BACK TO INDEX PAGE
go to next category of jokes
NOTE: This category was created on 29 July 2009
NOTE: Some 'naughtier
jokes' are shown at the end of this listing
(#) Jewish Mother riddles
Q: Why was Moses' mother so happy?
A: Because she not only had fun in bed, but she made a prophet!
Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish mothers
Q: What is the most common disease transmitted
by Jewish mothers?
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole
A: Because they never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: Why are Jewish mothers always excused
from jury service?
A: Because they all insist that they're the guilty ones.
Q: Why are there so few Jewish mothers
who are alcoholics?
A: Because alcohol dulls the pain.
Q: What did the Jewish Mother cash dispenser
say to her customer?
A: You never write, you never call and you only visit me when you need money.
Q: What did the Jewish Mother say when
her daughter told her she was having an affair?
A: So who's doing the catering, darling?
Q: What are the two most important
things a Jewish mother needs to know about sex and marriage?
A: Who is having sex? Why aren’t they married already?
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be
buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week.
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Q: What's the difference between a Jewish
mother and a vulture?
A: A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out."
Q: What is the definition of a psychiatrist?
A: A Jew who wanted to be a doctor, to make their mother happy, but faints at the sight of blood
Q: Who was it who asked a Princess
seven times to get married?
A: Her mother
Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash machine? When you take out some money, it says to you "Nu, what did you do with the last £50 I gave you?"
There are two theories on how to successfully argue with a Jewish mother. Unfortunately, neither works.
There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens at around 45.
(#1679) The latest doll
Little Emma is talking to Naomi, her best friend. "My mum has just bought me the latest Barbie doll for my birthday. It’s a Jewish mother Barbie doll."
"Oh you lucky thing," says Naomi. "So what does the doll do, Emma?"
"When you press her button," replies Emma, "it cries out, ‘Oy Vay, enough with the button already.’"
(#1668) Jewish mother’s advice
Probably the only good advice that your mother gave you was this, "So go already! You might meet somebody!"
(#681) Some quotes you might not be aware of
(#235) The Jewish mother
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for twenty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
(#1121) Would a Jewish mother say such things?
Sophia and Hannah are discussing the best ways to make their young sons finish their meals. Sophia says, "As an Italian mother, I put on a fierce look and say to Primo, ‘if you don’t finish your meal, I’m going to kill you.’ It works most of the time."
"Well, as a Jewish mother, I look mine Isaac in his eyes and say, ‘if you don’t eat the meal I’ve slaved over all day, I’m going to kill myself.’ It works every time."
(#215) You can't hide the truth
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Henry 's roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Henry said, "I know what you must be thinking, mum, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Henry replied "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Debbie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Debbie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Lesson of the day - don't lie to a Jewish mother.
(#1726) The marriage
Lionel from London is taking his University gap year in America and he’s visiting as many places there as he can. But whilst spending some time in Oklahoma, he meets and falls deeply in love with a Cherokee girl. Not long after, they decide to get married and Lionel rings his mother to tell her the good news.
"Mum, I’ve found my future wife and we’re getting married over here. I’m going to send you the air tickets to join us."
"Mazeltov Lionel," his mother says. "I’m so pleased, but is she ……. Jewish?"
"No mum," Lionel replies, "she’s not. But she promises to act as a Jewish wife."
"Oy," his mother wails, "I’ve always wanted you to marry a lovely Jewish girl."
"You can’t have everything mum," Lionel says. "And another thing I must tell you. She lives on a reservation and that’s where we’ll be living after we marry."
"I can’t take any more of this," cries his mother, "I don’t want the tickets and I don’t want to speak to you again." And with that she slams down the phone.
Almost a year later, Lionel rings his mother and tells her that they are expecting a baby. His mother doesn’t slam down the phone but says, very politely and unemotionally, "That’s nice, son, I’m happy for you both."
Eight months later, Lionel again rings his mother and says, "Mum, I just want to say that last night my wife gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy. I also want you to know that we’ve agreed to give our son a Jewish name."
Upon hearing this unexpected news, his mother shouts out with happiness. "Oh Lionel, bubbeleh, this is wonderful news," she cries, "I've been waiting for this moment all my life. You’ve both made me more happy than you could ever know."
"That's fantastic, mum," replies Lionel. "I’m so glad that you and I are back together as mother and son."
"And what," asks his proud and happy mother, "is my lovely grandson’s name going to be?"
Lionel replies, proudly, "Smoked Whitefish."
(#99) My Yiddishe Momma – part1
(#1542) The telephone call
Issy is a very wealthy man and for his mother’s birthday he goes to a Sotheby’s sale and buys her a very expensive painting. When he gets back home, he can’t wait to phone to tell her what he’s bought for her. "Hi, mum, it’s me, Issy, your number one son, your boychik."
"Oh (pause) is everything all right, bubbeleh?" she asks.
"Yes, mum," replies Issy, "everything is fine. I’m ringing to tell you that for your birthday, I’ve just bought you a Rubens."
"Rubin?" she says, "Do you mean Rubin the accountant?"
"No, mum, Rubens is a great painter," explains Issy, laughing.
