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NOTE: This category was last updated on 20 January 2008
NOTE: Some 'naughtier
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(#1469) The trip to Israel - 1
Rabbi Rabinovitz is going on holiday to Israel. He arrives at Heathrow Airport and goes to have his luggage checked in.
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" asks the girl at the check-in desk.
Rabbi Rabinovitz replies, "Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?"
(#1470) The trip to Israel - 2
A voice is heard over the intercom at the start of an El Al flight to Israel.
"Welcome on board. Your stewardesses today are Naomi Jacobs, Miriam Goldberg and myself, Judith Kosiner. And we mustn’t forget, of course, my son Paul, the pilot."
(#1471) The trip to Israel - 3
A voice was heard on Israeli Radio.
"This is Station OYVEH Tel Aviv, 1830 on your dial, but to you, 1825."
(#601) Very careful studies
Last year, as some German scientists were digging 150 feet under the ground, they were surprised to discover small pieces of copper. They studied the copper pieces very carefully and came to the conclusion that 25,000 years ago, there was a nationwide telephone network in ancient Germany. They reported this in scientific journals, world-wide.
When British scientists heard the German announcement, they were just not impressed. They immediately embarked on a project to dig even deeper. When they had dug down to 300 feet, they found small pieces of glass. They studied the glass pieces very carefully and came to the conclusion that 35,000 years ago, there was a nationwide fibre optic network in use by the ancient Brits.
Israeli scientists were enraged when they learned of the German and British claims. They decided to dig 150 feet, 300 feet and 600 feet under the ground in Jerusalem. But unfortunately, they found nothing whatsoever. Nevertheless, they came to the conclusion that 55,000 years ago, the ancient Israelites had cellular telephones.
(#606) The 7 fridges
It might not be known by many outside of Israel but new immigrants can bring in normal household items duty free, but anything that looks like it could be resold in Israel is supposed to be subject to Israeli import duty.
Moshe Cohen, a new immigrant, arrived at the Port of Haifa to claim his household goods, which had just been landed by ship. However, when he turned up, he was immediately called into the Port offices because the excise officer had noticed on the manifest that Moshe had brought in seven refrigerators.
"Mr Cohen," said the officer, "one refrigerator is allowed duty free, but certainly not seven of them."
Moshe replied, "But I'm very frum. I need one refrigerator just for meat, one just for dairy, and one just for parve."
"OK," said the officer, "that makes three, but what about the other four?"
"It’s obvious," replied Moshe, "I need three for most of the year and another three, for meat, dairy and parve, for Pesach."
"That only makes six," replied the officer," What's the seventh one for?"
"So nu," replied Moshe, "What if I want to eat traif once in a while?"
(#245) The champion of champions
One day, some builders are renovating an old building in Jerusalem when Solly, one of the workers, falls through the rotten floor into a previously undiscovered cellar. As the dust settles, Solly sees to his horror a skeleton lying in the corner. The skeleton is wearing a blue and white sash with these words written on it: -
“ALL ISRAEL HIDE-AND-SEEK CHAMPION 1948”
(#257) And God Created Israel
On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli, and they shall be known to the most people on earth."
"But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"
"Not really, God replied, just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them."
Israel is the land of milk and honey; North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.
(#362) The four questions
The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they then received the Ten Commandments?"
"And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?"
(#620) Conversation with a taxi driver
Abe was visiting Israel for the first time. As soon as his plane landed, he got a taxi to take him to his hotel. The taxi driver was very friendly and told Abe all kinds of useful information.
Then Abe asks the driver, "Say, is Israel a healthy place?"
"Oh, yes, it really is," the driver answered, "When I first came here, I couldn't say even one simple word, I had hardly any hair on my head, I didn't have the energy to walk across a small room and I even had to be helped out of bed every day."
"That's a remarkable story, truly amazing," Abe said, "so how long have you been here in Israel?"
"I was born here."
