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(#1059) Knowledge is a wonderful thing
Rose has filed for divorce. When she and Sam finally attend the court hearing, the judge asks her, "So what do you find wrong with your husband?"
"Well, among other things, your honour, he lies; he’s aggressive; he steals my money; and he’s poor in bed. In fact he’s a bit of a shlemazel(*)."
"Those are serious allegations," says the judge, "can you prove them?"
"Prove them?" replies Rose, "I don’t have to, your honour, everyone knows what Sam is like."
"If you knew all of this," asks the judge, "why on earth did you marry him?"
"But I didn't know it before I married him," replies Rose.
Sam then shouts out, "She did too, your honour."
(*) An unlucky person / clumsy oaf
(#1064) Reasons for divorce
Rose goes to see Max, her solicitor, and says, "I want to divorce my Harry.”
"Why do you want to do that?" Max asks, "I thought you said he was a man of rare gifts.
"He is," replies Rose, he’s never given me a present in twenty years of marriage.”
"Very funny, Rose. Is there another reason why you want a divorce?" asks Max.
"Yes there is," replies Rose, "I want a divorce because of his appearance."
"That’s an unusual reason," says Max.
"Not really," says Rose, "Harry hasn’t put in an appearance at home for four years.
(#1247) The whole divorce
Rivkah is in court finalising her divorce. As soon as she signs the final paper and realises her divorce is complete, she says out loud, "At last, now all I have to do is arrange for a Get."
The judge hears her and asks, "Mrs Gold, what do you mean by ‘Get’?"
Rivkah replies, "Well your Honor, a Get is a religious ceremony that’s required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce."
"You mean like a Brit Milah?" asks the judge.
"Yes," Rivkah relies, "it’s very similar. But in a Get, you get rid of the whole schmuck."
(#879) Why a divorce?
Issy was playing a round of golf with Sidney when suddenly, Issy announces, “I want a divorce.”
“Why on earth do you want to do that?” says Sidney. “Why do you want to divorce your lovely Hetty? She’s beautiful. And if I may say so, she seems so warm and gentle, with a great figure to got with it.”
“Look at it this way Sidney,” replies Issy, as he removes one of his shoes. “Just look at this shoe. The leather seems soft and gentle, it looks great on my foot and its shape is very modern. Don’t you agree?”
“Yes,” replies Sidney, “but I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”
“Well,” says Issy, “I’m the only one who knows the shoe is pinching my toes and it hurts terribly.”
(#838) Reason for divorce
Hymie is telling his friends about his recent divorce. "Yes, it’s true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn't have any."
Moishe and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Golders Green when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Moishe and says, "Hello Moishe."
Sadie immediately asks, "And who was that girl who just spoke to you?"
Moishe replies, "Oh her, that's my mistress."
"You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?" says Sadie.
"About ten years, on and off." answers Moishe.
"Ten years?", says Sadie. "You bastard! I'll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see."
"Now hold on Sadie," responds Moishe, "just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won't have our big house in Hampstead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won't be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …."
But before Moishe can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, "Hello, nice to see you again."
Sadie asks, "And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?"
Moishe replies, "No, that's Hyme’s mistress."
"You mean that Hyme also has a mistress?" says Sadie, surprised.
Moishe answers, "Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years."
Sadie then says, proudly, "I like ours a lot better."
(#747) The marriage secret
Jacob and Rifka had been married for 65 years. When they were asked whether, in all those years, they had ever thought of divorce, they replied, "Heavens no, murder yes, but divorce never."
(#1153) Marital problems
After being married for over 60 years, Rivkah is filing for divorce against Cyril.
At the court hearing the judge is very surprised that this seemingly nice elderly couple are experiencing marital problems. So he turns to Rivkah and asks, "Why do you want a divorce?"
"Vell," replies Rivkah, "Mine husband is now not alvays very nice to me. And lately it has become unbearable."
"So can you give me an example please? " asks the judge.
"Yes I can, " replies Rivkah, "Ve both vear dentures and many times in the last six months, vhen I’m asleep at night, he steals mine to eat garlic."
(#487) A visit to a solicitor
Even though Morris and Sadie had been married for a very, very long time, they still decided to visit a divorce lawyer in Camden Town. At the first meeting, the solicitor asks them, "Why in the world do you want to get divorced? You each look well into your nineties. Why now of all times?"
Morris replies, "Actually, I'm 102 and my wife Sadie is 101."
The solicitor is totally bemused and asks them again "So why do you want a divorce now?"