"Oh, this I didn't know," she says. "Listen, bubbeleh, ask him how much he'll charge to paint my kitchen."
(#189) You Never Listen
Sarah comes home from her long stay in Uganda and surprises her mother Bette, who is in the process of lighting the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. Bette is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing Sarah.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what you were doing."
Sarah says, "Mum, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says Bette, "But how could you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
Sarah brings him in and to her consternation, Bette sees a black man standing before her wearing an evil grin, a feathered cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall spear.
Bette says to Sarah, "You stupid idiot. I said RICH doctor!"
(#457) The visitor
David is visiting his parents for dinner one Friday night. Whilst she is getting the table ready, his mother asks him to get the olives from the fridge. He opens the fridge to look for the olives and notices that taped to the inside of the door is a risqué photo of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but naked young woman.
David asks, “Mum, what’s the photo for?
She replies, “Oh, I put that there to remind me not to eat too much.”
David then asks, “So, is it working?”
“Yes and no.” she replies. “I’ve lost 15 pounds but your father has gained 20 pounds!”
(#1328) Jewish Mothers
(#1347) Course change
Max is a student at Manchester University and rings his mother. "Hi mum," he says, "I thought you should know that I’ve just switched courses and I’m now taking Psychology."
"Oy veh," says his mother, "I suppose you’ll now be analyzing everyone in the family."
"Oh no, mum," he replies, "I don't take abnormal psychology until next term."
(#1744) The shul conference
One Sunday morning, Rebecca drops in to see her mother. "Mum, there’s a marvellous speaker coming to our shul this afternoon. You must come with me. You’ll like it. It’s going to be very interesting."
"Why?" asks her mother, "what’s the talk about?"
"It’s about, THE ROLE OF REGULAR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE IN JEWISH MARRIAGE," replies Rebecca.
"I’m not interested," says her mother, "I’ve given already."
(#1746) The Mummy Test
Hannah is out walking in the park with her young daughter Emma when she sees Emma pick something up from the ground and put it in her mouth. "Emma," she shouts out loud, "spit that out at once."
Emma does as she’s told, then asks, "Why can’t I put it in my mouth, mummy?"
"Because it will make you ill, darling," replies Hannah. "As it’s been on the ground, it’s got dirty, so it’s full of germs which will make you very sick."
Emma looks admiringly at her mother and asks, "You’re so, so clever, mummy. How do you know all these things?"
"All mummies know these things, darling," replies Hannah. "It’s what we have to learn before we can take the MUMMY TEST. If you don’t pass this test, they don’t let you be a mummy."
"Oh, so does this mean that if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the daddy instead?" asks Emma.
"That’s exactly right, darling," Hannah replies with a big grin.
(#) Gentile joke1
A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come up - I can't make it."
His mother replies, "OK."
(#) Gentile joke2
A man calls his elderly mother and says, "Mum, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She replies, "I feel fine, son, and I don't need anything. Thanks for calling."
(#784) The thoughtful son
Sidney passes by a pet shop in Oxford Street and notices a parrot in the window selling for £1,000. He goes inside and asks why it costs so much. The salesman tells him the parrot speaks five languages.
"Five languages!" exclaims Sidney. "Does it speak Yiddish?"
"Sure it does," says the salesman.
As his mother lives by herself in Golders Green, Sidney decides to send her the parrot as a present - it'll keep her company. So he pays the £1,000 and arranges for the shop to deliver the parrot to his mother.
The next day he phones his mother. "Mum, Did you like the parrot I bought you?"
"Mmm, it was delicious!" she says.
"What do you mean delicious?"
"I made soup out of it, it came out great!"
"But mum, the parrot wasn’t for eating. It spoke five languages including Yiddish."
"So why didn't it say anything?"
(#1724) Family love
It’s dinner time and Jeremy is finding it hard to get through his chicken soup. To be honest, he really doesn’t much like its taste or consistency. His wife Sarah sees her Jeremy struggling with it and so asks him, "What’s wrong with the soup, Jeremy?"
"Although you’re the best cook in the world, darling," replies Jeremy, "when it comes to chicken soup, you’ve got a lot to learn. I don’t want to upset you, but I just don’t like your soup. My mother Miriam makes the best chicken soup in the world. Why don’t you ask her for her recipe?"
"Oy vay, Jeremy," replies Sarah, "you know how Miriam hates me. She would never tell me such a thing."
"But your mother Hetty also makes an excellent chicken soup," says Jeremy. "Surely she must have told you how."
"Jeremy," says Sarah, "This was the recipe she gave me. I guess Hetty hates you just as much as Miriam hates me."
(#1565) Translation problems
Hyman and Isaac are discussing the problems in translating from one language to another. Hyman says, "Did you know, Isaac, that there are some English words and expressions that are very difficult to translate into Yiddish."
"You surprise me," says Isaac, "can you give me an example?"
"Well," replies Hyman, "I’ve always had difficulty in finding a Yiddish word that adequately covers the meaning of the English word ‘disappointed.’"