(#1104) A fishy story
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain that they were very thirsty after walking so far. They couldn’t even drink from the walls of water on either side of them because they were made up of salt-water.
Whilst Moses was looking around for some fresh water, a fish from the wall of water told him that he and his friends were willing to help. They would use their gills to remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a freshwater fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer with gratitude, but the fish said there was a condition. The children of Israel and their descendants always had to be present at the Seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave the fish their name, which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
(#120) The designer
Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and asked him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realised he had nothing to lose. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah broken on the perforation!"
(#121) The slalom
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds, and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
(#560) You shouldn’t ask that
When Jacob was finally given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to immigrate to Israel, he was told he could only take what he could put into one suitcase. At Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official shouted, "Open your case at once."
Jacob did what he was told. The official searched through his case and pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a bust of Stalin.
"What is that?" he shouted at Jacob.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the wonderful things he did for me and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."
The official sneered. "I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the bust with you."
When Jacob arrived at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, "Shalom, welcome to Israel, open your case, please!"
Jacob's case was once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was found. "What is that?” asked the officer.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is Stalin the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind me of all the suffering and misery he caused me."
The official laughed, "I always knew you Russians were mad. Go, and take the bust with you."
When Jacob arrived at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he unpacked. Jacob carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.
Jacob replied, "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five kilos of gold."
(#572) A trip to Israel
Hette was on her first visit to Israel and was on a special day tour to Jerusalem. First stop was a big beautiful shul and she said to her guide, "That's really special. How long did it take to build?"
The guide replied, "About five years, madam."
Hette replied, "In my country it would only have taken six months."
They carried on with the tour and arrived at a small settlement. Hette said to the guide, "This is really lovely. How long did they take to build it?"
"About 8 years, madam." he replied.
Hette said (snootily), "Huh, in my country it would have taken less than a year."
Then they arrived at the Wailing Wall. Hette gasped at its size and said to the guide, "Just look at that structure!"
The guide didn’t wait for her next comment. He immediately said, "My goodness! I just can't believe it - it wasn't here this morning!"
(#1236) Deja vu
Abe is on holiday in Israel with his wife, children and mother-in-law. Sadly, while they are visiting Jerusalem, Abe's mother-in-law dies. Abe goes to the British Embassy with her death certificate in his hand to make arrangements to send her body back to the UK for burial. As soon as the Embassy official realises that it’s Abe’s mother-in-law who has died, he tells Abe that it’s very expensive to send a body back to the UK.
"It could cost as much as £2,000," he says, "so in most cases, the family decide to bury the body here in Israel because this only costs £100."
But Abe gets agitated, "I don't care how much it costs to send her body back to the UK, that's what I want to do. OK?"
"OK," says the official, "calm down. We’ll do it. You must have loved your mother-in-law a lot, considering the price difference."
"No, that’s not the reason," says Abe, "it’s just that I know of a case of someone who was buried here in Jerusalem many, many years ago and on the 3rd day he arose from the dead. I just don’t want to take that chance."
(#671) Creation of Israel
On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Israel. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It will have rolling hills and mountains full of goats and eagles, a beautiful, sparkling, clear ocean full of sea life and high cliffs overlooking white sandy beaches."
God continued, "And I shall make the land rich in oil to allow the
inhabitants to prosper. I shall call these inhabitants ‘Jews’ and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you’re being too generous to these Jews?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait and see the neighbours I am going to
(#673) Business versus pleasure
Issy owned a small deli in Hendon. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Issy had reported a net profit of £50,000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it.
"It’s like this," said Issy. "I work like a maniac all year round and all of my family help me out whenever they can. My deli is closed only five times a year. That’s how I made £50,000."
"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of £80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made fifteen business trips to Israel."
"Oh," said Issy, smiling. "I forgot to tell you that we also deliver."
(#578) A Trip to the Old Country
Benjamin, a young Talmud student who had left Israel for London some years earlier, returns to visit his family.
"But Benjamin, where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mother," he replies, "In London, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?" his mother asks.