Sadie replies this time, "Well, we wanted to wait until all of the children were dead."
(#375) Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!
Q: What’s the best airline to fly if you want a divorce?
Q: What's the difference between a Bris
and a Get*?
A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck. (*A "Get" is a divorce)
(#1597) Family fortunes
Renee is talking to her friend Talya. "So Talya," she says, "you’re telling me that you want to divorce your Mervyn due to incompatibility problems?"
"Yes, you’ve got it in one," Talya replies.
"Why? Aren’t your relations any good?" asks Renee.
"Well," replies Talya, "mine are wonderful, but Melvyn’s …..Oy! what yachnas and krechtzers!"
yachna: a gossip, a busybody,
a meddling, troublemaking female
krechtzer: a complainer, someone who grunts and groans all day
(#766) From you know who
Moshe goes into his local post office to buy some stamps. As he walks up to the counter, he sees a middle-aged man methodically sticking stamps onto a pile of pink envelopes. He was also placing ‘I Love You’ heart-shaped stickers onto the envelopes. When he had finished, the man took out a bottle of French perfume and sprayed all the envelopes with it.
Moshe had to find out why, so he goes up to the man and asks.
The man replies, "I'm sending out 100 scented Valentine cards, each one signed, 'From you know who'."
"Why so many?" Moshe asks.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer and business is not so good."
(#387) The visit to the Rabbi
Hette goes to see her Rabbi and she is very, very angry. She tells him she wants to divorce her husband.
"Why, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a strong suspicion that he's not the father of our youngest child!"
(#161) We want to get divorced
91-year-old Monty and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce. Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both so miserable for so long?"
Monty replies, "We were just waiting for the children to die."
Divorced? Instead of getting married again, why not find a woman you don't like and just give her a house.
(#810) A fair result
"Mr Issy Levy," says the divorce court judge, "I have reviewed this case very carefully indeed, and as a result of the facts, I've decided to award your wife Rifka £350 a week."
"That's very fair of you, your honour," says Issy, "and every now and then, I'll try to send her some money too."
(#28) The phone call.
Morris calls his son in New York.
Morris says "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing your mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mum just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mum? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonised over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with my Edgware lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight to London. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving at Heathrow the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, they’re coming for Seder night, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here Rosh Hashanah."
(#591) The gift
Jeremy asks his wife Naomi what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new diamond bracelet?" he asks.
"Not really," says Naomi.
"Well how about a Lexus sports car?" says Jeremy.
"No," she replies.
"What about a holiday home in the south of France?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" Jeremy asks.
"I'd like a divorce, Jeremy," answers Naomi.
"Oy, I wasn't planning to spend that much!" says Jeremy.
(#86) JEWISH PERSONAL ADS
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.
(#358) Who is to blame?
Rebecca goes to see her Rabbi. He can see right away that she is angry. She immediately tells him that she wants a divorce.
"Why, what's the matter?" he asks.
Rebecca replies, "I have a strong suspicion that he's not the father of our youngest child!"
SOME NAUGHTIER JOKES
Maurice and Sadie, a young orthodox couple, are in the divorce court and the judge has come to what he thinks is a good settlement. When all appears to be agreed, the Judge asks them, "Is there anything else?"
Sadie replies, "Yes, your Honor, I also need a 'get'."
"A what?" asks the Judge.
At that point, Maurice’s solicitor explains that get was a Jewish divorce and that his client had no objection if it was to be included in the judgment.
Sadie, realizing the Judge's lack of knowledge regarding the Jewish religion, then adds, "Your Honor, do you know the difference between a get and a bris?"
"No," replies the Judge, "what is the difference?"
"With a get," Sadie explains, "you get rid of the whole shmuck."
One day, Ethel tells Benjy, “I’ve found myself another lover and I want a divorce.”
“Never,” says Benjy, “I don’t believe in divorce. But I’ll tell you what you can do. If your new man is presentable, why not bring him home to live with us?”
Ethel accepts this arrangement. Her new lover comes to live with them and soon Ethel is pregnant.
A few years later, the four of them are out walking when Benjy meets an old friend of his.
“Benjy. You’re looking very well,” says his friend, “who is that lovely lady?”
“That,” replies Benjy with pride, “is my wife.”
“And who is the young boy?”
“That’s my son Isaac,” answers Benjy.
“And who is that nice looking young man with your wife?” asks his friend.
“Ah,” replies Benjy, “that’s my schmuck.”
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