Isaac thinks for a while and says, "Mmm, I see what you mean, Hyman. Look, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. My mother speaks only Yiddish, so I'll ask her tonight how one says, ‘disappointed’ in Yiddish."
That night, Isaac says to his mother, "Mum, I always come here for dinner on Friday nights. So how would you feel if I were to tell you that I won’t be coming here next Friday?"
Isaac mother replies, "Oy! Ich'll zein zayer disappointed."
(#930) White hair
One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair.
Hannah looked at her mother and said, "Why have you got some white hairs, mummy?"
Her mother replied, "Well darling, every time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her mother’s hairs turns white."
Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, "Mummy, so how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
(#246) Who will it be, then?
Moishe had been single for a long time. One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.
Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
His mother agrees.
The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry?"
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
(#720) You know you grew up Jewish when......
Your mother smacked you really hard and continues to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.
(#721) The proposal
Hannah comes home from her afternoon out with her boyfriend Arnold looking very unhappy.
"What’s the matter, Hannah?" asks her mother.
"Arnold has asked me to marry him," she replies.
"Mazeltov! But why are you looking so sad?" her mother asks.
"Because he also told me that he was an atheist. Oh mum, he doesn't even believe in Hell."
Her mother then says, "That’s all right Hannah, it really isn’t a problem. I suggest you marry him and between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
(#1821) Is that you, mum?
Lionel hasn’t spoken to his mother for at least a week so decides to phone her. As soon as a voice answers his call, Lionel says, "Hello mother, so how have you been keeping?"
"Fine, thank you, fine," comes the reply.
"Oy," says Lionel, "I’ve dialled the wrong number. I’m sorry to have disturbed you, lady."
(#1255) The exercise class
Freda says to her daughter, "Ever since I reached 65, Lisa, I’d been feeling that my body had gotten totally out of shape. So I made a big decision - I went to my doctor and got his OK to start doing some exercise. And yesterday I went to LA Fitness and booked into their aerobics class for seniors."
"That was brave of you, mum, so how did you get on?" asks Lisa.
"Well, for thirty minutes I sweated by bending, twisting, pulling, pushing and hopping up and down. But then, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over."
(#1238) Things to come
As little Joshua was being given a bath by his mother, he started closely examining his testicles.
"Are these my brains, mummy?" he asked
"No, darling," she replied, "not yet they’re not."
(#149) Three sons
Three sons left England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, "I built a big house for mum."
Henry said, "I sent her a Lexus - with a driver."
Alan said, "You remember how mum enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can't see very well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse."
Soon afterwards, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
“David, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas--he's a pain in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.”
(#330) Mother’s love
Benny is almost 32 years old. All his friends are now married but Benny just dates and dates. Finally his friend asks him, "What's the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?"
"No I just can’t," Benny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "why don't you find a girl who's just like your mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Benny and his friend get together.
"So, have you found the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your mother?"
Benny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like mum. Mum loved her right from the start and they have become good friends."
"So, do I owe you a Mazeltov? Are you and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand her!"
(#88) The proud mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"
(#989) Conversation with mother
“Can I leave the children with you tonight, mum?”
“Why, are you going out?”
“Yes I am.”
“So aren’t you going to tell your mother who you’re going out with?”
“Oh I’m just going out with a friend.”
“I don't know why you left your husband, he was so good to you.”
“But you know I didn't leave him, mum, he left me!”
“I think you let him leave you and now you go out with anybody.”
“I don’t go out with anybody. So, can I bring the children over or not?”
“I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.”
“There are many things that you did that I don't do.”
“So, what are you hinting at?”
“Nothing mum. I just need to know if I can bring the children over tonight.”
“You're staying the night with him? What would your husband say if he knew?”
“My ex-husband wouldn’t care. From the day he left, he never slept alone!”
“So, you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?”
“He's not a loser.”
“Any man who goes out with a divorcee with children is a loser.”
”I don't want to argue with you mum. Should I bring over the children or not?”
“Poor children, with such a mother.”
“A mother such as what?”
“With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.”
“MUM. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY!”
“Please don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too.”
“So now you're worried about the loser?”
“Ah, you admit he's a loser, then. I guessed he was a loser straight away.”
“Wait! Don't hang up. What time are you bringing them over?”
“I'm not bringing them over because I'm not going out.”
“But darling, if you don’t go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?”
(#990) What female Jewish judges might say
(#578) A Trip to the Old Country
Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for London some years earlier, returns to visit his family.
"But Benjamin, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mother," he replies, "In London, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?" his mother asks.
"Mother, business is business. In London, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?" asks his mother.
"Mother, in London, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
Then silence, whilst his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard. Then she leans over and whispers in his ear, "Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
(#1900) The home visit
Benjamin has just completed his first year at Manchester University and rings his mother Miriam. "Mum," he says, "if it’s OK with you, I’ll be coming home next weekend to see you and dad."
"If it’s OK with me?" she replies, crying. "Oh Benjy, of course it will be OK with me. You give me so much naches. I’m thrilled you’re coming. I just can’t wait to see you again. I’ll make you all you favourite food. But please drive carefully."
When the call is over, Miriam immediately starts getting his old room ready for him. The weekend quickly arrives and all goes well. There are many things they talk about, but then she asks him, "So, my boychick, you have a nice girlfriend already in Manchester?"