"Mother, business is business. In London, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?" asks his mother.
"Mother, in London, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
Then silence, whilst his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard. Then she leans over and whispers in his ear, "Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
(#237) The Israeli archaeologist
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
(#238) The Israeli worker's union
Max, a Vaadnik (union head) is addressing a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.
"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks, "Every Wednesday?"
(#1477) Why didn’t you ask?
Fact: The children of Israel roamed the desert for 40 years.
Conclusion: Even in those days, a man would never ask for directions.
(#1488) BREAKING NEWS ITEM
The Israeli police are looking for a man who calls himself Joseph. He’s wanted for looting offences in Haifa. The suspect is described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He’s a former flutist and works occasionally on a farm.
In short, he’s "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe."
Q: Who is Israel's favourite Internet provider?
Q: Who, in history, had the very first
A: Moses - the roar of his triumph could be heard all over Israel.
Q: How does an Israeli man commit suicide?
A: He jumps from his ego to his IQ.
New Zealand’s Prime Minister is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone. "PM, it’s the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but we have an emergency. I've just been told that the Durex factory in Auckland has burned to the ground and it’s estimated that the entire New Zealand supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Oh dear," says the Prime Minister, "the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined! We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... how about the UK?"
"No chance," replies the health minister, "the Poms would have a field day on this one."
"What about Australia?" asks the Prime Minister.
"Maybe - but we don't want them to know that we’re in a mess. Why don't you call Ariel Sharon of Israel and tell him we need one million condoms. Tell him they should be ten inches long and eight inches thick. That way he’ll know how big we Kiwis really are."
So the Prime Minister calls Sharon who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need in return for improved diplomatic relations. Three days later an air express van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted Prime Minister rushes out, opens one of the boxes and finds what was ordered - condoms 10 inches long and 8 inches thick. But they are all coloured blue and white and then the Prime Minister notices, in small writing on each and every one, “MADE IN ISRAEL: SIZE = MEDIUM.”
(#18) New cheese factory.
Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".
From Israel comes the story of a guide who was showing some visitors around a small local museum.
"That fossil in the glass case over there is two million and nine years old" he told them.
"How can you date it so precisely?" someone asked admiringly.
"That’s easy," said the guide. "I’ve been working here nine years and it was two million years old when I came."
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "that's if we lose. But what if we win?"
(#298) The two farmers
Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.
"I raise a few chickens," says Shlomo. “I'm also a farmer.”
“So am I. How much land do you have?” asks Bud.
“Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred at the back.”
Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a question.
“You’re from Texas, so what about your farm?" asks Shlomo.
Bud tells him, "On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."
"That's too bad," says Shlomo. "I once had a car like that."
(#306) The conversation
Every day, a religious Jew was seen praying in front of the Wailing Wall. One day, a non-observant Israeli walked up to him and said, "I see you here every day, seven days a week. Tell me, what are you praying to G-d for?" To this, the man replied, "I am telling G-d of my tsuris (troubles), of my financial problems, about my daughter who can't find a husband, and asking him to help me." "Well," the secular Jew asked, "does He send you help?" The man turned to him and said, "No, but what do you expect? It's like talking to a wall."
(#724) A really old joke
There was a time when Pharaoh was repeatedly breaking his promise to release the children of Israel from bondage in Egypt.
So Aaron said to his wife, “You know Sarah, this Pharaoh is really turning out to be a first class momzer.”
“Aaron,” said Sarah, “You mustn’t say such things. We are all one family. Don’t forget we are all children of God, even Pharaoh.”
“I cannot deny that this is true,” replied Aaron, “but this Pharaoh, he must come from your side of the family!”
(#1399) The eye test
David leaves London and makes aliyah (emigrates) to Israel. As soon as he settles down in Tel Aviv, he goes to see the local optician.
"I’m having trouble reading," he says, "maybe you could check my eyes?"
The optician agrees and sits David in front of a large eye test chart. "Can you read the letters on the bottom line?" he asks.
