The bar / batmitzvah jokes of

A selection of jokes around the themes of bar / batmitzvah
taken randomly from the pages of for you to use for your special occasion

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All the jokes following are Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff .  They must not be copied or circulated but only used for your special occasion

I need to check that my instructions on how to get here were accurate and that everyone has managed to find their way here tonight……so if I could just check by asking, “All those not yet here, please raise your left hand”.    Thank you.

I can’t tell you how good it feels to be standing here now on this special occasion.   I’m so glad I cancelled that dental appointment to be here.

I suppose that some of you might be wandering why I called you all here today.

Before I begin, I want you all to know that dad has instructed me: -

not to be witty;
not to be humorous;
and not to be intellectual.
In fact he said, “Just be yourself.”

Not many of you know that dad’s written his memoirs. They were purchased by Waddingtons and will be released soon as a game.

Here’s another secret dad didn’t want me to tell you. He’s going to have an entry in WHO’S THROUGH - 2007

I know mum is Jewish because 13 years ago, she cried at my bris - because I wasn’t engaged already.     And yesterday, she cried at my barmitzvah  - because I wasn’t engaged already.  No doubt she’ll cry at my 21st birthday – if I’m not engaged already

My mother taught me RELIGION:  "If you don't learn Hebrew, you won't be barmitzvah’ed and, if you're not barmitzvah’ed, I'll die of embarrassment!"

Did you know that when Albert Einstein reached 13, his mother was heard to say to him, “But it’s your barmitzvah photo. Couldn’t you do something about your hair?”

Issy wanted something extra special and memorable for his son Paul’s barmitzvah. He spent weeks checking out the swankiest venues and the best caterers in London and then settled on a very plush banqueting hall and an enormously expensive caterer who promised him a great surprise on the night.
“Issy,” said the caterer, “don’t worry. It will be such a special event that everyone who attends will talk about it for years to come.”
“OK, where do I sign?” said Issy.
The night of Paul’s barmitzvah party arrived. As soon as everyone was seated, the lights dimmed and to a fanfare from Sam Bloom’s Symphony Orchestra, 12 powerful searchlights shone upwards whilst at the same time, an uncannily lifelike model of Paul slowly descended from the ceiling. But this was no ordinary sculpture. It was made entirely out of chopped liver.
From all over the hall could be heard gasps of amazement. Then the toastmaster announced that the sculpture had been created by the great Henry Moore himself. Everyone cheered.
At the end of the affair, Issy met with the caterer to settle the bill.
"This was indeed a very special night for me," Issy said, "but one thing upset me. Did you really have to get that gentile Henry Moore to make the statue? Why didn’t you get a Jew? Couldn’t you have asked, say, Epstein?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the caterer, "I did ask Epstein, but he only works in egg and onion."

Lionel is getting quite bald and his daughter Sharon’s batmitzvah is coming up. All his friends and family would be there so, well even men can be vain; he gets fitted with an expensive wig.
During the batmitzvah party, everything went well. Nevertheless, Lionel thought that everyone must have seen his wig. Next day, Sharon sees his worried look and says, "What’s the matter, Daddy? Why are you so sad?"
"I’m not really sad," he replies, "it’s just that I’m sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig."
"No they didn’t, Daddy," Sharon says, "no one I told knew."

A barmitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.

One day, Moshe is walking past the wooden fence at the side of the local Mental Care Home for Jewish People when he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Moshe is quite a curious kind of man and wonders, "Is there a barmitzvah going on inside?" So he searches for a suitable hole in the fence and then he looks in. Immediately, someone inside the fence pokes him in the eye with their finger.
Then the chanting begins again, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

Lionel is getting quite bald and his son Benjy’s barmitzvah is coming up. All his friends and family would be there so, well even men can be vain; he gets fitted with an expensive wig.
During the barmitzvah party, everything went well. Nevertheless, Lionel thought that everyone must have seen his wig. Next day, Benjy sees his worried look and says, "What’s the matter, Dad? Why are you so sad?"
"I’m not really sad," he replies, "it’s just that I’m sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig."
"No they didn’t, Dad," Benjy says, "no one I told knew."

As the catering staff are clearing up after Benjy’s barmitzvah party, they notice that one of the gold spoons is missing – and it’s the one from where Rabbi Bloom sat. So they tell the hosts, Moshe and Sadie, of the disappearance.
"Can you believe it, Sadie?" says Moshe, "But how can we call our Rabbi a gonif? We’ll just have to keep quiet about it."
12 months later, whilst out buying bagels one Sunday morning, Moshe finds himself next to his Rabbi.
"Moshe, I’m glad we’ve met," says Rabbi Bloom, "what’s the problem, why have you been avoiding me?"
Moshe replies, "Now that you ask, Rabbi, I’ve been avoiding you ever since we discovered one of our gold spoons missing from Benjy’s party."
Rabbi Bloom says, "But why didn’t you ask me about this. I put the spoon in Benjy’s tefillin bag. He obviously hasn’t opened it since his barmitzvah day."