Benjamin was prepared for this question. He knew it would come up during his visit. "Well, mum," he replies, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
"So give me the bad news first," she replies, looking very worried.
"I'm gay, mum," he replies.
"Oy vay!" cries Miriam, "so tell me the good news before I faint on the floor."
"I'm in love with such a nice doctor, mum," he replies.
(#220) The caterer
The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father's bedside. His father is near death.
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is your mother making my favourite cheese cake?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could just have one more piece of your mum's cheese cake. Would you get me a piece?"
Son: "OK, Dad."
(Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.)
Father: "Is that you son?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: "Did you bring the cheese cake?"
Son: "No Dad."
Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!"
Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the cake is for after the funeral."
(#239) The storm
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered Bernie, "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped Bernie, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
(#1528) The boyfriend
[My thanks to Richard K for sending me the following story]
TRUE STORY - A psychoanalyst told me last week end that a patient of his, who is Jewish, married, has two kids, a house in the suburbs with a two car garage etc. all of a sudden finds out that he's gay. He goes to his mother and says, "Mum, I just found out I'm gay and have a boyfriend, his name is Heinrich."
His mother says, "Vot, you're going with a Nazis?"
(#428) The large family
Max was talking to Louie. “Did you know that I’m one of 18 children?”
Louie said, “No, I didn’t. Why do you think your parents had so many children?”
Max replies, “The problem was that my mum was hard of hearing. When mum and dad went to bed each night, dad would ask, “Do you want to go to sleep, or what?”
And mum would say, “What?”
(#1671) How to handle bad news
Sadie isn’t feeling too well and goes to see doctor Myers. He gives her a full examination, sighs and says, "I've got bad news for you. You have cancer and I’d advise you to put your affairs in order ASAP."
Sadie is shocked, but manages to compose herself and walk out into the waiting room where her daughter Shoula is waiting.
"So how did it go mum?" asks Shoula.
"Well Shoula, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things are not so good. Unfortunately, in this case, things aren't so good. I’ve cancer. Let's go to my golf club and have a drink."
Later, after several martinis, the two are feeling a little less sombre. They have some laughs and then some more martinis. But after a while they’re approached by two of Sadie’s club mates who are curious as to what they are celebrating. Sadie tells them that they’re drinking to her impending death. "I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS," she tells them.
"Oy Veh," they say, and give Sadie their condolences. Then they all have a couple of martinis.
After Sadie’s friends leave, Shoula leans over and whispers, "Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer? You’ve just told your friends that you’re dying of AIDS. I’m confused mum."
Sadie replies, "I told them that because I don't want any of those kurveh sleeping with your father after I'm gone."
(#609) A restful event
Natalie had three very active sons and they were quite a handful. One summer evening she was playing cowboys and Indians with them in her front garden when one of the boys "shot" her and shouted "Bang! You're dead, mum."
So Natalie fell down.
Her next door neighbour had been watching all this and when Natalie didn't get up straight away, he ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbour bent over her, Natalie opened one eye and said to him, "Shhh. Please don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to have a rest all day".
(#610) The composer
Once upon a time, a young Jewish composer was trying desperately to write a hit song. He had been at it for an entire day, without food or water, but the inspiration was taking a long time coming.
Then his mother came into his room and said, “You must eat something. I’ll make you a smoked salmon sandwich.”
But he pushed her out of the room, shouting, “Go away.”
Within 15 minutes, she was back. “Please, you must eat some food or you’ll be ill,” she cried.
Again he shoved her out of the room, this time shouting, “Will you please leave me alone, you silly moo. Stop bothering me, will you.”
But she took no notice. Ten minutes later, she came into the room carrying a tray full of food and drink. All his favourites were there.
But it had no effect on him. She was still holding the tray of food when he angrily threw her out of the room and locked the door. He heard the crash of the tray hitting the wall and the sound of breaking chinaware. Then he heard his mother crying. Suddenly, he shouted, “I’ve got it, I know what to write.”
With that he went to his piano and composed ‘My Yiddishe Mama’.
(#896) You know your mother is Jewish when
(#907) The proud mother
Jewish mothers don't differ from any other mothers in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons. Rivkah, trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their just-graduated sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine interviews, his resume is now in its fifth printing."
(#342) Moshe’s mother - 1
Moshe’s mother, Hette, once gave him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, Hette said, "What's the matter, Moshe? You didn't like the other one?"
(#343) Moshe’s mother - 2
Moshe calls his mother and asks, "How are you?"
"Not too good," Hette says. "I'm feeling very weak."
"Why, mother? "
Hette says, "Because I haven't eaten in 23 days."
Moshe replies, "That's terrible, mother. Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?"
Hette answers, "because I didn't want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!"
(#356) Jewish mothers are wonderful
Abbe Caponovitch, a Jewish gangster, was dining at a kosher restaurant on New York's Lower East Side, when members of the mob burst in and shot him full of lead. Abbe managed to stagger out of the restaurant and stumbled up the street to the block where his mother lived. Clutching his bleeding stomach, he then crawled up the stairs and banged on the door of his mother's apartment, screaming, "Mama, Mama! Help me, Mama!"