"No," replies David.
"So how about the next line up?" asks the optician.
Squinting, David replies, "No, I still can’t read them."
"OK," says the optician, "let’s start at the top line. Read out the letters please."
"But I can’t," says David.
"Are you perhaps a teeny bit blind?" asks the optician.
"Certainly not," replies David, "it’s just that I’ve never learned to read Hebrew."
(#103) What a coincidence!
Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Israel."
Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?"
Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."
Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?"
Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?"
Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University."
Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also."
About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."
(#73) The best slalom skier in the world
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 gates as quickly as possible. Surprisingly, one year Israel had Avrahom, the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and had great expectations for a Winter Olympics gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 58 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 58.7 seconds, the German at 61.8 seconds, and the Italian at 61.1 seconds.
Then came the turn of Avrahom. The crowd waited, and waited...and then Avrahom crossed the line in .....three minutes!
"What happened to you?" asked the team coach when Avrahom finally got back.
Avrahom replied, "Which one of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
(#793) Hell no
Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent ‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams, waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy.
“You look surprised,” said a resident.
“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected hell to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables, lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell”
“Well,” said the resident, “it used to be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated the hell out of the place!”
(#822) Sir Benjy takes a holiday
Benjy had done very well in business. He was a multi-millionaire and had been knighted by the Queen for his endeavours. One day, after completing yet another very successful business deal, he decided on the spur-of-the-moment to take his wife Sadie to Israel. He asked his secretary Carol to make the arrangements.
Carol rang the Tel Aviv Dan hotel and asked to speak to the manager.
“I am happy to inform you that Sir Benjy and his wife have chosen to stay at the Dan next week. But as they are very wealthy and require total privacy, they would need to book the entire hotel for their stay. Money is not a problem. Can you set this up?”
The manager didn’t hesitate. “Yes, I can move all guests to a sister hotel.”
Carol then asked, “Is there a private beach?”
“What colour is the sand?” asked Carol.
“Silver,” came the reply.
“Well that will be a problem as Sir Benjy always insists on golden sand.”
“OK. I can get round it,” said the manager. “There’s a quarry nearby and I will arrange for golden sand to be laid on the beach.”
“And finally,” said Carol, “Sir Benjy prefers a blue sky without a cloud in it. Is the weather going to be perfect next week?”
“No problem,” said the manager, “I will get the Israeli Air Force to seed the clouds and so disperse them.”
The following week, there was Benjy and Sadie sunbathing on the wide expanse of the private beach of the Dan hotel. Benjy looked all around him and said, “Sadie, just look how beautiful everything is. We have privacy, there is not a sound coming from the hotel, the sand is beautifully clean and golden and the sky is so blue without a cloud in sight. Sadie, with all of this, who needs money?”
(#1509) Faster than lightning
It’s the Maccabi Games in Tel Aviv and just before their race, an American sprinter asks an Israeli opponent, "So what’s your best time for the 100 meters?"
"Just over 8 seconds," replies the Israeli.
"But the world record is around 9 seconds," says the astonished American.
"Yes," says the Israeli, "but I know a short cut."
(#1510) Fast calories
Moshe is talking to his friend. "Did you know, Abe, that during sex, an average man loses about 250 calories whereas the average Israeli loses 1,250 calories?"
"So how do you explain that?" asks Abe.
"Well," replies Moshe, "the Israeli uses up 250 calories during sex and a further 1,000 calories whilst he’s running around telling all his friends."
(#1187) The famous writer
Benny is on holiday in Israel and goes to a concert at the Minkovsky Auditorium. When he gets to his seat, he looks around and is very impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
After the concert is over, Benny asks one of the officials, "I was wondering whether this magnificent auditorium is named after Dovid Minkovsky, the famous biblical scholar?"
"No," replies the official, "It’s named after Harry Minkovsky, the writer."
"I’ve never heard of him," says Benny, "what did he write?"
"A cheque," replies the official.