Issy, a reform Jew, is invited to his nephew's barmitzvah. The invitation also says that they would like him to do an aliyah. Not being a regular shul goer, he learns how to do it. Everyday he practises, "barachu et hashem hamevorach... baruch hashem hamevorach leolam vaed."
On the day before the barmitzvah, he practises it one more time and when he went to sleep that night, he was confident that he knew it well.
The day of the barmitzvah arrives and soon it was his turn in the shul. He goes up and says, "barachu et hashem hamevorach."
Everyone behind him then said, "barach hashem hamevorach leolam vaed."
"SHUT UP,” he shouts, "I can do it myself!"

Rivkah wakes up one morning and utters a loud "Oy Vay." She has a nagging pain in her left shoulder. She immediately goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, her doctor says, "Do you own a full length mink coat?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one for our silver wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my shoulder has cleared, but I now have a pain in my left index finger."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a 3 or 4 carat diamond ring?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me a 4 carat ring to celebrate the barmitzvah of Moshe, our first grandson."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, my finger is OK but I'm now getting terrible headaches behind my eyes."
After examining her, he says, "Do you own a platinum and diamond tiara?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one to wear under the chuppah at our Sarah's wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for 3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says, "Well doctor, it’s a miracle. My shoulder feels great, my finger feels great and I'm not getting any further headaches. Thank you very, very much. But I have one question to ask you."
"What is it Rivkah?" asks her doctor.
"Doctor, how do you treat your non Jewish patients?"

When Louis was younger, he just hated going to barmitzvahs. All of his uncles and aunts used to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, giggle, and say to him, "You're next, Louis."
But they stopped doing that after Louis started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Avrahom is a 12year old known for his total lack of religious study, so when his barmitzvah day arrives, Rabbi Bloom is not about to let this go without comment. Avrahom performs his barmitzvah as best he can with his minimal preparation and when it comes time to receive his presents, Avrahom gets what most barmitzvah boys are given - a daily prayer book; a set of Jewish Festivals prayer books; a kiddush cup from the congregation’s ladies guild; an encyclopaedia - “The History of the Jewish People from Bible Times to the Present”; a humour book called, “The Ultimate Book of Jewish jokes”; and a bible (old testament).
Rabbi Bloom then addresses the barmitzvah boy, "My dear Avrahom. You have received today a number of treasures of Judaism in book form that will surely enrich your life and make it holy in the eyes of God. I also have a gift for you."
With that, Rabbi Bloom pulls out an umbrella from behind the lectern and says to Avrahom, "I present you with this umbrella because I want to give you something that at least I know for certain you will open."

Q: How do you know when a Jewish dog is fully mature?
A: He has a bark-mitzvah!

Do you like dad’s new suit?  He had a bit of trouble getting it, though. He was out shopping in Golders Green when he saw a sign in a window saying, ‘JACOB’S CUSTOM MADE CLOTHING’. He wasn’t sure whether to go in because it looked like an expensive shop. But Jacob, the owner, saw him hesitating and invited him in to the shop.
"What are you looking for?" he asked dad.
"A suit," dad replied.
"Good," said Jacob, "you’ve come to the right place. When we make a suit here, you’ll be surprised at how we go about it. First, digital cameras take pictures of your every muscle and we download the pictures to a special computer to build up your image. Then we cultivate sheep in Australia to get the very best cloth. For the silk lining, we contact Japan for their silkworms, and we ask Japanese deep-sea divers to get the pearl buttons.
"B-b-bbut," said dad, "I need the suit for my son’s barmitzvah."
"When is it?" asked Jacob
"Next week," replied dad.
"OK, you’ll have it tomorrow," said Jacob.

Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their son Paul's recent barmitzvah. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of life insurance (his) – an issue she has been raising with him for at least 15 years, without success.
"Issy," she says, with tears in her eyes, "I don’t think you love me."
"Why do you think that?" he asks.
"Because if you really love me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for."
"Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head."
"I know your views," says Sarah, "but I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance - and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?"
"I’ll tell you why," replies Issy, "it’s because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month and what have they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht."
"So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?" says Sarah, "You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends – who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich."

Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy always greeted each other at shul by saying, "Good Shabbos" to each other. One shabbos, Rabbi Bloom, the younger of the two, asked Rabbi Levy, "What by you is a good shabbos?"
Rabbi Levy replied, "By me, a good shabbos is when I wake up, have a good breakfast, go to shul, the barmitzvah boy does a good job and my sermon goes down well. That to me is a good shabbos. And what is a good shabbos by you?"
Rabbi Bloom replies, "By me a good shabbos is when I wake up, turn around and my wife and I make mad passionate love. Get up, shower, get dressed, have breakfast, snuggle a bit with my wife, walk to shul, do all the things you mentioned in shul, and come home. My wife and I make mad passionate love, have lunch, go out for a walk hand in hand, come home, go to bed and make mad passionate love once more. Then I make Havdalah. And that by me is a good shabbos."
"That," says Rabbi Levy, "is not a good shabbos. That is a GREAT shabbos."

Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son David's barmitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate – a barmitzvah safari.
So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.
“I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service; and I want my David to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”
The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest.  But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of 2 hours.”
Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.
“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide, “there’s another two barmitzvah safaris ahead of us.”

Abe had done very well in business and had amassed a small fortune. Now he was looking to create the most unique and spectacular barmitzvah ever for his son Sam. But what should it be? He dismissed the Barmitzvah Safari – too many families had already done it. But then, after much investigation, Abe was sure he had cracked it – he would rent a spaceship and Sam would be the first barmitzvah space boy. He started on the plans immediately.
In due course, the spaceship took off with his family and friends (and his Rabbi, of course) on board. When they returned, the media was there to find out how the journey had gone.
The first person off the shuttle was the bubbeh.
"How was the service, grandma?" asked the Jewish Chronicle reporter.
"OK," she replied.
"And how was Sam’s speech?"
"So how was the food?"
"Everything was just OK? Why aren’t you more enthusiastic? What went wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere."

My Yidishe Momma
My mother taught me MEDICINE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me HUMOUR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me RESTRAINT
"Don't eat so fast. If you don't chew, you don't digest and the doctor will have to remove your stomach."
My mother taught me the UNKNOWN
"I gave you £2 last week. Where did it go?"
My mother taught me RELIGION
"If you don't learn Hebrew, you won't be barmitzvah’ed and if you're not barmitzvah’ed I'll die of embarrassment!"

Shlomo was driving home one evening when he suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. So he drove to Brent Cross Shopping Centre and ran all the way to the toyshop.
"How much is the latest Barbie doll?" he asked the manager.
The manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the Gym' for £17.99, 'Barbie goes to the Dance' for £16.99, 'Barbie goes to the Shops' for £15.99, 'Barbie goes to the Seaside' for £18.99, and 'Barbie goes to the Batmitzvah' for £19.99. We also have 'Divorced Barbie' for £350.00".
Shlomo is confused and asked the manager, "Why does ‘Divorced Barbie’ cost £350 when all the others are less than £20?"
"It’s simple," replied the manager, "divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's barmitzvah...."


One day a newspaper reporter asked Thomas Edison when he was going to give up trying to keep his new-fangled electric light burning for more than a few hours. Edison had tested about a thousand different materials for the filament on his electric bulb, but so far, none of them had kept it lit very long. With his usual optimism Edison smiled at the reporter and said. "It's only a matter of time. After all, I now know 1,000 things that won't make it light up!"
[Son's name]. May your successes come in less than a thousand tries, and all your failures be just another means to succeed.

It has been a great pleasure to watch you grow and develop over the past years as you have begun the transition from childhood to manhood. I wish you continued happiness as you develop and mature into the person most true to your own nature.

Congratulations on this wonderful time in your life. YOU ARE A BLESSING! This is a quote that I try to live my life by, and I hope that you always remember to stay "positive" in everything that you do. If you do, then only positive things can come.

Keep your thoughts positive because your thoughts become your WORDS.
Keep your words positive because your words become your ACTIONS.
Keep your actions positive because your actions become your HABITS.
Keep your habits positive because your habits become your VALUES.
Keep your values positive because your values become your DESTINY.

[Son's name]. Not only do we see the same star, we ARE the same star. If you believe our galaxy was formed by an exploding supernova - by an exploding star – then truly we are all made of stardust - the SAME stardust! For me, one of the lessons of becoming Bar Mitzvah is beginning to understand how we are all interconnected - your family, your friends, your people. You take your place in an unbroken chain of Bar Mitzvah ritual. Becoming Bar Mitzvah helps us understand how ALL things are interconnected.
I hope you are able to appreciate the beauty, wonder and excitement of life. I hope you are able to appreciate the love of your family. And I hope you are able to appreciate accomplishing your Bar Mitzvah, finishing chanting your haftorah on Saturday, and having fun at your party!!

I wish for you 4 things.....Peace in your inner self, tolerance of others, resilience because it  can be a tough world out there, and the unconditional love of another human being.

All the above jokes are Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff .  They must not be copied or circulated but only used for your special occasion


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Copyright © 2001-2010 David Minkoff
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