC article mentions that the clinic offers a revolutionary injection that results in an erection guaranteed to last for one hour. Laurence immediately goes to the clinic and half an hour after arriving, he has the injection. He then rushes home to Talia.
But when he gets home, Laurence starts to panic Ė he remembers that Talia is having lunch with her friend and wonít be back for some time. So he phones the clinicís doctor.
"Doctor, doctor," he cries out, "Iím in trouble. Iíve just got back home with an incredible erection and my wife is not home to enjoy it. What should I do? It wonít last until she returns home."
The doctor replies, "Well then, all I can suggest is that you go next door and use it on your neighbourís wife."
"Donít be stupid, doctor", says Laurence. "For my neighbourís wife, I don't need the injection".
Bernard thinks he has a medical problem and goes to see Doctor Myers about it. When he gets there, Bernard says, "Docta, Docta, I've got a problem. Every time I eat beets, I sh*t beets. Every time I eat carrots, I sh*t carrots and every time I eat potatoes, I sh*t potatoes. Docta, Docta, youíve got to help me. Iím so worried - vot should I do?"
Doctor Myers immediately answers, "Nu, ess' dreck."
nu, ess' dreck: so, eat sh*t
Leah has a problem with her Issy and goes to see her therapist. "Doctor, I need your help with a serious problem. Whenever my Issy and I are in bed together, he always lets out a loud scream when he climaxes."
"But thatís quite common, Leah, in fact itís completely normal. There really isnít anything I can do."
"But doctor, my problem is that it wakes me up."
Nathan and Estelle, both in their 80s, are in the middle of making love one night when Nathan suddenly collapses. Estelle immediately phones for help. Doctor Myers arrives within 10 minutes but when he examines Nathan he has to tell Estelle that her husband is dead.
"So what happened here tonight, Estelle?" asks doctor Myers.
"We were making love," replies Estelle.
"Yes, go on Estelle," says doctor Myers.
"Well," continues Estelle, "my Nathan was Ďon top,í if you know what I mean, when all of a sudden he gets a glazed look in his eyes. I naturally thought he was coming, but now I know he was going!"
(XXX#1) The trip
to the doctor
Millie accompanied her husband Maurice to the doctor's office.
After he had given Maurice a full checkup, the doctor called Millie into his office, alone. He said, "Maurice is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, wake him up gently with a long and passionate kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favourite meals, lunch and dinner and allow him to fully relax after each. Don't burden him with any chores and don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Donít argue with him, even if he criticises you or makes fun of you. Let him be as arrogant as he wants to be. Try to relax him in the evening by wearing see-through lingerie. Give him plenty of Ďfull reliefí body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he can on the TV, even if it means missing your favourite programs. And most importantly, make full and passionate love with Maurice every evening after dinner and satisfy his every whim. I suggest you also make oral love to him mid morning and mid afternoon.
If you can do all of this, every day, for the next 6 months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."
On the way home, Maurice asks Millie: "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
(XXX#17) A medical
Sadie Greenberg came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless and they have no odour. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's your prescription, Mrs. Greenberg. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a weekís time."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenberg marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."
(XXX#25) The bachelor
Maurice was very distraught at the fact that he had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. He was afraid he might have something wrong with him, so he decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Mauriceís doctor recommended that he see a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so Maurice went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Maurice did as he was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, Maurice did as he was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So Maurice did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you no haf sex or dates."
Worried, Maurice asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked Maurice in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."
(XXX#32) The headache-2
Shlomo had been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures Shlomo is referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks Shlomo what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp andÖ"
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear."
"Yes, Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well, I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. But Iím OK now. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength around my head and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
Two weeks go by and Shlomo is back.
"Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."
(XXX#35) The accident
Benjy was in an accident and unfortunately, his penis got chopped off.
Benjy was rushed to hospital where the doctor examined him. After careful consideration, the doctor said to Benjy, ďDonít worry, we can replace it with a small sized penis for £5,000, a medium sized penis for £15,000, or an extra-large sized penis for £30,000. I realise itís a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife.Ē
When the doctor came back into the room later that afternoon, he found Benjy staring sadly at the ceiling.
Benjy said, ďMy wife says sheíd rather have a new kitchen.Ē
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