(#494) Pesach problem
It is not generally known that a few years ago the Jewish community in Madrid discovered at the last moment that they had no horseradish for making chrain for Pesach. All the countries they asked replied in the same way, "Sorry, we have none left to send you."
So, in desperation, the Spanish Chief Rabbi called his friend in Israel and begged him to immediately send him some horseradish by air freight. He agreed and three days before Pesach, a crate of the best grade of tear-jerking Israeli horseradish was loaded onto an El Al Flight to Madrid. All seemed to be going OK but when the Chief Rabbi went to the airport to pick up his desperately needed horseradish, he was shocked to learn that there was a strike and that no crates of any kind would be unloaded at the airport for at least four days.
So, as it is said, “The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.”
(#513) The root of our troubles
Did you know that the horseradish root goes back in time as far as the matzoh does? The horseradish root also crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites. The Israelites were slaves at the time and only had access to a few vegetables. The hard and woody horseradish was one of them and was a household staple.
Nearly all the fleeing Israelites took horseradish with them. Moishe and Sadie, however, while gathering up their scant belongings, found to their dismay that they had run out of horseradish. Sadie immediately sent Moishe into the field to dig up a large horseradish root to take with them. However, because it was dark and everyone was running around in panic, Moishe dug up a ginger root by mistake.
After forty years in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the Promised Land – all, that is, except Moishe and Sadie. It took them forty-one years to arrive. When asked where they had been, Sadie, now grown old, shrugged her shoulders and replied, "Moishe insisted on taking an alternative root."
(#127) Home, sweet home
Maurice was a good, well-respected elderly Edgware man. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem Maurice started to feel better and better and after a few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life.
He called upon his sons and said: "Quickly, take me back to Edgware."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered Maurice, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"
(#125) Actual ads from the Israeli Press
I’ve had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I’m ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding?
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard,
payos. Seeks same in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
(#493) Some more Adverts from the Israeli
Couch potato latke, in search of the right apple sauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? PO Box 43.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. PO Box 56.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. PO Box 123
(#1263) Two further adverts in a Jewish
Israeli lady age 28. Serves behind the falafel counter in Moshe’s Deli. Looking for nice Jewish guy with a good sense of humus.
I’m looking for the girl I met last week at the kiddush after shul service. You went to get some chrayn (horseradish) for your gefilte fish but you never came back. I was the man with the wine and cholent stains on my tie.
(#688) The Rolls Aviv
Rabbi Levy handed in his notice, left his synagogue and opened up a Jewish bookshop. He worked very hard for several years and then decided to buy a new car. He put on a dark suit and white shirt, which looked impressive with his long beard, and went to see John, the local car dealer.
As soon as John saw him, he said, "Have I got a car for you, Rabbi!"
Levy looked at John and said, "What do you mean?"
"I mean a Rolls Aviv," said John, "a British built car with Israeli designed computerized digital commands for the religious driver. Come over here and let me show you. You won’t believe your eyes. It’s unique."
John opened the door of the Rolls Aviv and Levy got in.
"Notice that it has no accelerator or brake pedal," said John.
"So how do you stop and start it?" said Levy.
"Ah, that's the wonder of the Israeli computerized technology. It has a digital VMA-box that converts words into instructions the car understands. All you have to do is to speak the right words and the car will know what to do."
"I don't believe it," said Levy.
"It’s true. To begin driving the car, just say, "baruch ha’shem (thank God)."
And as John spoke those words, the car began to move.
Levy was frightened. "How do you stop it?"
"That's easy. Just say, 'shema yisroel', and the car will stop," said John and as he spoke these words, the car braked to a halt.
"So there it is. Say 'baruch ha’shem' to start and 'shema yisroel' to stop."
Levy was so impressed, he bought the car right away. He got in, said the words, 'baruch ha’shem' and soon the Rolls Aviv was heading out towards the M1 motorway. Unfortunately, Levy failed to see a sign that said, "Warning – unfinished bridge ahead. Take next turning left" so the car continued to move at speed towards the bridge.
