The speeches of


Note: In this fictitious speech, Vicky and Gary are the bride and groom, Paul is the best man, Harry and Helen are Gary’s parents and the hosts for the evening and Robin is one of Gary’s friends.

I suppose you are all wondering why I called you all here tonight.

Gary advised me to get up here, throw my script away and just ad lib. He said he likes “textual deviates.”

Harry told me not to talk about football, or in-jokes, or sex. He said “just talk about what a fantastic guy Gary is.”  So, in conclusion…….

I’m not here to make a fool of Gary. He’ll do that himself, a little later on.

Perhaps only a few times in each of our lifetimes do we get a chance to say some nice things to a man of intelligence, wit and wisdom. Unfortunately, tonight is not one of those times.

I have spoken about many men and women in my time and tonight I will speak about Gary. In economics that’s known as ‘the law of diminishing returns.’

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail?   A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him?   Well, that’s enough about me. I’m here to talk about Gary.

Gary, a legend in his own mind. He claims to be a self made man. I think it’s damn nice of him to take the blame.

As you know, Gary, me and some others, play 5-aside football. Our group likes to think of ourselves as a championship football side. Robin is the full back. I’m the half back. Gary’s the drawback.

Gary’s such a football fan that when he wants a match to last forever, he thinks of sex.

Gary went to see an evening football match and during the first half, the floodlights failed. Over the tannoy came a request for someone to help. So Gary went up to the offices and suggested all the spectators put their hands in the air because he knew “many hands make light work.”

I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned Gary’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.

When Gary left school, he took an aptitude test. Afterwards, the examiner told him, “You will have a splendid future working for any Company where a close relative or friend holds a senior management position.

Gary’s very classy. When we had an evening of music and drink in his house recently, I asked whether he had any Rachmaninoff. Gary replied he didn’t have any vodka, only beer.

Gary says, “Don’t call me uncultured. I go to operas, concerts, ballet – all that crap.”

Gary’s a big spender. He took me out for tea once. It was alright….. but I hadn’t planned to donate blood that day.

Gary’s in the Guinness Book of Records under ‘lowest recorded tippers.’

When he left school, Gary wanted to be a stockbroker. Gary’s definition of a stockbroker is someone who invests your money and keeps on investing your money until there’s nothing left to invest.

Gary works in customer services. One day, he had to take an internal call from someone requesting his help. Gary said he was too busy dealing with real customers. The caller angrily asked Gary if he knew who he was talking to. When Gary said no, the caller said he was the company’s MD.  Quick as a flash, Gary asked the MD whether he knew who he was talking to. When the MD said he didn’t, Gary put the phone down.

Gary told me he recently attended a big overseas sales conference and gave a presentation. At the end he got a standing ovation. As he left the hall, everyone called him by his name “Well done, Gary”,  “Nice job, Gary”.   It didn’t even stop when he got into the taxi. Even the driver seemed to know him. “Where to, Gary?”  At the airport, the porter took his bags and said, “What flight, Gary?”  Strangers passed him by and said, “Good evening, Gary”   Then when he boarded the plane, he hung up his jacket and there was this huge badge he was still wearing. It said, “Hi, my name is Gary.”

Gary’s currently learning Japanese using a tape machine playing under his pillow every night. He can now speak Japanese quite well, but only when he’s sleeping.

Watching Gary at work is sort of like the piano player in a brothel. He’s near the action but he doesn’t get totally involved.

I went out to dinner with Gary once and he ordered our meals in French. I was most impressed. But you should have seen the look on the Chinese waiter’s face!

Gary won’t drink coffee in the morning. He says it keeps him awake all day.

Gary is so naïve that he thinks Masters & Johnson is a golf tournament.

Gary’s dad said to him recently, “Now that you’re getting married, I must say you don’t quite seem your usual self and it’s really quite an improvement.”

If tonight you haven’t yet heard a good word about Gary, it’s only because we haven’t let him speak yet.

Occasionally, though, Gary’s had a few absolutely brilliant flashes of total silence.

Just wait until Gary gets up here. He’ll have you open mouthed with his stories. You won’t be able to stop yawning.

Gary, when all is said and done, you’ve said a whole lot more than you’ve done.

Gary always remembers the advice his grandfather gave him. “Before you fall in love with a pair of bright eyes, make sure it isn’t just the sun shining through the back of her head.”

Gary first met Vicky in 1987. That was her room number.

Gary, when Vicky says her food could melt in your mouth, she means you have to defrost it.

When Vicky and Gary decided it was time to get married, Vicky said to Gary, “You know, a lot of men are going to be miserable when I get married.” Gary said, “Really, how many are you going to marry?”

Gary’s always said that he’d never marry until he found a girl who likes what he likes. Himself!   And now he’s found her.

When Harry and Helen were planning tonight’s celebration, they went down into their wine cellar and found something tucked away in the corner, 60 years old and covered in dust. It was Tony!

In his youth, Tony loved wine, women and song. He can still sing.

Tony is a man who combines the wisdom of youth with the energy of old age.

Tony likes being 60. A young woman referred to him as a sexagenarian and he figures at this stage of his life, that’s the closest he’ll get to flattery.

Tony didn’t quite make it as a financial director. He used to look at a balance sheet and if the total assets and total liabilities were exactly the same, he would figure everything must be OK.

His boss once said to him, “Be objective.” And he replied, “I’m too knowledgeable to be objective.”

I don’t care what Tony says about his conquests. On his wedding night he was a virgin. I understand that when Betty touched him, he turned his head and coughed.

When Tony was once in Hong Kong, he bought a suit and inside the pocket he found a note written on the inspector’s tag. The note began, “Dear most honoured customer..” and asked him to send a photo of himself to a certain address. Tony thought that was nice, so he did it. A month later, he got a letter from a Hong Kong tailor that read like this, “Thank you for your photo. I have been making these cheap looking suits for many years now and I always wondered what kind of slob would wear one.”

At his last company medical, Tony’s doctor said to him, “This is a personal question, Tony, but at your time of life it’s important to know. Do you and Betty have any trouble with mutual satisfaction?”  Tony replied, “No sale, doctor, we’re staying with the Prudential.”

Tony’s a profound thinker. He wonders about things like “Is Darwin’s birthday a religious holiday for Apes.”

There are 3 ways to handle Tony. Unfortunately, none of us know what they are.

Tony first met Betty in 1950. That was her room number.

His boss recently asked Tony what he had done with all the money he had earned. Tony replied, “I spent quite a bit on women, drink, gambling, and the rest I spent foolishly.”

Tony is a hard boss. He recently introduced a flexible hours programme for his staff. They can come in any time they want before 7am and leave whenever they please after 6pm.

Tony once when to language school. This is the bill he received from Berlitz: -
£300 French
£250 German
£900 Scotch

Not many of you know that Tony’s written his memoirs. They were purchased by Waddingtons and will be released soon as a game.

Here’s another secret Tony didn’t want me to tell you. He will have an entry in WHO’S THROUGH 2003

I wish you good health, long life, continued prosperity and eventually, a measure of respectability.


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