His mother opened the door, eyed him up and down and said: "Bubbeleh, come in. First you eat, then you talk!"
(#359) The engagement
Nicki tells his mum that he has got engaged at last. His mother is happy but a little bit worried as well. She just has to ask him, "Is she Jewish?"
"Of course she is, mum. I'll bring her to dinner this evening so you can meet her."
That night Nicki arrives with three beautiful women - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
"Mother I want you to guess who is my fiancé." says Nicki smiling.
But his mother is not pleased at all. All she wanted to do was to speak to her son’s fiancé one to one first without playing silly games. She doesn't know where to start. She waits patiently and gives it some thought. When the meal is over, she calls Nicki into the kitchen.
"I know which one she is." She says.
"Which one, then, mum?" asks Nicki.
"Yes, you're right. How on earth did you guess?"
"I knew as soon as I saw her, I couldn't stand the sight of her!"
(#696) It’s quiet upstairs
Sadie, as she did every Sunday afternoon, went with her young son Moshe to visit her best friend Rifka and her young daughter Hannah. When they arrive, both mothers send their children upstairs so they can talk about their neighbours. The children are first given a stern warning they are not to fight. After about an hour, everything is too quiet upstairs so Sadie hollers out, “Children, you’re not fighting up there are you?”
Moshe’s voice comes back, “No mum, were not fighting, we’re schtooping.”
Sadie replies, “That’s good children, don't fight.”
(#699) The Christmas present
Father Christmas was working at Brent Cross Shopping Centre when he noticed a young lady, about twenty years old and wearing a large gold Magen Dovid pendent around her neck, walking towards him. He was surprised, therefore, when she sat on his lap. Now Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but as she gave him such a nice smile, he couldn’t refuse.
He said to her, "What’s your name?"
"Hannah," came the reply.
"And what does a nice Jewish woman like you want for Christmas, Hannah?"
"Actually, I want something for my mother, please," said Hannah.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"
Without blinking, Hannah replied, "A son-in-law."
(#520) The arrangements
Although Miriam Cohen had a good job designing clothes in a top shop in Golders Green, she wasn’t satisfied with being single. In fact she and her mother, Freda, shared the same wish – Miriam should marry a wealthy man, please God.
One day, Miriam came home from work with eyes red and sore from crying and went straight to Freda. “Mum, I'm pregnant. Please don't get upset - the father is my boss.” Miriam then began to cry again and Freda had to stay with her most of the night. The next morning, an angry Freda went with Miriam to see her boss.
“Nu, she said, so what's going to happen to Miriam now?“
Miriam’s boss was a handsome, single, well dressed man of 32. He replied, “Please take a seat Mrs. Cohen and don’t worry. I'm taking care of all the arrangements. Before the baby is born, Miriam will have the best doctor money can buy. Later on, she'll be booked into the best private clinic in London and after the baby is born, I will set up a trust fund for Miriam. She will receive £1,000 each week until the baby reaches 21. I can’t do better than that.”
Freda was initially taken aback by this news but then responded, “Tell me,” she said, “God forbid Miriam should have a miscarriage, but if she does, will you give her a second chance?”
(#1448) A woman's poem
He didn't like my salt beef
And he didn't like my cake.
My kichel were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't make the borsht right
He left the cholent stew.
I didn't wash his gatkes…
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and gave him a potch...
Like his mother used to do.
(#1840) Happiness is …….
As they do every Wednesday, 80 year old Rebecca meets up with 82 year old Fay in Brent Cross Shopping Centre.
"So nu?" says Rebecca, "what’s news, Fay? You’ve got a lovely smile on your face."
"I finally got a letter from mine son Max in Israel," replies Fay. "It’s the first letter I’ve got from him in over 3 months."
"And what good news does this son of yours give you? asks Rebecca.
"He says his wife was knocked down by a car 7 weeks ago," replies Fay, "and that he’s had to leave his job as a financial advisor to look after his wife and their two little girls. As a consequence, his salary, private medical policy and health insurance will end in a few weeks time."
"Oy," says Rebecca.
"And that’s not all," continues Fay. "With the property market the way it is, Rebecca, he’s also finding it impossible to sell his house to get some capital to live on. And to cap it all, his lovely baby girl has been diagnosed with leukaemia and she needs some expensive treatment to pull through. Max is so worried, Rebecca. He just doesn't know what to do for the best."
"Oy vay," cries Rebecca, "what a terrible story you’ve just told me, Fay. So why are you looking so happy?"
"Because mine son writes to his little old mother such beautifully constructed letters written in Hebrew. They’re a pleasure to read," replies Fay.
(#1355) How to get a man
Ruth is Naomi’s only child. Unfortunately Ruth is a rather plain girl and as a result is still single at 30 - she doesn’t even have a boyfriend. So naturally, Naomi is getting worried and sees her chance of becoming a bubbeh fading fast. So one day Naomi decides to have a heart-to-heart talk with Ruth.