"Oy Vay! I’m going to crash. How do I stop it?"
Panicking, he couldn’t remember what John told him. His mind was a blank and the car was quickly approaching the end of the unfinished bridge.
"This is the end of me," Levy thought and preparing for death, he started reciting the shema. Suddenly, the Rolls Aviv screeched to a halt with half of the car tilting over the bridge. Levy removed his trembling hand from his forehead, saw how close he had come to disaster and exclaimed with conviction, 'baruch ha’shem'".
(#196) The tourist
A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
”Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”
“Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”
Shlomo, driving a Yugo in Tel Aviv, pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. Have you got a phone in it? I've got one in my Yugo!"
David, the driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
"Cool!" continues Shlomo. "Have you got a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
David, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
Shlomo goes on, "That's great! Listen, have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."
David, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
"Say," persists Shlomo, "have you got a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he hadn’t, David immediately drove off straight to his dealer and demanded that a bed be installed in the back of the car. The next morning David picked up his car, with a superb bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...
David immediately went searching for the Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows fogged up from the inside.
He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Shlomo stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," David stated arrogantly.
"Oy vay!" complained Shlomo, "You got me out of the shower to tell me this?"
(#202) Jewish Doctors
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records from Israeli hospitals...
(#1099) Jewish saying
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
(#1251) Some smart riddles
Q: Why can’t Jewish men living in London be buried in Jerusalem?
A: Because they can't be buried if they aren’t dead.
Q: Is it legal for a Jewish man living
in Tel Aviv to marry his widow's sister?
A: No, because if his wife is a widow, then he’s dead.
(#1638) A message from the pilot
"Ladies, gentlemen and children. Sholem Aleichem to you all. This is your pilot, Captain Daniel Himmelfarb, speaking. On behalf of El Al airways, my crew and I welcome you on board this flight to Tel Aviv. We will do all we can, God willing, to make sure you have a great flight with us this afternoon. But if, God forbid, by some remote eventuality, we run into some trouble, please keep calm and don’t panic. You’ll find your life jacket under your seat and if you need to put it on, please wear it in the best of health. Thank you."
(#656) The flight of the Rabbis
Thirteen Rabbis were on their way to Jerusalem when their flight ran into a big thunderstorm. One of the Rabbis immediately called over a stewardess. Wanting to calm her nerves, he said, "Could you please tell the pilot that everything will be all right because there are 13 very religious men aboard this plane."
A few minutes later, the stewardess returned from the cockpit.
She told the Rabbi, "Our pilot said that although he was pleased to learn that we have 13 holy men aboard this flight, he would still rather have just one good engine."
(#632) Get stuck in
When the air raid siren went off in Tel Aviv, Hannah rushed down the stairs toward the basement of their apartment block. Isaac was much slower so she stopped and shouted back up the stairs, "Come on, Isaac, get moving will you?"
Isaac shouted down to her, "Wait a minute, Hannah. I’m looking for my teeth."
"Never mind your silly teeth, Isaac," Hannah shouted back, "what do you think they’ll drop on us – smoked salmon bagels?"
(#317) The announcement
At the start of his flight to Tel Aviv, Michael Lebovitz heard the following announcement “We are now going to show you a safety video. There may well be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only five ways to leave your aircraft. So please pay attention.”
(#269) A meeting of boats
A small boat was sailing in Israeli water when Moshe’s smart boat pulled alongside.
A man on the deck of the sailboat yells, “Ahoy.”
To which Moshe shouts back “Ahoy, yoi, yoi!”
(#274) The Party –1
Gary was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. So Gary, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted,
“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over £500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give £50.”
A voice from the back of the hall shouted, “I will give £75.”
(#515) Pharaoh in need of counselling?
At Passover, we read the story of Moses and how God brought 9 plagues onto the Pharaoh and the Egyptians. And we read that because the Pharaoh was stubborn and still wouldn’t let the Jews leave Egypt, God had to unleash Plague number 10, despite his previous warning. This was the death of the first-born of every Egyptian family. Only then, after this greatest of terrors, did the Pharaoh release the Jews from slavery and let them leave Egypt to journey to the Promised Land.
But in the face of such convincing evidence that something really bad would happen, why didn’t the Pharaoh release the Jews after the first nine plagues? It took years of research by leading Israeli scholars studying the Dead Sea Scrolls to find the answer. “The Pharaoh was still in deNile”.
(#79) The phone call to God
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."
(#1701) You know you’re an Israeli because
(#944) Gender Confusion
A Tel Aviv college professor of IT knew that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." But what gender, he thought, should computers be addressed? So he decided to ask his class.
He set up two groups of computer experts, one comprised of women and the other of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine or masculine gender and give 4 reasons for the choice.
The women said that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender.
(#1026) The paratrooper
Things were very quiet in the UK so an English paratrooper named Mike Smith decides to join the Israeli Air Force. During his interview, he explains that he has lots of experience and is raring to go. He is given a parachute and told that in a few days time, he would be jumping out over the Negev desert.
Smith asks, "What do I do if it doesn't open, sir? Where is the reserve chute?"
The officer tells him only one is necessary, "If you say the Shema, you’ll have nothing to worry about Smith."
Smith asks, "What is Shema?"
The officer explains and gives him a book so that he can learn how to say it. And for the next few days, Smith practices the Shema. On the day of his first jump with the Israeli Air Force, Smith’s chute doesn't open, Remembering what he’s been taught, he starts to recite the Shema as he is falling. Suddenly, an enormous hand appears out of nowhere and catches him. He is so shocked by what is happening that he shouts out, "Jesus Christ!"
Immediately, the hand turns over and drops him out.
Motze is a well respected 70-year-old Israeli tour guide who still works every day. He does most of his business with American tourists who have travelled with him before. They all seem to love him because if you ask any of them, they would reply, ‘Motze's tour ya sure oughta see.’
(#1215) Elephant papers
There is a story told of an Oxford University professor who decided to ask his students to write a paper on the elephant. This is what he got back from them.
(#896) You know your mother is Jewish
She gets mad with you if you buy jewellery at full price – because she knows someone who could have got it cheaper in Tel Aviv.
(#463) The prayers
Sadie was a Reuters journalist. One year, she was assigned to their Jerusalem office and her apartment overlooked the Wailing Wall. On her first morning, as she was getting ready to go to the office, she looked out her window and saw an old man praying vigorously, his head bobbing up and down rapidly. So Sadie, seeing an interesting story in the making, went down to talk to him.
Sadie asked him, "How often do you come here to pray?"
"Every day," he replied. "I have come here to pray on this spot every day for the last 20 years."
"You come every day to the wall? What are you praying for?" Sadie asked.
The old man replies," I pray for peace in this angry world in the morning. Then I go home, have my lunch, and come back in the afternoon. Then I pray for a world free of illness and disease."
Sadie is amazed. "How do you feel coming here every day for 20 years and praying for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
(#749) The new theatre
Issy was part of a group being shown around the latest theatre in Tel Aviv by the owner. The theatre was enormous – the size of at least 2 soccer pitches. But Issy couldn’t help noticing that it had only four rows of seats right at the front.
So Issy asked the owner, “Why are there only 4 rows of seats? You could of got thousand of seats in this space.”
The owner replied, “The Jews here only want to sit in the front four rows. If they can’t, they don’t book to see the shows.”
(#1554) STOP PRESS: FROM REUTERS
It’s true. Shlomo Eliahu, chief rabbi in the Israeli town of Safed, composed this prayer to help devout Jews overcome guilt after visiting porn web sites on the Internet. Eliahu composed the prayer in response to numerous queries from Orthodox Jews worried that the lure of Internet sex sites was putting family relationships at risk.