"Darling," she says, "I’m your mother and I love you, so please don’t get angry with me when you hear what I have to say. I’m getting worried about you because you won’t find a nice man by staying at home, night after night, doing nothing but looking sad and watching TV. Believe me, darling, the best thing to do is to advertise yourself in the Jewish Dating Times."
"Oh mum," says Ruth, embarrassed, "I just couldn’t do that."
"But you could, darling," says Naomi. "You don’t give your name, you just put in a box number where suitors send their details about themselves. And we won’t tell a soul we’re doing it, not even your dad."
After ten further minutes of serious discussion, Naomi gets her way and next day they place the following advert in the paper
CHARMING JEWISH GIRL WITH GSOH, SLIM BUT SHAPELY, POLITE, EXCELLENT EDUCATION, COOKS GREAT MEALS, LOOKING TO MEET KIND, EDUCATED, INTELLIGENT JEWISH MAN WITH VIEW TO MARRIAGE.
WRITE TO BOX 13
Then the waiting starts. One week later, a reply drops through the letter box. Ruth picks it up and shouts, "Mum, I’ve got a reply."
Ruth opens the letter, starts to read then suddenly gasps and bursts out crying.
"What’s the matter, darling?" asks Naomi.
"It’s from dad," replies Ruth.
If Mona Lisa's mother were Jewish, she'd have said, "Mona, bubbeleh, after all the money your father and I spent on your brace, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
(#865) My son the surgeon
Abe was 75 years old and had a medical problem that needed complicated surgery. Because his son Jacob was a renowned surgeon, Abe insisted that Jacob perform the operation. On the day of his operation, as he lay on the operating table waiting for the anaesthetic, Abe asked to speak to his son.
"Yes dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, Jacob, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if God forbid something should happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
(#868) Jewish wish of friendship
May you be granted every wish; and always have gefilte fish.
May you stay safe from winds and hails; and always shop at Bloomingdale's.
May you always understand every detail; and never have to pay retail.
May you regard every man as your brother; and always remember to call your mother.
(#1073) OK for daddy
Little Henry is on the beach with his parents in Eastbourne when he says to his mother, "Mummy, can I go swimming in the sea?"
"No, bubbeleh," she replies, "the water is too deep and too rough for you."
"But daddy has just gone in," says Henry.
"I know, darling, but your daddy’s insured."
(#1595) Confused identity
Cyril buys a new telephone-answering machine with a pre-recorded message in a man’s voice, but he forgets to tell his elderly mother. Soon after the phone is connected, it rings and Cyril decides to test it out by letting the machine answer. After the pre-recorded message, there’s a pause and the caller hangs up without leaving any message. The phone soon rings again, and the same thing happens.
When the phone rings for a third time, Cyril hears, "Cyril, this is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me."
(#1603) Solving mother’s problems
Miriam is a mother who’s having serious problems with her young son Nathan. She’s in such a state that her doctor recommends she see a psychiatrist as soon as possible. He then writes out a letter for her to give to the psychiatrist.
Later that week, Miriam has her first appointment with the psychiatrist. After he spends an hour talking to her, he says, "You seem to be far too upset and worried about Nathan than you ought to be. So, Miriam, I’m going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers. These are the very latest on the market. Start taking them regularly from today and I’ll see you again in a month’s time."
On her next visit, the psychiatrist asks, "So, Miriam, you look much more relaxed than the last time I saw you. Have the tranquilizers I gave you calmed you down?"
"Yes, doctor, the pills have been marvellous. I feel so carefree," replies Miriam.
"And how is Nathan behaving?" he asks.
"Who cares?" replies Miriam with a ‘shrug’ of her arms.
(#1000) Family help
After a short illness, little Jeremy died. He was only 9 years old. At his funeral, his family and friends wept at his grave. Rayne, his mother, was inconsolable and was crying heavily as the gravediggers started to cover his coffin with earth.
"Oh my poor darling Jeremy. Why did you leave me at such a young age? You didn’t even get a chance to become a doctor. So bubbeleh, when you get to heaven, don’t forget to tell God how terribly miserable all those you left behind are, especially your mother. And while you’re talking to him, please ask him to help your dear father find a good job so that he can properly support me and your brothers and sisters. And Jeremy, bubbeleh, you must tell God about my back problems and my flatulence and ask him to cure me. And Jeremy, my darling baby, maybe if you told him also of your uncle’s in-growing toenail, maybe he could find time to cure him also. And, bubbeleh, don’t forget to tell God that your elder sister Sarah is already 24 years old and still hasn’t found a husband – maybe he can make her less fussy and help her find a nice property developer to marry? Oh, and Jeremy, my sweet child, ask…………"
One of the gravediggers had heard enough. He turned to Rayne and said, "With all the problems you and your family have, Mrs Levy, you shouldn’t send a young boy to sort them out, you should go and sort things out in person."
(#407) On their way
A catholic woman, a protestant woman and Hette die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.
The catholic woman says," I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven. St. Peter tells her to go to the left.
The protestant woman says," I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells her to step to the left.
Hette tells St. Peter," I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays and took care of my family." St. Peter tells Hette to step to the right.
Hette immediately asks him, " Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?"
St. Peter replies, "Don't you want to go to the beauty salon first?
(#1) The dream.
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
(#19) Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
(#33) Going back to the closet
Howard, a young gay man telephones his mother.
"Mum, I've decided to go back into the closet. I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What do you think of this news? You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard. I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mum, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what's her name?"
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
(#44) First day
A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day.
"Be a good boy, my bubbeleh! Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby!
At the end of the day, she’s waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his first day at school?"
"I learned that my name is David."
(#633) Telephone messages
Kitty, my mother, has just bought her first telephone answering machine and guess what she decided to record on it?
(#367) Motherly love
Freda Cohen is having a very torrid time with her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes even fighting. So Freda takes him to see a psychoanalyst.
After several sessions, the doctor calls Freda into his office and tells her, "Your son has an Oedipus complex."
"Oedipus Shmedipus," answers Freda, "As long as he loves his mother."
(#1831) Why aren’t you married already?
Issy arrives home from work one evening and noticing that his daughter Sharon is nowhere to be seen says to his wife Rebecca, "Nu? So where’s Sharon?"
"She’s in her bedroom," replies Rebecca, abruptly. "We had another argument."
Issy goes upstairs to see whether he can sort things out. "What’s the matter, Sharon?" he asks.
"It’s mummy, dad," replies Sharon. "She keeps on and on at me for not being married already. All she does is kvetch and krechtz. It’s driving me crazy. I just won’t rush into marriage until I find someone really special. Please talk to her, dad."
"I’ll do my best," replies Issy. "I’ll mention our little conversation to mummy as soon as the right moment comes along."
"Thanks dad," says Sharon.
That night, when they’re in bed, Rebecca says to Issy, "So what did our alteh moid daughter have to say to you earlier?"
"She said you’re always on her back about her not being married," Issy replies. "I think you should leave her alone. She’s still only 21 and she’s waiting until the right man comes along."
"Why should she have to wait for the right man?" says Rebecca. "I didn’t when I got married."
(#1791) Are my sons OK?
Leah is an old fashioned type of mother. She has three teenage sons and she always wants re-assurances from them that they are going out with the ‘right kind’ of girl. Leah has read too many stories in the Jewish Chronicle newspaper of boys being led astray by the wrong kinds of girl.
Two of Leah’s sons are always telling her of the girls they meet, which satisfies her, but as for Benjy, her eldest, no such luck. He’s very cagey and secretive and tells her nothing – in fact he never mentions his girlfriends at all. Leah is sure something is not quite right, but she doesn’t know what.
This is aggravating her so much that one evening, as soon as Benjy goes out, she goes into his room and starts to look through his pockets. At last she finds something. It’s a silver and gold make-up case and on it is written: -
"Oy, thank God," she says aloud. "At least I now know that Benjy is going out with Jewish girls."
(#1796) The back seat champion
Sarah couldn't ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She was, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. Her husband Hayim long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever, made comments about his driving and he, of course, claimed the opposite. And suddenly, there was proof.
The other day, Hayim was driving Sarah and their daughter to the shopping centre when little Shuli piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mummy, who told you how to drive?"
(#1508) True story Number 2
[My thanks to Richard K for sending me this true story]
Dear David, among other things, I’m a book-seller on the streets of New York, 85th & Broadway to be precise. So I meet a lot of people on the Upper West Side. One elderly Jewish man I met was telling me that he grew up as a kid in Brooklyn and spoke Yiddish at home. There was a funeral parlour nearby with the name, I.G. Morris. When his mother would get angry or annoyed at someone, she would say, "Lozz-im gehn' auf I.G. Morris!" (Let'm go to I.G. Morris!) This cracked me up for several days! So although it is not a joke, you can easily picture this scene.
(#1870) Why is this night different?
It’s the first night of Passover and Morris and Sadie, together with their two sons, 4 year old Simon and 7 year old Isaac, are holding their annual seder night service. Soon it was time for ma nishtana to be read by the youngest one present. As soon as Simon asks, "why is this night different from all other nights," quick as a flash, his older brother Isaac replies, "because mummy cooked."
(#1183) Easier said than done
Moshe goes to Heathrow Airport to fly to New York. While he is waiting for his flight, he notices a lady sitting nearby crying. So he goes over and asks her if anything was wrong.
She says, "My son John moved to New York some months ago and I haven't heard from him since. I’m so worried. Even though we’re Jewish, he’s never called or written to me. So I come here from time to time because he left from this airport and I feel closer to him here than anywhere else."
As they talk, the lady asks, "Would you by any chance be going to New York?"
Moshe replies, "Well, as a matter of fact I am."
She says, "Oh would you please find my son and ask him to call me? His name is John Dun, spelled with one N."
Moshe replies, "I don't think it’s possible to find one man in New York."
She says, "Oh, please try. It would mean so much to me. I miss him so very much."
After much pleading, Moshe finally agrees to do his best.
All the way to New York, he wonders, "How can I ever find her son?" When the plane lands, he takes a cab to his hotel. As the cab nears his hotel, Moshe sees on the side of one of the sky scrapers ‘DUN AND BRADSTREET’ so he says to himself, "This might be easier than I thought."