"Please God, help me cleanse my computer of viruses and evil photographs which disturb and ruin my work..., so that I shall be able to cleanse myself of sin."The rabbi recommended that Jews recite the prayer when they log on to the Internet (or program the prayer to flash up on their computer screens) so that they are spiritually covered whether they enter a porn site intentionally or by mistake.
(#441) The invention
Did you hear about the Israeli doctor who has invented a pill that is a combination of a tranquilliser and Viagra. Soon after you take it, you get an urge to make love to a woman - but if you can’t find one, you just don’t care.
SOME NAUGHTIER JOKES
(XXX#60) The beach
Sadie, a recently widowed lady, was reading a book whilst sunbathing on the beach in Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed an elderly gentleman walking past. He placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began to read a book. Smiling, Sadie attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello," she began. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" Sadie asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" Sadie asked.
"Not far," he answered, continuing to read.
Sadie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw down his book, jumped onto her blanket, whipped off both their swimsuits and made the most passionate love to her that she had ever experienced.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sadie gasped and asked the man, "How on earth did you know that I wanted that to happen?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
(XXX#87) The 5
During some recent excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave.
a woman; a donkey; a shovel; a fish; a Star of David;
The archaeologists declared this a unique find - the carvings were thought to be at least 3,000 years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it to the Tel Aviv museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to meet to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying, "We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that if their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman.'"
in a name?
In pharmacology, all drugs tend to have a generic name. For example, Tylenol is called acetamophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin and Advil is called ibuprofen.
The Israeli drug agency had been looking for some time for a generic name for Viagra and after many months, they settled on the generic name mycoxafloppin.
NOTE: They had also given thought to these other generic names - mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and ibepokin.
(XXX#167) At the
Miriam goes into a tattoo parlour in Tel Aviv and says to the artist on duty, "I’d like the words ‘Happy Purim’ tattooed on my right thigh please, just below my bikini line."
"Of course, madam," he says, "anything else?"
"Yes," replies Miriam, "put a picture of a hamentash underneath the words."
"No problem," he says, "will that be all?"
"No," replies Miriam. "On my other thigh, also just below my bikini line, I’d like the words, ‘Happy Pesach’ with a picture of a matzo underneath the words."
So the artist gets going and some time later completes his work of art. The tattoos look great. As Miriam is getting dressed, he says to her, "I don’t mean to pry, but why did you want such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
"Because I'm fed up with my husband always complaining that there's nothing good to eat between Purim and Pesach," she replies.
a pastry stuffed with poppy seed (or prune), usually eaten at Purim
Purim: a Jewish festival
Pesach: a Jewish festival
(XXX#2) The suitcases.
A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.
In the first suitcase, the agent found over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam, "where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off at all of the public toilets in all the major cities; I vent to New York, I vent to London, I vent to Madrid, to Prague, to Paris, everywhere. As soon as I arrived, I vent into all the cubicles where the men were peeing and I say to them, "Give me £10 for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife."
"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said Sam, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."
(XXX#69) The genie
Abe is lost in the desert and is desperately searching for water. Suddenly, he finds a little brass lamp sticking out of the sand. As he cleans it with his sleeve, a Genie comes out of the lamp.
The Genie says, “Thank you Abe for freeing me from the lamp. I am so grateful that you can make one wish and I’ll make your dream come true.”
Abe takes a map from his pocket, hands it to the Genie and says, "This is a map of a little country called Israel. Only 5 million citizens, surrounded by more than 100 millions Arabs. I am fed up with all the violence and the wars, and so my wish is for peace for Israel."
The Genie thought about this for a while and then said, “It's very complicated. So many people are involved, so much International influence and serious effects on petrol and water. So I must ask you to make a different wish.”
“OK,” said Abe, “I have another wish to ask of you. I have a wife called Yetta. She comes from a Sephardic family and we have been married now for 10 years. But in all that time, she still refuses to have oral sex. So please do something for me, Genie, make her change her mind.”
The Genie thinks for a while about Abe’s request, then says, “Ummmm, could you show me that map again?”
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