Later that day, after unpacking, he goes into the D&B building, walks up to the receptionist and asks, "Do you have a John here?"
She replies, "Yes. Down this hall to the right and it’s the third door on the left."
He thanks her and goes looking for the door she pointed out. He finds it and goes in. Just as he walks into the room, there is a man there, drying his hands. Moshe says to him, "Are you Dun?"
The man replies, "Yes."
Moshe says, "Call your mother."
(#208) The school play
Yossi comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" Yossi says "I play the part of the Jewish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!!"
(#263) Pre-wedding conversation
Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance to the synagogue.
The usher asked, “Are you a friend of the bride?”
Sadie quickly relied, “No, of course not. I am the groom’s mother.”
(P#030) MOTHERS DON’T FORGET
(from the musical "Kosher Cockney Cowboy")
[Music and Lyrics by Marc Daniel Copyright 1990]
RUBY: The first time I held you the day
you were born you peed over me, then, gave a big yawn you smiled you gurgled,
you told me I’m born Mothers don’t forget.
LENNY: My first day at school, you were so cruel to me.
RUBY: I cried when I dragged you.
LENNY: I know I could see.
RUBY: No you don’t remember, What a brat you were three. Mothers don’t forget.
LENNY: We argue, we squabble, I don’t mean what I say.
RUBY: I know what you’re saying. Pride gets in the way.
LENNY: I love you.
RUBY: And you too.
LENNY: What more can I say
BOTH: Mothers don’t forget.
RUBY: You’re the best son
LENNY: You’re the best mum.
RUBY: Through thick and thin you’re there.
LENNY: You’re a pillar, to lean on.
BOTH: Together, we will share
The good times, the bad times.
We’ll see the future through.
No matter what happens
I’m always there for you.
RUBY: Don’t gamble your money
LENNY: I said I don’t spiel
RUBY: Don’t tell me more lies, you’re making me ill.
Just find a good woman, who’s not on the pill.
Mothers don’t forget.
I nearly lost you, when you were just two.
Bronchitis, pneumonia, thank God, you pulled through.
We’ve both had it hard son – oy, both me and you
Mothers don’t forget.
RUBY: You’re the best son.
LENNY: You’re the best mum.
RUBY: Together, we will share
The good times, the bad times.
We’ll see the future through.
No matter what happens
I’m always there for you.
The good times, the bad times.
We’ll see the future through.
No matter what happens
Always – mothers don’t forget.
(#473) The shopping trip
It was a terrible evening in Golders Green. The wind was blowing hard, it was snowing and it was very, very cold. The streets were almost deserted and ‘Bagels Bakery’ was just about to shut when Sidney entered. He looked absolutely frozen. He was wearing two jumpers, a thick scarf and an even thicker coat. His umbrella had blown inside out and he looked thoroughly miserable.
As he unbuttoned his coat, he said to the baker, "Two bagels, please."
The baker looked surprised. "Only two? Don’t you want anything else?"
"No. I only want two," Sidney replied. "One for Esther and one for me."
"Is Esther your wife?" asked the baker.
"Don’t ask silly questions," replied Sidney, "Of course she is. Do you think my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
SOME NAUGHTIER JOKES
(XXX#64) The home
Frank had just come to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet". His plan was to tell his mother first. So on his next home visit, he went into the kitchen where his mother was busying herself stirring her chicken soup. Rather nervously, Frank explained to her that he had realized he was gay.
Without looking up from her stirring, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"
"Well...yes." he answers.
Still without looking up she asks, "Does that mean you suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, Frank eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative, whereupon his mother turned to him and brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"
lips you can kiss
Although Rivkah’s husband Aaron died almost five years ago, she’s finding it very difficult to come to terms with her loss and she often acts as if she’s still in mourning. Naomi, her daughter, is constantly urging her to get back into the living world, but up to now is having no luck.
But then one day, Naomi is surprised to hear her mother say to her, "OK, I’ll go out, but I don’t know anyone to go out with."
Naomi quickly says, "Don’t worry, mum. I know someone you’ll really like. His name is Cyril."
Cyril and Rivkah became a couple almost instantly and after dating for nearly two months, Cyril asks Rivkah whether she would like to spend the coming weekend with him at the Grand Hotel, Eastbourne. "Of course, Cyril," she replies.
On their first night at the hotel, they both start to undress. Soon, Rivkah is standing there naked except for a pair of black lacy panties and Cyril is in his birthday suit. Cyril looks at her and asks, "Nu? So vy the black panties?"
Rivkah replies, "Mine lips you can kiss, mine neck you can nuzzle, mine breasts you can fondle and mine body you can explore. But down… you-know-where, I’m still in mourning."
Cyril realises that this night is not going to be his night for L-O-V-E. But he’s patient and cunning. The same thing happens the next night – Rivkah stands there wearing her black panties and Cyril wears nothing....except this time he’s wearing a black condom.
Rivkah looks at him and asks, "What's with this black condom?"
"I vant to offer my deepest condolences," replies Cyril.
RETURN TO INDEX PAGE
go to next category of jokes